Day One

November 09, 2017

November 10, 2017

The day after I finally decided to say goodbye, my expectancy to receive a call from you somehow subsided. I was not on the edge of my desk chair awaiting the moment for my phone to ding with your special ring tone. I was not anxious in thought or in body language. I was not picking up my phone texting you and then erasing the message before I sent it. In a few short hours, I came to the realization that it is time to finally let you go. As I sit here in my office and think, I am trying to remember all of the reasons that I fell for you. I am finding it quite difficult to remember because things have been so bad for so long. It has been years since you were completely open with me, minus, the last 6-8 months, when things seems to be getting back to normal. It has been years since we have been able to laugh and joke without someone being offended or assuming the other is getting smart. A tension has grown between us that has caused the ease that was once among us to become foggy, hard to see the good for what it really is; the good. Communication became very difficult with you because I felt that every word I said, whether malice or playful, would be taken out of its intended context and be molded into what you wanted it to be; something negative and condescending. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all day everyday of the last 8 months ( I didn't want to mess up the great thing we finally had going again) trying not to piss you off or cause you to stop talking to me. No mood swings or depression the last 8 months and yet I still felt as though I had to be careful what I spoke. That is almost like being afraid of an abuser. Not being able to open myself up to being the silly, fun-loving me that I am, caused a hardship and put me in a place of looking at myself like I was constantly doing something wrong. Now, don't get me wrong, I am by far a saint and I know there are some not so pleasant ways about myself that may be difficult for one to deal with, but I am a good person at heart. Everyone has flaws right?! Well I am realizing mine more and more each day, which in turn is making me consciously aware of what it is I need to change.

I know I won't get through these upcoming days, weeks, and possibly months without you easily, but my goal is to use this time wisely, put things in perspective, reflect, and make necessary changes so I do not make these same mistakes again. I have entered a new chapter in life and I am ready for what is to be written next. I am ready to become all that God has meant for me to become without standing in my own way. I am ready to rid myself of all my insecurities, low self-esteem(confidence), and all other negativity that has consumed me for the last 15 years. It is time that I thrive as a strong, intelligent, confident woman.... It's time for her, to make her debut.


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