Sincerely, YWG

November 07, 2017


After four long years of times filled with immense joy and happiness as well as times of complete darkness and hurt, it brings me much pain as I write this final chapter. Remembering the times of the man that I once, and still believe, was sent to me by the Man above to spend a lifetime with.  The man that once couldn’t keep his eyes off of me and had nothing but compliments and loving ways, has now lost all hope and trust in me. Questions flood my mind with wonder. With no way to contact me - will he fall for someone else in my absence? Will he think about me? Miss me? Will we one day reunite? My mind is on overload thinking about all the possibilities of ‘what’s next’ on this roller-coaster journey I am riding.
Depression is real. It causes one to become cold and evil. It brings out the worst in you and damages all relationships within its reach. Tensions heat up and in a flash you have said or done something to the ones you love that can cause trauma that is far too difficult to recover from. They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes, time is just not on your side. What do you do then; when time has run out? What do you do, when you feel you have done it all? Where do you turn for daily conversation and laughs? Whom do you call when you have exciting news or bad news that is too much for you to bare alone?
Everywhere I look I see you in what I do. My routine has been altered. No more good morning texts and no more late night calls on your way to work. My time more available and free. Unfortunately this just gives me more time to think. Thinking why me?! Why can’t depression just set me free? Cut me loose and let me live. Let me laugh. Let me be me; fun-loving and sweet, caring and concerned. I don’t want to be bitter and have you pity me.  I want not be open and honest – it’s time to come clean. All these feelings of hatred and being mean, it’s not who I am nor who I want to be. Apples don’t fall far from the tree, this wicked disease, my mother gave to me. Not the one who taught me the birds and the bees, but the young teenager, she’s the one who carried me. We have never met, yet I am she and she is me. These burdens I carry, they come from her tree. But I don’t want them anymore, I WANT TO BE FREE. These things I do, they are not of me. These texting sprees have cost me the one I need. The hell I’ve caused may not have made you bleed, but the damage I’ve caused makes me fall to my knees. With a heavy heart and weeping eyes, I hope with this note you hear my cries. For when I am in the midst of darkness I know not what I do. I’m just praying that God will see me through. Hopefully one day you will too. See that I was weak and broken. My heart you had stolen. Still not enough to release the demons I was holding. Old habits die hard, from your life I was bared and will forever be scarred. Thirty text, thirty calls. It was too much – you put up walls. Hard to break thru hard to break free – I’m too old for this – I’m thirty-three. I went too far, I did it for too long. No wonder our bond would only get so strong. No matter where you go or what you do. The love for you, it’s real; it’s true. I will never forgive myself for losing you.
It may seem like I am blaming myself, solely myself, for the demise of this relationship; but I am not. We both played our parts in destroying something that could have lasted for forever. But I am taking responsibility for my actions and my words. I have damaged so many relationships at the hand of not knowing how to handle my depression and moods. I have singlehandedly placed hardship and caused wounds to so many that I love, my friends, my cousins, and even my mother. A day in the life of me, is a struggle only one who deals with depression could understand. But I try, consciously, every single day to repair damage done and to work on myself so I do not continue on the same destructive path. My past I cannot change, but I am putting forth the efforts so my future is not the same. It is up to me, only me, to stand upright and accept that somethings, some people I cannot change. Acknowledge that some people I’ve lost along the way will never return to stay. It is my prayer, that I live yet another day, to live life and be happy. To right the wrongs I’ve done and to rebuild the relationships I’ve broken.
I know not what the future holds, but I pray that you will forgive me and know that I never meant to hurt you or to destroy us. My mind will wonder, I will have regrets, I just pray to the Lord that I can finally put all of my bad habits to rest. I’ve lost so much and gained so little. But the lessons I’ve learned  will prove that I have grown tenfold. I may still fall down, but I now have the strength to get back up and try again. As my grandmother Thelma always said “Nothing beats a failure but a try”. And with that....I will continue to forever give love yet another try! 


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