Love You to the Moon and Back

Do you believe in love at first sight? Ever met someone and from the moment you laid eyes on them, you knew they were the one? Well I have. The love of my life was born on May 8, 2013, and from the moment I knew she as growing inside my womb, I began to love her. For the past 4 years I have been a single mother to her and the only parent she's known. However, I am so fortunate to have the help of my parents, aunts, uncles, and a host of cousins and close friends, as I go through the joys... and the pains, of motherhood. It has been a true blessing thus far, but today I am feeling uneasy, uncertain and fearful about the transition that is about to take place in the near future.

In just a short time from now, I will be reintroducing my daughter to someone new. I am under undeniable anxiety pressures at the moment due to patterns previously established.  I welcome the idea of this new relationship formation but am fearful of her initial reaction. Mind you, my daughter is, and has always been, very particular when it comes to meeting new people. She may love you, she may not fool with you at all, or she may warm up to you in time. It's almost like she has a sixth sense about people and their intensions. It is my goal to help her adjust to this new experience the best way possible but protect her at the same time. As many of you already know, from reading past blogs, I am currently rediscovering who I am in my personal life, so this curve ball that has been thrown is the scariest shit ever. I am so afraid that this will cause me to backtrack on the amazing progress that has already been made. The story behind the history of this mystery person previously established is one that you wouldn't believe if I told you, so I won't, lol (not now anyways). I am just trying to find my way; to find a balance, in this relationship so that it does not negatively affect my daughter.

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Weigh Outta Control!

Many of you have read about my journey with depression and dealing with the misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder, but you have yet to hear about my journey of being overweight as a result of my mental disorders. I will take you to places where I have been at my lowest, places of recognition and admittance and finally finding answers that will change my life forever. 


All my life I have been very petite in stature, never tall, always small in size. I have also always been involved with some sort of physical activity, whether it was dance lessons as a young child, athletics in middle and high school, or regular fitness and exercise on my own as a young adult. It wasn’t until moving to Denver, Colorado at 25 that I began to pick up weight for the first time in my life. I was living the life in Denver, away from the life and people I knew before, experiencing independence and fun for the first time ever(other than the exhilarating festivities of college life). I was around family (that I had never gotten to spend much time with) and newly found friends, eating out ALL the time no physical activity incorporated into my routine at all. Which for me was new as I was very active as a child and throughout my 8 years of college. After living away in Denver for two years, I picked up about 15/20 pounds the ladder of my years living there. After returning from a family vacation to Washington, D.C. in 2010, I looked back at photos of that trip and I noticed that I was beginning to change physically. Then I thought back to the miles and miles we walked in D.C. and remembered being very winded and sluggish as we walked up and down the city streets. When I looked at the photos I was pictured in, I wasn’t the least bit pleased at what I was seeing. I was shocked at the amount of extra baggage I was carrying around. Shortly after the return of my trip, I moved back home to sweet ole’ Alabama and got on the ball to whip my body back into shape! Two months later, the 'extraness' I had acquired had disappeared....like it had never, ever happened. 

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7 Tips on How to Love a Broken Black Man

My experiences with the opposite sex have been far from  first-class, but I have learned so many lessons from each and every encounter. I by no means, consider myself an expert on love, especially given my history of failed relationships, but I am a sucker for love; a hopeless romantic. I wanted to share with you some of the things I have learned in hopes of preventing you from making the same mistakes I, and probably many other women, have made. These 7 tips on 'How To Love A Broken Black Man' are solely based on my experiences (both failed attempts & triumphs) of loving a broken black man.

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Winter Wonders

This post is just for kicks. I did not come up with the template or any of the asked material. I thought it would be a great mix-up from my current content and thought it would be fun! To participate, most bloggers have been tagged to take part in this blog challenge. I however was not, but still wanted to participate. A nice winter themed get to know me. Feel free to read and maybe try out the tag yourself!!
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The Rules

1. Share 12 random “About Me” facts
2. Answer 12 questions
3. Tag 12 Bloggers

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Becoming Who I Was Always Meant To Be

I am lost, broken, afraid, scared of abandonment. I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. I am overweight, insecure, irritable, degrading of myself, and sometimes I become enraged with fury.

