Sept. 7

Today as we were texting one another and I felt compelled to pick up the phone and call. We spoke for about 45 minutes. I believe we were both able to release what was on our mind, at least I know I was. I spoke to you with care, compassion, and respect. I was calm, able to control my feelings and get across how I was feeling without unleashing the beast. It was an easier conversation than I anticipated it would be, being that we had not spoken on the phone (only text) since August 15. I shared my future dreams and expectations I had preplanned in my mind for us. I told you that from the day I met you in Moe's I knew you were the one (I feel like) God had sent to me to one day be my forever after.

In closing, I expressed how much I truly hoped for you to find someone to love you, but more importantly for you to find someone you yourself could love and commit to wholeheartedly without the desires of fulfilling spare time with random additional women. I told you I loved you then, I love you now and I always will. You in return said that you love me too, that you would miss me and you wished me well.

Seconds later I received a text stating, "Thank you for being so complementary of me in your parting conversation". This made my heart smile, as I had no idea the words I spoke were even resonating with you. I even expressed to you while on the phone that I didn't think anything I was saying would make a difference to you and that you probably wouldn't even believe the words I was saying, because you said yourself that you had no trust in me whatsoever anymore. I was under the impression I was wasting my time with the words I was saying to you (but I still let them flow), so it was heartwarming to receive that text from you. Even if you only expressed you appreciated me being complementary of you (and not inclusive of how I felt about us and my feelings towards you). Nevertheless I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you one last time. I was surprisingly relieved after talking with you. I felt a weight was lifted from my spirit and I was no longer filled with anger or resentment. I don't know how long this will last, but I will embrace the peace and comfort I was given for as long as I can.





Sept. 10

As I begin my day being awakened by the sound of  my 'Living my best life-Card B' alarm tone, I struggle at the ability to get my tale out of bed. I begin to wake up my daughter, who is right next to me, to get her ready for school, and she tells me, "mom my eyes aren't ready, they want to stay closed".
Alas, I am finally able to get us both up and running, and the 1st thing that comes to my mind is you. I noticed I had a SMS notification on my iPhone and before I even opened it up, I was subconsciously hoping it would be a message from you. Although it was not you, I still had you on my mind. The entire trip to my morning drop off, I was reminded of you and things we had done together as I pulled up to Raelyn's school.

After drop off, I head into work. I am a bit tired from the weekend, staying up till 5 am conversing with my mentor about life and about my recent love loss. I am eager to journal about my weekend/ and days since the end of us began, to sort out my emotions and help me through each  coming day. Although I have had a semi busy day at work I have still not managed to get you off of my mind. But I am proud of myself. Before when things were rocky with you and I, I often was unable to physically or emotionally function well enough to remain at/be productive at work. Today I am functioning well and and getting things both personal and professional accomplished.

While I am in he midst of journaling about my day today, I received a call from my mother. We spoke about general topics and asked one another how our day was coming along. I then asked her how her date went with daddy this weekend. Upon finishing that up, the inevitable happened. My mom asked me about Fairfield. I took a deep breath, as I have been avoiding this conversation with her for nearly 3 weeks. Mom knows Fairfield and knows briefly of our relationship and the trials we have been through. I carefully explained to her what happened, and where I am emotionally. I expressed it is still fresh and that I cannot dwell on it in detail with her at the moment. She shared her wisdom and words of advice and comfort, and let me know that she understood it was difficult for me to discuss right now. She understood why he said he has lost all trust in me because she too has lost all trust in me at one point within recent years. She completely understood his reasonings for walking away as well and my disappointment in myself for causing things to escalate to the point of no return.

Today is Day3 - I am learning to be strong and hold my head up high, mask my emotions and not wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am learning that each day gets better. Each day I am discovering a little more. Every moment I am striving to be a better person and let go of the indiscretions of my past so they do not control nor effect my future or future relationships.

My intentions have always been to treat others well, be kind, and to uphold my morals & values. But as I reflect on this relationship, it brings back memories both past and present, of times in which I have-not been so good to others; especially the ones I love. I am not proud. It is disheartening and makes me afraid to hear what those I love would say about me in death. Therefore it is my goal to work towards loving myself so I will be able to love others they way they deserve to be loved.

