To Achieve.... I Must Believe

Monday, June 18, 2018

What is life? What is love? And how do we set ourselves up for success? The past several months, I have heard about and read so many articles, texts, blogs etc. about people speaking life into the things they desire to obtain, both tangible and intangible. Not giving much thought of my own to it, I brushed it off and interpreted as people just being overly positive and me embracing the Negative Nancy that lives inside of me. If you know me, you know that I am 'she of little faith' due to the impact my dads unsupportive, sometimes negative comments, and his wanna be so-called reverse psychology (I tell you you cannot do something so it will encourage you to get it done) type parenting skills have made on me. I may want something, even take the time to pray for and work towards obtaining it, but when the road gets rough, I cling to the, 'it's never gonna happen' thought, like a kid  with her favorite blankie. Nevertheless, I eventually pick myself back up again and start all over, reaching for my goals, even though its like starting all over again from the beginning, I want to complete a goal this time without giving up. 

A few days ago, I received some uplifting words of encouragement that made me think about the way I have been going about life. I was unknowingly challenged by a young woman on the rise as an up and coming mompreneur. This woman is a wife, mom, former athlete, fitness guru, business professional, and founder of her own company, whom I deeply admire. She posted something that really touched me, so I reached out to send her my appreciation for the words she spoke regarding speaking things into existence. Mind you , she is a stranger and just someone I follow via social media, but I could not help but send her my thanks. She then replied with a personal note JUST FOR ME reassuring me that although she did not know what struggles or hardships I had been through, God is always with me and he is not through with me yet! 

She briefly shared somethings with me, one being how she spoke something into existence pertaining to her business. She spoke it, wrote it down(even showed us via social media), did the work, prayed about it and claimed it. After all of this - low and behold, her wish/prayer was answered and she had received exactly what she had asked for. She reminded me that life can be tough and shared with me that during her hardships, her faith was the only thing that had shown her how to have peace in the midst of a storm. I let her words and her personal experiences resonate with me over the next few days. Then I decided to do something about gaining and maintaining my own peace and speaking life into the things I want to have so that I will one day be able to receive them also. 

I don't want for much, but the things I do want are far from having monetary significance. They are things that one cannot just go to Target and purchase.  Saying aloud what I want, claiming them and believing they will actually happen is most definitely out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to dream of them and have them fade away when reality awakens me. 

Today I want to make a change. I want to step out on faith and try manifestation on for size. Being that this will be something totally new to me, I know it will take time and hard work to change my mentality, but I am up for the task. And because of my history with people, I know I will be alone in this journey. Although I have made some major changes in my attitude and am able to deal with my depression much better, I know that in the past, I have spewed out so much negativity and been so defensive with my words and my tone to those around me, that I know no one will stand by me as I make an effort to become a better version of me. Maybe this is a test, maybe this is a new chapter in my book, or maybe this is God's way of pushing me to step out on faith, be strong and just believe. 

My Man
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31
I will marry the love of my life. This man is tall (to me), dark, and handsome. He is strong and passionate. He is slow to love as a precautionary measure of protecting himself from yet another repeated failed relationship. This man is an exceptional father and I know he will be an amazing care-giver, protector and provider. The love of my life is not one to show much emotion for fear of being vulnerable, leaving himself open to be hurt and let down. He has faults as he, like us all, is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. I want to be his woman, his friend, his lover, and his wife. With this man I want to spend the rest of my life. He is funny, kind, and considerate. He is loving and playful with my daughter and she glows in his presence. She too has expressed her love for him. This man is scarred and comes with baggage. He is cautions and careful. He is protective and prideful. These qualities may seem unbecoming to you, but to me makes him a diamond in the rough. He is a rare gem. Not a pretty package everyone will run to to unwrap. But when he wraps his arms around me I never want him to let go. I never want to spend a day without him in my life and I am speaking our union into existence. I will not Rush the process, nor will I continue to ignore my dreams. We will be, we will exist, we will be happy, we will create a loving family, we will love one another, we will grow old together.

The times we have shared over the last several years has not always been a cakewalk. Everyday has not been without pain, hurt, or betrayal etc. They say love should be easy, it very well may be. But your journey is not my journey; it is not ours. No matter our struggles- together or apart, we are still right by each others side, holding on, and I know that we will continue to be there for one another. I believe timing is everything and our time is just above the horizon. Part of trusting God and trusting his process is the art of learning patience. I may not have mastered the patience lesson yet, but I am doing my best waiting and working towards what I have claimed to be my future, my man, my husband. 

Although the time is not now, although we are still working on ourselves, I know that God has a plan, one right now I don't understand, he is working on us a part so one day we can be together and not torn a part. I know I have been waiting, and questioning when it will happen, but I cannot question God's timing for he is always right on time. I will continue to pray for us. I will speak it aloud, I will speak it into existence. I will manifest the reality I want to live, and I will live it. 