I am also kind, caring, loving, sentimental, giving, emotional, loyal,looking out for the benefit of others, and empowering. As I take the time to work on myself I am discovering how I became to be who I am at this present moment. There have been many factors that have played their parts in shaping my habits, my behaviors and my personality. Some of the things I am grateful for possessing  and others I am less proud of. Because of the turmoil I've been through (minor to you, major to me), and the unhappiness I have experienced, 5 years ago, I made it my self administered task to dedicate my time to make necessary improvements to become a better me. In the past, I placed to much stock into what others thought of me and internalized their unpleasant interpretation of who they thought I was or who they wanted me to be. Their opinion of me, which was often times very negative, became my opinion of me. Even if somehow, on any given day, I felt good about myself, hearing others voice their belittling comments upon my name quickly led me  to second guess my 'goodness'. My intentions in the deepest of my being are nothing but sweetness and kindness to all. Similar to a pageant contestant giving her "I just want world peace" answer to a posed question by the judges, lol. Although my intentions are good, I do not always convey them in this way.

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Sincerely, YWG: Letters to Fairfield

Personal notes of my life with you. Some stories may be hard to believe or understand, but they are my true, complete, bare naked feelings about our time together from the beginning until the end. Hopefully one day we will each be able to look back on this time and have grown as individuals. It is my hope that thru all of our life experiences together and apart, we will one day be able to truly forgive ourselves and each other for the pain we caused to one another.


I love you I do,

Sincerely,
YWG

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Never Can Say Goodbye: All Falls Down Part 2

Time has gone by and my friend is no longer in a titled relationship. We have been spending 4 to 5 days in one another’s presence.  I have grown to take a liking to this handsome man and my feelings are growing stronger with each coming day.  The time we spend together is amazing. Foot rubs and forehead kisses are in constant rotation and the conversation is endless. From politics, to television shows, to family & friends, to celebrity gossip and future goals; there was never a moment of silence between us.  But as time kept moving, I became more and more paranoid, more and more insecure in our friendship. I wanted more and he was unwilling to commit on a deeper level. He had been hurt so badly in the past, that he was very cautious and slow to make those bigger steps.

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The Dating Pool

 Let’s talk dating! How many of you single women still get asked on dates? How many of you get asked ‘can we Netflix and chill’? Are you ever respectfully approached by a man? For me, the moments of genuine interest and being asked on a real date are like finding a needle in a haystack; few and far between. Dating at 30 something should be pretty easy right? One would think women in this age group had a pretty good pool of men to choose from. In my area, I don’t know about yours, this is far from the truth. Where are the men who are ready for a commitment, loyalty and love? Have black men and black women lost sense of our foundation and what the relationships of our parents and grandparents were built upon? Are we too caught up in ourselves or with Mr./Mrs. Wrong, to see the possibilities of sharing our worlds with the person who compliments our character? Do we as black women think all the good men locked up or dead? Do you as black men think all women gold diggers and sluts? What has caused our dating pool of good candidates to become so limited, where have all the ‘good men gone’ specifically the one in my own back yard.

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Never Can Say Goodbye: Part One

Four years ago, in May, I was sitting in a restaurant having lunch with my cousin. We were chatting about life, work and my daughter’s upcoming 1^st birthday party. In walks an average height, silky-curly black haired, deep dark skin young brotha.  My eyes immediately fixated on him as he walked to place his order. After receiving his order, he briskly walks past, still amazed at his beauty, I notice that I recognize his face. (I am typically very timid and rarely approach men for fear of rejection, but today was different). There was something about him that I couldn’t take my eyes off. As he walked outside and passed my window seat, he playfully sticks his tongue out at me. I couldn’t allow this moment to pass me by so I jumped up and I told my cousin “I’ll be right back-that man is going to be my husband”. My cousin laughed as I politely excused myself to go look for him outside”. I dashed out the door to find him before he drove off. By the time I got to the edge of the lot, he was already in his vehicle, driving off. Thankfully he saw me and stopped the truck, rolled the window down and said hello. As I am telling him he looks familiar , I introduce myself(before I can get out a wors)-he interrupts me and calls me by name! Yes by name! I am stunned, yet quite flattered. Through conversation he rattles off questions asking about my parents and brother  are doing (like he knew them),in efforts to strike my memory as to where I may know him from. After noticing I still did not remember, he explained that we use to work together and we talked quite often. We exchanged numbers and he was off to work.  As I walk back inside, my cousin notices my rosey cheeks (me blushing from the encounter), and discerns everything  went well. My day and my week had been made.

