I Do Not Know

Friday, July 17, 2020

Here we... well I go again! Spinning outta control, no where to turn, drowning in a sea of emotions, gasping for air, no life saver in sight.

Why must I be like this? Why must I give it ALL to ALL the wrong people. Why do I share myself, only to be used, emotionally abused, and ultimately let down? What is it about me that stamps me with this undying desire for men to come into my life - only for a while- and disappear with no warning, no explanation, no sense of compassion or concern?

I am sure I have been labeled. I am sure I have been laughed at. I am positive I have been the entertainment of 'boys night out and boys night in'. I seems that I am the epitome of a desperate, lonely fool begging for love in all the wrong places.

It is evident by what I have experienced and the times I have been let down, that LOVE may not be meant for me.

Loving me is hard.... FOR ME, Catering to me is unheard of....FOR ME, Expressing the goodness about me is damn near impossible.....FOR ME

I seek these things in others because I give myself to others. Doesn't make a bit of sense, yet I ride this rollercoaster over and over and over. Spinning outta control, pushing people away, not taking care of self is the sole reason behind my own self-destruction.

I am honest and I am real. I let you know who I am and lay the cards out flat. I show you parts of me that sometimes I don't even recognize in myself until I speak them to you. I
am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be to me. I cherish things that were never mine. I  spend time, money, and effort on people that will never do the same for me in return.

I am BROKEN and I do not know how to heal.
I am BROKEN because of all that I feel.
I am BROKEN because of what I have lost- neglecting all that I have gained from those losses.
I am broken and I do not now how to heal.

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