Shattered Dreams

November 13, 2017

November 12, 2017

Hello again,
It's me. I've had a few hours to think after we saw each other last night. I have taken some time to think about the things you said and come to some realizations. One being that you are not emotionally ready for a girl like me. I am not without flaws. I am and always will be a force to be reckoned with. Although I have some ways that are not the most flattering, I am a beautiful person at heart. Isn't that what is suppose to matter most? You expressed that you are unable to give me what I need at the moment, to you that means a committed monogamous relationship. To me it is simply a friend with whom I can go to when things are good or bad in my life. A person with whom I can share the funniest stories and the darkest hours. It is clear that at this point in your life, you are not willing to compromise and become the man I fell in love with those 4 years ago. You are no longer the man that compliments me on my worst day just to uplift my spirits. I am not going to specifically point fingers or place blame, but we both played our parts. I understand that you are in no position to give of yourself as anything more than a friend, so I must accept that and move in ways that my my soul happy; with or with out you. The understanding that we once had has vanished into the fog and is now far to shaded to see through. With time away and time to think, I will soon be able to gather myself and will one day remember all the amazing things about you that I once admired.
Not knowing where we go from here and not knowing what the future holds for us, makes me uneasy. But I know that whatever the good Lord has in store can only get better. I pray that one day your heart will heal and that you will find peace in a woman that you will want to be with for an eternity. I pray that you are able to let your guard down in the midst of the storm to love again. I know it won't be easy; it will take work, but it will happen and you will again have joy in your heart.

It is not easy being jilted by love, by a woman you once felt you couldn't do without. I know the pain. Losing trust in a person can wreak havoc on all other relationships that follow. I have never been married, or even close for that matter, so I am oblivious as to what all it entails. All I know is that when I feel strongly about a man in my life I try and take it seriously and treat our situation with as much delicacy as possible so that I do not block my blessing. But once again, I have managed to just that with you; the man I feel in my heart was meant to be my life-long partner. It tears me apart to think I continue to self-sabotage any relationship I have and especially the one I have with you. It is not because of anything you do, it is a problem I have to work at combating  all on my own. In order for me to one day be able to be in a long term committed relationship, I have got to get a hold on my emotional outbursts and my dire need to explain myself beyond the norm.

Last night I left your place with a solemn mind; not a slither of closure, not a question, not a statement came to mind that I felt I had to get out. Nothing that would give me joy about the past week we have gone through. It was like for once, I was able to sit in silence. What I have sown, so shall I reap. Lying in the bed of thorns I myself had created. It gave me a strange sense of peace knowing that I had the strength to get through this alone. Somehow, my strength shows up at times when I thought I had nothing left. It allowed me to think of myself, my mistakes, and how I would overcome this storm to emerge a better woman. Not knowing when I will hear from you , still gives a twinge in my heart (an my stomach lol), but I know in my the depths of my soul that we are not finished writing our story. This may be a pause, a shift in gears, but it is not the end. Just a time to refocus on other things that matter in life so that I am not drowning in a situation I can't come up for air from. Yet, if it is the end, this time of reflection will also allow me to learn to use tools to help me survive the devastation I once believed was the end of life (and prepare me for future let downs, I am sure the are coming). I am glowing in hope of the expectation that I will one day be unbroken. I will one day be rid of the nagging, insecure, self-sabotaging ways that make me the desperate, uncompromising unwelcomed woman I am today.

There are so many thoughts inside my mind, I can't type them as fast as they are coming. I am sure I missed some important points I wanted to make in this letter, but they will have to wait until next time.


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