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No Longer Ashamed

My walls are down, my skin exposed, I am baring it all to save my soul. Growing  up, I felt as though I was a good person; warm, welcoming, caring, loving, nurturing, and helpful. As an adult I have been forced to take a step back and look at myself from a more, not so pleasant perspective. Some of the experiences in life have changed how I view myself and others. Friendships that went wrong, messy college girls spreading rumors, shaming my name, and destroying bonds built over time. A relationship built on jealousy, violence and distrust; parents pushing for perfection, good grades and money saving tactics. My trust in people is gone. My heart is broken.

Looking in the mirror I see what you say I am; rude, disrespectful negative and uncompromising. After decades of being told you're something you never thought you were, you start to buy into the hype. Trying your best to let the good shine through but being blocked by the negativity and shamefulness.

After years of college drama and nasty girl talk, I decided to decrease my circle of friends and stick to those I knew had and would always have my back. Rumors were spread about me and about things I was saying about the girls I hung with the most. The rumors put a strain on the trust we had with one another.  But I still remained and attempted to mend the damage that was done. I looked up to them, I wanted to be more like them, trendy, extroverted, fun and fabulous. I was trying to be someone else so I was more in the “in crowd”; more accepted. Although I was liked, I felt I was missing out because I was not sleeping around, dismissing my morals and because I dressed more tomboyish than the girls in my circle. I felt strongly about protecting friendships I had made in life and did all I could to keep them in-tact.

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Just Like You!

"In my dreams, I knew it'd be true. Growing up, I knew I'd look just like you. Something outta my control, secrets and lies unfold, someone hold me and let the truth be told. I was 30 years old when I began searching again to make myself whole. I needed cleansing and closure for my wounded soul".
 -Me

Being an adopted child can bring about so many emotions. Some understood and some unexplained. I was 5 when I learned of this. Never did it make me not wanna be where I was, just made me curious of what she (biological mother) was like. At 16, 19, and 30 I searched for my roots and came up empty handed. I was informed at 19, she was uninterested in making contact with me. It hurt, but I moved on. I often thought about the 2 brothers  I learned that I had, and why she didn't want to meet me. I knew she was weary of meeting me because she had kept me a secret  from everyone in her life except her mother, my grandmother. I made myself understand and be okay with this, but it never stopped me from wondering where I came from and what we had in common. Years passed by and I didn't search for her. But one day I was sitting on the bed (after having my daughter) and something came over me. Something pushed me and the urge to seek out who she was, hoping her mind had changed, so I proceeded to find out who this woman really was.

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Doses of Khandi

I know everyone has that one "go to"  remedy that can ultimately change your mood in an instance. It's like heaven on earth right?! Well I consider myself a late bloomer and I just discovered my own personal remedy for this just last year. I bet your thinking, just tell us already.... Well it's Khandi!! No, it's not your average melt in your mouth chocolate, or sweet and sour gummies. No now-a-laters or sweet tarts, just good ole' fashioned Khandi, or Khandi cane as I sometimes say. It's the one thing, or in this case - person, who helped me to patch up the wounds of my heart. My go to help me feel better remedy is my aunt Khandi. We only met one year ago but have grown closer than close, closer than most in this short period of time. She has inspired me to have faith in myself and to trust in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with all my heart. It is because of the pep talks with this amazing lady, and Jesus of course, that I have overcome depression, a bipolar diagnosis, relationship obstacles, baby-daddy drama and other personal struggles.

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Too many things at once

Ever sit down and try to focus on one or two things at a time, only to discover your mind actually has about 100 things going on at once? Well, welcome to the wanders of my mind. As I sit at my desk trying to concentrate on writing my very first blog and what it should be about, I am finding that my thoughts are jumbled and bouncing all over the place. Let's see what I can make of this first post. I will start by attempting to give you a glimpse into who I am.

I grew up in a two parent household to an amazing set of parents. I was an only child for 9 years...and then there were two! My father was a college basketball player and middle school P.E. teacher and JV basketball coach. So naturally, I wanted to 'be like my daddy" and got involved in dance and sports at the age of 4 or 5. I grew up with a passion for dance (hip-hop mainly even though I can't dance a lick, I got rhythm tho) and basketball.

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