Can There Be Love After the Toxicity?

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Can there be love after the toxicity? What do you think? Have you yourself been able to love and allow yourself to be loved after a toxic relationship, or has it made you too afraid to put yourself back out there again?  When we allow toxicity into our relationships and it becomes a routine behavior that we lean on as a crutch to break the fall of us crashing to the ground, we create bad habits.... we create our own hell. 

From my personal experiences, which may not be the same as yours, I have learned that breaking bad habits that I picked up from past relationships, are way harder to change after you are use to them. Even when you know those habits are not beneficial and most often detrimental not only to the other person, but most importantly detrimental to YOURSELF!

A good friend recently said we, (me in particular) need to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to conform to the norms/standards our parents grew up with as well as the perimeters pushed upon us by our current society. It is more important to love ourselves first, as we all know, but is it really as easy as it sounds, especially if you have been giving all of you to everyone else all of your life? Ask yourself this question; which is better: putting so much pressure on yourself and everyone else that it bursts pipes, or giving yourself and the one you are in pursuit of winning over a much need break from added pressures and taking time with each other without any expectations, just pure enjoyment of each others company? 

"Relax, enjoy life, you have so much going for you in your life right now. Take every moment to enjoy what you have and whatever else you want will eventually be yours. And if that one last thing or person you are praying for doesn't ever come around, it's okay. Live in your own reality, not the realities of others you may or may not know. You have to allow a man to miss you, to wonder where you are and what you are doing. Do not make yourself available to him when he wants you every single time. Make him chase you, that's what men want to do. If a man feels he can't get to you, it makes him work harder to win the prize...YOU! Competition is a man's nature. They are hunters and love the chase. For a man, when anything becomes too easy, there is nothing for them to pursue, and therefore they are no longer interested in you because you aren't interesting, because you have given him too much way too soon. Show him you are not sitting around waiting on him to call or ask you on a date. And when he does, you don't always have to say yes. Make other plans, be secure and confident in yourself, and don't ever let 'him' see you sweat. Always remember a man will never commit to an insecure woman. Even if you feel you are not the most educated, the prettiest, the best in bed or even if you are jealous of other women, YOU ACT AS THOUGH YOU ARE THE BADDEST WOMAN IN THE ROOM-THE NEXT ROOM-AND THE NEXT ROOM TO THAT! Be confident, be his peace, and never show your hand."

My good friend, Fairfield, may not always be able to be there for me, but when he is able, he doesn't lets me down (at least not anymore that is, haha). I am grateful for how far we have come considering where we've been.

This conversation he and I had just a few short days ago, has been resonating in my head ever since. Circling my mind, going in and out of my ears on repeat, and has me actively trying to fix the damages caused by ALL of my past toxic relationships. There are parts of me that are ready to make the changes he and I discussed, and part of me is scared shitless because of my fear of failure...yep, you hear that INSECURITY creeping in? 😩🙄 See what I mean...these ugly ole', nasty ole', bad habits are far too hard to break. BUT I WILL break them sooner rather than later, just you watch me. I have also been wrestling with thoughts of whether BamaBoy could ever forgive me for the things I did and the things said (whether he'd ever really want the chance to get to know me on the next level), whether there would ever be a future for me and Fairfield along down the road, if anyone else will ever be interested enough in me to stick around for the long haul, or if my reality is just being alone all by myself. 

It's a constant tug and pull. I have to get out of my own head. I just have to figure out what works best for me so I do not continue getting in my own way!

It's a scary thing for me to think because I have always dreamt of having a family of my own, filled with love and lots of laughs. But as we chatted, I realized that this fantasy or false reality of a story book fairytale just isn't how the world revolves. It is a cruel world. It always has been. Life is not now, nor will it ever be fair. 'It's a dog eat dog world'.

So, do I believe there can be real love after the toxicity? Yes I do. But it will only  begin after you rid yourself of your own toxic ways, grow a backbone, and have more confidence than anyone you will ever meet (even if you don't... no one else needs to know). Act like you are the BADDEST QUEEN IN THE ROOM!

Everything you want may not be good for you. Everyone you want may not be the best for you or good to you. Take care of yourself and your children first. Nothing else after that matters.... until it actually matters, and you matter to someone else.

I will not make you my priority, when I am only an 'option for you'....Let the chase begin!

Baddest Queen in the room activation begins in 5....4....3.....2.....1......
Now watch me work

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