People in my life have failed me - because I first failed them.





Sept. 13-Sept.16

It's been several days of silence and peace. I start my day off with a remembrance tattoo early in the morning around 10 am. Once I finish, go home, nap and am on my way to work. I hear my SMS go off and it is none other that that famous choo-choo tone of the one and only Fairfield. I read the message and it says 'Hi Summer'. I took several minutes to ponder on whether or not I was going to respond. Alas, 12 minutes later I reply 'Hi' back. As I am under the impression he only wanted to speak and say hello, and then return to silence as he has done many times before, this time I was wrong. Again I hear my choo-choo text tone. I take a deep breath as I have no idea what to expect. The message reads, 'how are you doing'? In my head I have a million responses going thru my mind as to what to say to him; how the hell do you think I am doing, why the hell do you even care, and so many more. Again I take moments to gather myself before responding. I wanted to be sure I came off mature, calm and in control of the words I was going to type back to him. I informed him that I am doing great and there is no need for him to continually check in on me. What did I do that for. He is so entrapped in his negative way of thinking that he jumps on the fact that he wholeheartedly believes I was intending on telling him what to do, that he replies, 'Don't tell me what to do'. This is the exact dialogue I was trying to avoid. I assured him I was not telling him what to do, just simply that I am doing well and he doesn't need to worry about me. As you may assume, this resulted in on and off texts the remainder of the day into the evening. Nothing heavy but he did invite me over to see him; I politely declined.

I do not recall us messaging one another on Friday, (if we did it there is nothing that comes to mind), but on Saturday I opened a bag of worms when I text him on my way to work. I text him inquiring about a previous arrangement we had and ended up being called all sorts of names inclusive of being told that I wasted the last 4 years of his life and he wished he had never been involved with me. Hurtful yes, but nonetheless, I did not allow his anger or nastiness affect the way in which I responded or felt about myself. I have yet to do something for another individual and had an ulterior motive. The only motive was being a kind friend and helping someone I care about in their time of need. So it hurt hearing that he felt I only did it to hold it over his head and that I was evil for not doing things out of the kinds of my heart.

By now I have been reeled back in and keep texting anything just to keep the conversation moving along. Knowing that he would still respond back is what kept my fingers typing. Knowing that as long as I said something I could still see his name flash across my screen. Even though I know I should have ended the conversation long ago - its something about knowing he's still in contact with me. My Sunday was drab and I spent most of my Saturday & Sunday lying in bed - no television, no lights. I know that I have to keep going, keep moving on, but I stopped receiving random how are you doing, good morning, etc texts I would be able to move on much faster. But instead, I get set back each time he reaches out. He's the one who called it quits, so why is he still contacting me is my question. I told him had moved on and he immediately assumes I have moved on with another man. Haha - yeah I thought it was funny too. Whether is it true or a part of his fantasy, is none of his business, and I intend on keeping it that way.

I ended the conversation with a long, strong, firm message to him stating that I am fine, do not check on me unless it is about our arrangement. Told him that his hurtful words cut deep and would be lasting. As I sit here on Monday morning telling you about the events of the weekend, I am wondering if I did the right thing. Do I really want to stop receiving the random texts from him, because they allow me to think I am still on his mind and that maybe-just maybe he misses me too.
Now I will spend the coming days in anticipation wondering if he will abide by my wishes and not text or live by his own rules and texts when he wants to as he has been doing all along.

Only time will tell,

Stay tuned.....

It is  Thursday, September 6th, 7:06 am. I am sitting at my desk trying to sort through my thoughts and slow down my racing mind. I am suppose to be here writing about my 1 year blog anniversary (that I missed on August 30th), but instead I am here to clear my mind of the events that have taken place over the last 3 weeks.

The end began just one day before I left for my cruise to the Bahamas, August 15th. I was having a conversation with Fairfield that started innocent and fun an turned out the be the beginning of the end of our relationship. One misunderstanding sabotaged the 4+ (almost 5) year long relationship/friendship I had with the man I believed would be my lifetime lover, friend, and partner.

