Just shut up

October 03, 2017

“Black women talk too much, they never know when to shut up,” are words I hear more and more often as I travel in circles of adulthood and opposite sex relationships. When I sit back and think, I ask myself – is this the truth? My answer is, yes we do! It is a good thing that we have the strength to stand up to speak for and protect ourselves and those we love but can be detrimental in ways that we lack the strength and understanding to know when our silence can speak far louder than our words ever could. I by no means believe we should sit back and allow ourselves to be mistreated or disrespected, I simply believe we need to adapt new ways of accomplishing old goals; and sometimes silence (or better choices or words) is best.

In relationships or ‘situationships’ do you often over explain yourself, get upset when you are misunderstood or send text messages that turn into paragraphs detailing everything- to get your point across? Do you feel the need to defend yourself, your feelings, and your reasoning for why you do what you do? Has your guy ever uttered the words ‘just shut up’? I never thought that I was so guilty of this until a recent encounter. It made me think back to several occasions when I have overshared an unnecessary explanation for my actions or grown defensively rude and cocked a major attitude. In these instances, I tend to overshare more so through written words. I am definitely a texter and could text a hardcover 400 page book from the keyboard on phone on any given day, lol. I find that writing, thru text, is therapeutic and allows me to convey my emotions in more detail than I am able to display through verbal language. I often get nervous and stumble on the correct words to say in person or over the phone.  I am still trying to understand why this is the case, because I know that communicating through written words, like text, is more likely to be misinterpreted than verbal communication, yet I still choose the latter.

In relationships I have discovered that not only do I struggle with in person communication, I  have difficulty with all forms of communication. I can come off snippy, attitudinal, and down right nasty at times. While other times I am overly filled with sweetness, kindness and love. Are you beginning to see the emotional beast that lies within me? Do you know others like me? Are you like me? My emotions have a tendency to cloud my logic. Blogging, however, is allowing me a means to get to the bottom of this question and to resolve it once and for all. I do not want people to be afraid (in a non-literal sense) to talk to me, not knowing which side of me will show up to answer.  For me, and I am sure other black women, this is a battle of  the need to build this  imaginary ‘protective wall’ around myself and my feelings and the ability to know how to talk to and treat others with the utmost respect (and not a biased or fearful manner by which we subconsciously relate to our past and how others have mistreated us).
When in conversation, be it text or verbal, its clear I personally, do not know when to let things go. I tend to linger on with questions and concerns for the topic at hand. I elaborate on my feelings because I feel I am not being understood. ‘Just shut up sometimes’ he tells me. I get offended and my feelings get hurt but why? He has a point. There is no need to always have a come-back, or need to have the last word. We should not as black women, always feel we have to put our men ‘in their place’. What we should be doing, is allowing them to take the lead, be the man and empower them to be manly (so long as both parties are doing so in a respectful manner). Maybe we all should try using the silent method to get my point across instead of becoming defensive and argumentative.  I am going to put forth tremendous efforts, and hope you do as well, to suppress my tongue, think before I speak, and relax. Take a back seat to always having to have a reply I feel I must make, and try a different approach, silence. Remembering that silence says things we could never utter with our mouths wide open. I know when I am on the receiving end of the ‘silent treatment’ that it definitely resonates and gets my attention. The more I dig deeper to peel back my layers the more I discover I need to change. It is imperative that I continue on this journey to becoming a better me and I am determined to see it through….Join me

Check out this podcast about  "Black Women Talk Too much

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