'Love' in Disguise

I gave my heart to the wrong one! I was seeking things I wanted and was blinded by what I didn't want to see. Looking back, I was so desperate for love that I did everything in attempt to gain it. Going above and beyond, giving more to him than I gave to myself, and I even went so far as to give wife privileges to a man (or lack there of) who couldn't even make me his 'Main' girl, let alone his actual girlfriend or wife!

Piece X Peace

After a long hiatus of not blogging and a lot of behind the scene reflection, I am back for another mental release. Over the last 14 months, I have gone through probably every emotion there is beyond the traditional 4 emotions/stages of grief everyone talks about. Through my time away from my blog I spent an immense time working on self. I am that girl... 'that emotional girl' that evaluates and reevaluates every little thing. I typically beat up on myself but this time I learned to love myself (for the 1st time eva). What doesn't break (kill) you, only makes you stronger!

Scratching the Surface

KNOWLEDGE:

      Noun

1. facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject.

"Knowledge is power" is a controversial cliché used throughout the world. This quote, like many others, has been manipulated, changed and abused for the advantage of whomever is using it. When it is beneficial, individuals tend to change the meaning behind the positivity of the message. It's just like how rumors get started. Someone says something to another person, that person passes it along to the next, but whether intentionally or unintentionally, the words of the original individual get altered. Sometimes words are added, left out or simply misstated to the next and the next and the next, until finally it reaches a point where the message is no longer in its original state. 

Grandma's Hands

                  A family that prays together, stays together...... 

That's what the old adage says right? 

For some, family is very meaningful and taken very seriously while others gloat about being okay all by themselves because they trust no-one and 'family ain't never done nothing for me' (did I get that right). Well, for me my family is all I have ever had and all I have ever known. However the strength and connection of the relationships do differ, as a whole everyone has always been pretty supportive of one another. 

Stories told to me by others throughout the years, movies depicting family feuds on the screen, books painting pictures of family love verses family hate have all been a figment of imagination to me thus far because there has never been a huge blow that caused separation between my family. But this time it was like an earthquake--shattering lives and separating bonds.

No More Trauma, No More Drama

From one extreme to another, driven by the desire to love and be loved. I drove myself in to a frenzy; dancing the same dance-round and round in circles; like living in Neverland-a never ending story.

I am not one to seek much attention from the universe-as I am somewhat timid and shy. Uncomfortable in the mist of unfamiliar territory and those individuals I do not know. Afraid of how others will view me, judge me and label me. I am different. Different in ways that so many people are unfamiliar with and afraid to even try to comprehend.

When in love, or heavy like, I tend to give that person all of me. Literally every drop, leaving myself with nothing. I've been down this road before; young and unaware of the consequences of an abusive relationship and landed myself in the chair of a therapist. Trying to sort out what went wrong and how to get through all the pain and feelings of worthlessness I was feeling. Yet fifteen years later I found myself back in the same scenario; different guy, deeper connection. And let me tell you, the aftermath of the fall out was the most traumatic event I have ever experienced in this short lifetime of mine....

Free to Fly!

On my journey to become a better version of myself, I have been searching and searching for what I feel is missing. On yesterday I attended Easter Sunday church service and was completely moved by the angelic voices of the devotional team, heartfelt utterings from the pastor and most importantly, I was undoubtedly touched by the spirit. As I sat on the pew on the church, I felt this powerful yet gentle wave of wind flow all around and and thru me. The aurora of God had fulfilled me. As I began to pray, the words flowed from my tongue like they have never done before.

"God take away my hurt, my, pain, and the regrets I have from the mistakes I have made. Take away my feelings of worthlessness and failure. Make me whole, give me peace, give me freedom. Show me how to love and be loved".

Married-To-Be

Being married is a dream I have had since I was a young girl. The older I got the more passionate I became about becoming a wife. Back in my college days, my friends and I would touch on the subject here and there, daydreaming of how we pictured our wedding day to be. I remember naively believing I would be married by the age of 25 and have all of my children (4 at the moment) by the time I turned 33. Now at the tender age of 35 in a half (yes I said and a half), I have become severely obsessed with the desire to be married and become Mrs. Anybody. 

Most of the guys I have dated for any extended period of time I dated with the intention of things growing serious and the possibility of marriage to be an option. Now, being that I did not want to scare any prospects away, I did not mention the idea of marriage at all to any of them. I was almost ashamed to verbalize the desire to date with the intention of marriage in fear men would tuck their tales and run.