I am in disbelief that someone I have spent so much time with and given so much of myself to, would-could walk away from me with nothing short of a second thought. We have at some point both threatened to cease communication with one another, but never managed to complete the task. But I am here today to tell you that that day has come, and it has come far to soon for me. I have been stronger than I imagined - not reaching out to him in the mist of his departure. But he has still managed to reach out to me 4 times over the course of the last 3 weeks. I have responded to some of his attempts and ignored others in order to prevent the pain from resurfacing it nasty little head. Each time I hear from him feels like the knife being inserted and ripped out all over again.

On last night, I reached out for the first time in an attempt to unemotionally express the need to make a clean break from our friendship without him reaching out like he had been doing -  attempting to be concerned with how I had been doing, as he had done the day before. The plethora of emotions I have floating within me is absolutely overwhelming. I have so many unanswered questions, so many emotions I am trying to suppress in order to prevent more emotion from resurfacing and kicking me in the ass.



A friend of mine, one who has wanted me to leave Fairfield from the day I met him, sent me a tweet yesterday that read; "have you ever had a breakup without even dating? That shit hurts like a motherfucker". He sent it as a shot to me for having feelings for a man who never wanted me, but I received it as nothing but the truth. It hit home that I have been giving my all to a man for the past 4+ (almost 5) years that... after the turmoil in out relationship, never intended on me being his forever. This tweet made me realize that I have done all I can do. There is nothing more I can do but move on, and love myself as much as I have been loving him.

But yet I am still here in this place where I feel almost numb, almost immovable. Fragile, afraid, defeated and all alone. I replay the words he's said over and over in my head trying to understand why I stayed so long. Trying to forget the things we've done, places we've been, time we've spent and love we once shared. I would be fooling myself if I said I don't think the reason for him dismissing me was because he found a woman with whom he has decided he wants to give a chance. A woman he feels he can love in a way he could never see himself loving me. The more I think about it, the more I feel anger, sadness and resentment, so I am trying to keep those thoughts out of my head and fill it with positivity bout finally breaking free. So far I have failed. Just like I failed at becoming his woman; his wife.



Listening to the radio, walking through my home, cooking a meal, going on vacation, watching a television sitcom, seeing the battle rappers I follow on Instagram, hearing his voice, remembering things he's said (both kind and hurtful), the agonizing pain of hearing my daughter ask me to call him up or her asking to see him..... No matter what it is, no matter where I turn there are reminisce of him lurking around hindering my progress to forget him. It has become a daily routine that I listen to Ann Marie's 'Unlove you' track. I don't know if it is pure torture or a healing device. But even when it is not playing I am still singing, even at this very moment...

'I wish I could forget you, wish I could unlove you. Wish that I could go back to the days before I met you. Then maybe you can't hurt me like you do, make me feel the way you do, keep me running back to you. I wish I could rewind'

I keep saying 4 years 4 nothing, but nothing can erase or replace the time I spent with him. The good times and the bad have taught me so much about being me. I have learned so much about how to and how not to communicate, having self control, keeping and sharing feelings when the time is right. There are at least a hundred things I could list that I have learned from this relationship and from him that I will take with me into the future that will better me as a woman. Although I am engulfed with so much emotion right now, I still manage to say a few nice things about him and myself as well. I use these brief moments as reminders that I WILL BE OKAY in the end. The random compliments I strum up are a sign all hope is not lost and a glimpse at the amazing woman I am becoming.



Everyone says that time heals all wounds. I know not whether this is true, but I do know that in time things will get better. A dear friend told me today, 'If he doesn't miss me in my absence, my presence is pointless". I will take this notion along with others I have heard during this tying time and apply them to sticky notes all over my house to help get me through. I am going to allow myself to heal from the hurt and the pain of losing my very best friend and lover by taking things one moment and one day at a time. I will come out victorious and a much stronger woman for what I have endured. Until then I must face each day as it comes and learn to cope through his existence instead of running. This relationship I have shared with him has caused me to grow up, face reality, and put on a coat of armor to shield my heart.

I will forever miss him and he will forever be the love of my life. I will forever love him, he will forever be embedded in my heart.

I love you Fairfield, I always will. Missing you already!