 "So then they were no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore let what God has joined together, let no man separate." Matthew 19:6

Mommy's Girl
"There's nothing as powerful as a mothers love, nothing as healing as a child's soul." 
My daughter is my world and I live for her everyday. And although I think I do a pretty good job at being her mother, I still have the fear I will not be enough for her. I suffer from depression and sometimes I get down. Sometimes I don't want to play or even be bothered. I do my best to make sure she is fulfilled and well taken care of while I pep myself back up, but I constantly worry that she will resent me for the areas I have failed at being the best mom I can be. We take trips and play games, we spend quality time snuggled on the couch watching movies and telling each other stories. We also tackle the educational component so that she stays ahead in her learning. But everyday I wonder if I have done enough. Have I shown her enough love? Have I spent enough time? Have I answered her questions to the best of my ability? The list goes on and on. 

I sometimes drive myself crazy wondering what questions she will have next and doubting I will have all the answers. She is growing older, and her mind works very similar to mine, she wants to know why and when to everything lol. She is beginning to ask me about marriage, babies, and a father. She is exploring body parts and becoming sassy. She is independent yet needy. She wants quality time playing dolls, playing outside, and playing on the iPad. I try to limit time spent on electronics so she won't become a couch potato and miss out on the joys of other activities. But sometimes I find myself slipping into being 'that mom' I said I didn't want to me and allowing her to spend more time watching tv or on the iPad than I would like her to spend. These questions and times of possible failure to my daughter are the very things that I fear will prevent me from seeing all the good I have done as her mother. I foresee me missing the parts of her that are amazing because of my teachings due to my inability to see me as an amazing mom. 

In order to continue to have the best, healthiest relationship with her, it is my responsibility to change the way I think about being her mommy. I must speak more positivity into the universe so it will be reciprocated in the form of me surviving mommyhood. No more 'what ifs'. So from now on, I will believe that I am doing right by my daughter. I am providing her with all her needs and a lot of her wants. I will seek guidance from God and others when needed. I am good enough to be her mother and I know she will be proud to be my daughter. We will share secrets and tell each other jokes. We will build a stronger bond each and everyday that goes by. I will lead her, teach her, and guide her to the best of my ability and I will be confident in my doing. I still may fail at a task but I will not fail as a mother. I will be her listening ear and her comforter.

The love I have for her is endless. I will remind myself to worry less and pray more. Positive Paula has arrived and is ready to play. Time to taking mommying to the next level and show up for her even when I don't have the energy and don't feel well. I am an amazing mom and I will only get better!

"Of all the things I have done, you are by far the greatest!"

My Career
"Make your passion your paycheck"

For years I have been trying to figure out what my career path will be. After graduating college for the second time, I decided I wanted to start my own non-profit business to aid student-athletes. I was inspired by an assignment in my Sports Management class the last year of college where we had to come up with our own business, write a business plan, configure financials, the whole nine. I came up with an idea I loved and was passionate about so I continued to work on it after graduation. I tweeked my business plan to reflect the actual business I wanted to start. I personally designed the logo, opened an email account and even went to a few free courses for starting up a non-profit small business. It was an amazing feeling and I was on my way to having what I longed for.

As you can imagine, life got busy after graduation as I began job searching and devoting my time to finding a career to supplement my living expenses. But with all I had going on my business venture was put on hold. I found myself doubting my goals and how I would accomplish something to this magnitude. As the years went by, I was on and off with working towards getting things in place to open the doors of my business. I would take steps forward and then fall back. It has been a revolving cycle and I was no closer to making my dream come true.

During this time of exploring the option of opening my academic & sports performance institute for high school and college athletes, I began to test the waters exploring my creative bone and dove head first into graphic design. At the time I didn't know that is what I was doing. I thought I was just making flyers and colorful spreadsheets for my job and other teachers. But low and behold, a college classmate reached out to me on Yahoo Messenger. As we began to catch up, I just so happened to share a project I was working on with him. He then shared with me that he himself was a self-acclaimed, self-taught graphic designer. From that day on, he began to teach me all about design via the Yahoo Messenger app. You would be amazed what I have learned and how far I have come.

Ten years later I have become a self-acclaimed graphic designer myself and I am loving it. I love what I do and I am actually pretty good at it. I even started my own business Not So Pink Designs and have my own clients as well as helping out my friend. He now owns his own graphic design business/print shop, and recently opened  his own store front and is doing very well. Together we have decided to take it a step further and dive into a new avenue (still graphics related) and we hope to launch it soon. This brings me to my new career goal. I am going to use the income from this new joint venture and save up to open a second location of his business (in my area) and become partners in the print/graphic design business. I have always wanted to work for myself and this would be the perfect opportunity and would work well for me and my family. I could be available for my daughter more and make my own hours, even work from home when necessary.

I am letting the universe know that I will not fail in the starting of this second location or the venture he and I plan to start together this year. I am going to be a successful entrepreneur, wife and mother. What I put out will be endless amounts of positivity, so much that it will make you think twice about who you are talking to. I am pushing away the fears and the doubts and I am putting forth the confidence and determination to accomplish this goal in which lies my passion.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."


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