Bitchy Immature Lunatic

September 18, 2017

Hi I am "Boring Black Girl" and I'm addicted to men who don't want me!!!! I'm selfish and inconsiderate. I don't know how to talk to other's with out attitude or disrespect. I am a loud, obnoxious pest with lunatic ways. I'm a basket case at times immature in every way, lousy, lazy home keeper who's suffered from depression and some sort of bipolar disorder. I am unworthy of love and acceptance and deserve to be belittled, talked about, unappreciated and hurt by all men who come in direct contact with me....I AM A NOBODY AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!!!

Time and time again I am hit with these wounding words that are demeaning to my character, dangerous to my self-esteem, and poisonous to my growth. As hard as I can be on myself at times, I do not believe all these negative things about myself.....until I am repeatedly hit with them form someone I care about. It makes me take a second, third and fourth look at myself and say "who am I". When I hear these words used to describe me, I take a step back to recall instances in which I may not have been so warm hearted and kind to others. Being labeled bitter, lunatic, immature, basket-case, childish.....These adjectives  thrown at me, are replayed over and over in my head and are the reason I continue to suppress my growth and doubt my confidence.

When I express my love, I get shut down and told "stop". When I am enraged by your tone and hurtful words I am called "bitchy". The emptiness within me at this very moment is numbing and cold. No matter what I do or how hard I attempt to be happy and make you happy, I fail. All of the words that you so effortlessly spew from your tongue are meant to slay and destroy me, yet I still stick around, hoping for more, praying for change. Do you know what it means to love? Do you understand how to be loved?

I may not know how to love you, but I am willing to learn. I may not know all the answers, but I am willing to listen. The days of us being so open and free, so loving and compassionate are long gone. There was a time I was cared for like I had never been cared for before. Foot rubs, massages, endless compliments, time spent hanging and learning one another. And then it all went away. Hidden because of the changes I went through suffering from deep depression and bipolar disorder. The feeling of being alone when you were still right there by my side. Not understanding what I was enduring but still trying to hold onto the love we once shared. But my relentless bickering, lies, hurtful words pushed you to a place you've yet to return from. I take the initial blame for I knew not what I was doing. I was under a spell of negativity, loneliness, hurt and despair. Not knowing I was destroying the very thing I had longed for, for so long.

Change has occurred and I have regained the bulk of my happiness, but you still see the nagging unhappy girl who pushed you away and hurt you deeply. I made you an unspoken promise to be there, to protect, to love and honor, to be honest and trustworthy and I let you down, just like those who had come before me. Broken into pieces, trying to piece things back together, is breaking me. The trust is gone, my faith is wavering, my strength to see this through is weakening.

All that we have been trough, I can still look at you and see my peace. I can still look into your eyes and see a glimpse of hope. Through your words I hear your desire to be whole again.

Maybe we will, maybe we won't. But I am holding on to hope. That one day we will see the light we once saw in one another and become a stronger couple-one like no other. Through the sun and thru
the rain-one day we will withstand the pain, grow together once again and forever remain.

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