Goodbye,
Love YWG

What is life? What is love? And how do we set ourselves up for success? The past several months, I have heard about and read so many articles, texts, blogs etc. about people speaking life into the things they desire to obtain, both tangible and intangible. Not giving much thought of my own to it, I brushed it off and interpreted as people just being overly positive and me embracing the Negative Nancy that lives inside of me. If you know me, you know that I am 'she of little faith' due to the impact my dads unsupportive, sometimes negative comments, and his wanna be so-called reverse psychology (I tell you you cannot do something so it will encourage you to get it done) type parenting skills have made on me. I may want something, even take the time to pray for and work towards obtaining it, but when the road gets rough, I cling to the, 'it's never gonna happen' thought, like a kid  with her favorite blankie. Nevertheless, I eventually pick myself back up again and start all over, reaching for my goals, even though its like starting all over again from the beginning, I want to complete a goal this time without giving up. 

A few days ago, I received some uplifting words of encouragement that made me think about the way I have been going about life. I was unknowingly challenged by a young woman on the rise as an up and coming mompreneur. This woman is a wife, mom, former athlete, fitness guru, business professional, and founder of her own company, whom I deeply admire. She posted something that really touched me, so I reached out to send her my appreciation for the words she spoke regarding speaking things into existence. Mind you , she is a stranger and just someone I follow via social media, but I could not help but send her my thanks. She then replied with a personal note JUST FOR ME reassuring me that although she did not know what struggles or hardships I had been through, God is always with me and he is not through with me yet! 

She briefly shared somethings with me, one being how she spoke something into existence pertaining to her business. She spoke it, wrote it down(even showed us via social media), did the work, prayed about it and claimed it. After all of this - low and behold, her wish/prayer was answered and she had received exactly what she had asked for. She reminded me that life can be tough and shared with me that during her hardships, her faith was the only thing that had shown her how to have peace in the midst of a storm. I let her words and her personal experiences resonate with me over the next few days. Then I decided to do something about gaining and maintaining my own peace and speaking life into the things I want to have so that I will one day be able to receive them also. 


I don't want for much, but the things I do want are far from having monetary significance. They are things that one cannot just go to Target and purchase.  Saying aloud what I want, claiming them and believing they will actually happen is most definitely out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to dream of them and have them fade away when reality awakens me. 

Today I want to make a change. I want to step out on faith and try manifestation on for size. Being that this will be something totally new to me, I know it will take time and hard work to change my mentality, but I am up for the task. And because of my history with people, I know I will be alone in this journey. Although I have made some major changes in my attitude and am able to deal with my depression much better, I know that in the past, I have spewed out so much negativity and been so defensive with my words and my tone to those around me, that I know no one will stand by me as I make an effort to become a better version of me. Maybe this is a test, maybe this is a new chapter in my book, or maybe this is God's way of pushing me to step out on faith, be strong and just believe. 

My Man

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31

I will marry the love of my life. This man is tall (to me), dark, and handsome. He is strong and passionate. He is slow to love as a precautionary measure of protecting himself from yet another repeated failed relationship. This man is an exceptional father and I know he will be an amazing care-giver, protector and provider. The love of my life is not one to show much emotion for fear of being vulnerable, leaving himself open to be hurt and let down. He has faults as he, like us all, is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. I want to be his woman, his friend, his lover, and his wife. With this man I want to spend the rest of my life. He is funny, kind, and considerate. He is loving and playful with my daughter and she glows in his presence. She too has expressed her love for him. This man is scarred and comes with baggage. He is cautions and careful. He is protective and prideful. These qualities may seem unbecoming to you, but to me makes him a diamond in the rough. He is a rare gem. Not a pretty package everyone will run to to unwrap. But when he wraps his arms around me I never want him to let go. I never want to spend a day without him in my life and I am speaking our union into existence. I will not Rush the process, nor will I continue to ignore my dreams. We will be, we will exist, we will be happy, we will create a loving family, we will love one another, we will grow old together.

