Losing You

September 01, 2017



Growing up we develop friendships of all kinds, mother-daughter, father-son, favorite cousin, neighborhood buddies, and so on and so forth. And thru trial and error, most of us quickly find that one friend that we "just know" we'll be friends with for forever. But what happens when that day comes that it all just fades away? I am pretty sure that everyone at some point in life has lost a dear friend, not to death but to the breakdown of communication and betrayal. I have lost a few myself. It is something that I still think about, how could I have salvaged that friendship, what went wrong, is it mendable even after years have gone by?

The friendships I have lost that meant a lot to me, still to this day cross my mind. One with a friend from high school and one I met in my college days. When I meet someone and have grown close enough to call them a friend, they have become apart of my inner circle, like family. So it is very devastating to me when the relationship ends. I remember the ending of the most devastating friendship I ever had like it happened moments ago. We had been friends since high school and all throughout college. Although we had some amazing times together, looking back I feel our friendship may have been one-sided. I felt as though I was always there for her when she needed me, whether it was 3 am drunken crying calls over a heartache from a guy or being there to support her when she found out he sister had developed cancer. I was there to love and support her. I often felt left behind when it was me that needed the love and support. While in college she rarely visited me, it was me that was always traveling the distance to visit her while away at school. At the time I didn't think it was a big deal, seeing as though her school and school town were much more notable than mine. I went to a college in a small rural city and there honestly wasn't much to do there. However, my college friends an I always found something to get into. Fast forward to after graduation, I moved away to Denver, Colorado after having a difficult time starting a career after I completed grad school. We kept in touch but didn't communicate as much as we had in the past. She became to busy for me balancing her teaching career and her on-again off-again guy friend.

The day that ended our then, 11 year friendship, was brutal. I called and text her for days before finally getting in touch with her. I was far away from home and was in need of a friend to vent to about the happenings in my life at the time, but once again, she was too busy for me. When we finally spoke on the phone she only had a few minutes to spare. After our brief convo, we hung up and began texting back and forth and it WAS NOT PRETTY! As you can imagine, it  has now been 7/8 years since this incident, so I do not remember everything perfectly, but I do remember us both shouting obscenities and vulgar words to one another via text. Looking back, it should have never ever gone this far, but when in the heat of the moment we all say things we do not mean and may one day regret (especially to your best friend). I was hurt and I was upset because I felt so alone and my best friend wasn't there for me like I had always been for her. In hindsight, I take partial responsibility for the demise of our 11 year long friendship. I wish I had taken a step back from the situation to think with my mouth closed instead of blurting out hurtful things to the one person I had shared so many great memories with. I have since tried several times to reach out to her to offer a sincere apology and try to start over to no avail. It hurts me to this day that I have lost a great friend (despite our differences) and I sometimes wish I could talk to her again just to say I'm sorry.

Now..... what makes this even harder to move completely on from, is the fact that we share a mutual friend (one I introduced her to that I met my freshman year in college). We would all hang out together time to time even after we had all graduated. It is hard to know that Kira (college friend of 17 years) is still close with Mandy (high school) when Mandy doesn't even want to hear my name spoken in conversation. I know I played a part in the destruction of my friendship with Mandy but I will not let my desire to speak with Many in person interfere with my relationship with Kira. I do however wish things had turned out differently. We are both guilty of hurting one another and I will forever be apologetic for that.

The moral of this story is be careful what you say to others when you are hurt and angry, you may be hurting them as much as they are hurting you. You may never be able to mend that broken relationship no matter how hard you may try. Cherish those who mean the world to you and make sure you take the time to calmly discuss your differences so they can be worked out the proper way.

Once best friends, not strangers with memories..........











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