The times we have shared over the last several years has not always been a cakewalk. Everyday has not been without pain, hurt, or betrayal etc. They say love should be easy, it very well may be. But your journey is not my journey; it is not ours. No matter our struggles- together or apart, we are still right by each others side, holding on, and I know that we will continue to be there for one another. I believe timing is everything and our time is just above the horizon. Part of trusting God and trusting his process is the art of learning patience. I may not have mastered the patience lesson yet, but I am doing my best waiting and working towards what I have claimed to be my future, my man, my husband. 

Although the time is not now, although we are still working on ourselves, I know that God has a plan, one right now I don't understand, he is working on us a part so one day we can be together and not torn a part. I know I have been waiting, and questioning when it will happen, but I cannot question God's timing for he is always right on time. I will continue to pray for us. I will speak it aloud, I will speak it into existence. I will manifest the reality I want to live, and I will live it. 

 "So then they were no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore let what God has joined together, let no man separate." Matthew 19:6

Mommy's Girl

"There's nothing as powerful as a mothers love, nothing as healing as a child's soul." 

My daughter is my world and I live for her everyday. And although I think I do a pretty good job at being her mother, I still have the fear I will not be enough for her. I suffer from depression and sometimes I get down. Sometimes I don't want to play or even be bothered. I do my best to make sure she is fulfilled and well taken care of while I pep myself back up, but I constantly worry that she will resent me for the areas I have failed at being the best mom I can be. We take trips and play games, we spend quality time snuggled on the couch watching movies and telling each other stories. We also tackle the educational component so that she stays ahead in her learning. But everyday I wonder if I have done enough. Have I shown her enough love? Have I spent enough time? Have I answered her questions to the best of my ability? The list goes on and on. 

I sometimes drive myself crazy wondering what questions she will have next and doubting I will have all the answers. She is growing older, and her mind works very similar to mine, she wants to know why and when to everything lol. She is beginning to ask me about marriage, babies, and a father. She is exploring body parts and becoming sassy. She is independent yet needy. She wants quality time playing dolls, playing outside, and playing on the iPad. I try to limit time spent on electronics so she won't become a couch potato and miss out on the joys of other activities. But sometimes I find myself slipping into being 'that mom' I said I didn't want to me and allowing her to spend more time watching tv or on the iPad than I would like her to spend. These questions and times of possible failure to my daughter are the very things that I fear will prevent me from seeing all the good I have done as her mother. I foresee me missing the parts of her that are amazing because of my teachings due to my inability to see me as an amazing mom. 

In order to continue to have the best, healthiest relationship with her, it is my responsibility to change the way I think about being her mommy. I must speak more positivity into the universe so it will be reciprocated in the form of me surviving mommyhood. No more 'what ifs'. So from now on, I will believe that I am doing right by my daughter. I am providing her with all her needs and a lot of her wants. I will seek guidance from God and others when needed. I am good enough to be her mother and I know she will be proud to be my daughter. We will share secrets and tell each other jokes. We will build a stronger bond each and everyday that goes by. I will lead her, teach her, and guide her to the best of my ability and I will be confident in my doing. I still may fail at a task but I will not fail as a mother. I will be her listening ear and her comforter.

The love I have for her is endless. I will remind myself to worry less and pray more. Positive Paula has arrived and is ready to play. Time to taking mommying to the next level and show up for her even when I don't have the energy and don't feel well. I am an amazing mom and I will only get better!

"Of all the things I have done, you are by far the greatest!"

My Career

"Make your passion your paycheck"

For years I have been trying to figure out what my career path will be. After graduating college for the second time, I decided I wanted to start my own non-profit business to aid student-athletes. I was inspired by an assignment in my Sports Management class the last year of college where we had to come up with our own business, write a business plan, configure financials, the whole nine. I came up with an idea I loved and was passionate about so I continued to work on it after graduation. I tweeked my business plan to reflect the actual business I wanted to start. I personally designed the logo, opened an email account and even went to a few free courses for starting up a non-profit small business. It was an amazing feeling and I was on my way to having what I longed for.

As you can imagine, life got busy after graduation as I began job searching and devoting my time to finding a career to supplement my living expenses. But with all I had going on my business venture was put on hold. I found myself doubting my goals and how I would accomplish something to this magnitude. As the years went by, I was on and off with working towards getting things in place to open the doors of my business. I would take steps forward and then fall back. It has been a revolving cycle and I was no closer to making my dream come true.

During this time of exploring the option of opening my academic & sports performance institute for high school and college athletes, I began to test the waters exploring my creative bone and dove head first into graphic design. At the time I didn't know that is what I was doing. I thought I was just making flyers and colorful spreadsheets for my job and other teachers. But low and behold, a college classmate reached out to me on Yahoo Messenger. As we began to catch up, I just so happened to share a project I was working on with him. He then shared with me that he himself was a self-acclaimed, self-taught graphic designer. From that day on, he began to teach me all about design via the Yahoo Messenger app. You would be amazed what I have learned and how far I have come.

Ten years later I have become a self-acclaimed graphic designer myself and I am loving it. I love what I do and I am actually pretty good at it. I even started my own business Not So Pink Designs and have my own clients as well as helping out my friend. He now owns his own graphic design business/print shop, and recently opened  his own store front and is doing very well. Together we have decided to take it a step further and dive into a new avenue (still graphics related) and we hope to launch it soon. This brings me to my new career goal. I am going to use the income from this new joint venture and save up to open a second location of his business (in my area) and become partners in the print/graphic design business. I have always wanted to work for myself and this would be the perfect opportunity and would work well for me and my family. I could be available for my daughter more and make my own hours, even work from home when necessary.

I am letting the universe know that I will not fail in the starting of this second location or the venture he and I plan to start together this year. I am going to be a successful entrepreneur, wife and mother. What I put out will be endless amounts of positivity, so much that it will make you think twice about who you are talking to. I am pushing away the fears and the doubts and I am putting forth the confidence and determination to accomplish this goal in which lies my passion.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."

Inspiration, motivation and determination come in many different forms from many different people. Some people are easily motivated while others need the force of a small army to help them through everyday life, (I am one of those people). It is often true that, although each of our journeys is different, they can be very similar when categorizing them in general scenarios. What I mean by this is you may have a friend who has been sick with an illness (other than your common cold) and struggled getting their health back on track, making ends meet due to overwhelming doctor bills, and so on. You too may have experienced some health scares of your own. You both dealt with your sickness in different ways as it may have affected your bodies in different ways, but you both know what it is like to have gone through a series of health complications. Our life experiences, though different, are sometimes very similar and allow us to share our stories and our experiences with one another in hopes of building a bond or just to show one another that you are not alone. No matter what we go through - it shapes the individuals we become. Surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you is so important and necessary (at least for me).

For my entire life, I have relied on the influence of others to help determine my path(s) in life. I have looked to others for direction, motivation and support of my own dreams. I struggled with determining when to take the advice of others and when to listen to my own heart and mind. Some of the decisions that came from this mass confusion turned out to be devastating, while others made so much sense and have helped me to grow into a better person. Nevertheless, I am proud to say, I am finally learning to step out on faith and believe in myself and what I can do all on my own. 






For many years, I have told myself, "you can't do it", "just do enough to get by", "who cares if you don't know it all", "mediocre is just the right fit for me". But I am tired of just being complacent and stagnant in my life. A dear friend of mine often aggravates me with his 'know everything about everything', & his 'I gotta get more' mentality; and instead of applauding him and striving to do the same for myself, I sit back and scrape the bottom of the barrel giving the same ole' lil bit of effort in almost all areas of my life. Challenging myself to achieve above average results hasn't ever seemed to stimulate me. Being in this nonchalant state of being has prevented me from rising to the occasion, any occasion in which I could be great!  As you have read in previous posts, I gained 60 pounds two years ago. Although I later learned the weight gain was due to medical complications as a result of a prescribed medication, I fell into a rut. At one point I put forth so much effort to shed the pounds, but to no avail, and I got stuck thinking that no matter what I do, I will forever remain this size. Now I know this is not completely accurate, as I have already lost 25 pounds (without exercise), but I have yet to pick up my feet to do the necessary work. Just imagine what I could lose and how fast I could get back to my old weight if I just put more effort into it. Again settling for the minimal. I have become complacent and have lost all the willpower I ever had, which wasn't much to begin with, and I am allowing myself to just sit and do nothing.

Once upon a time, I dreamt of being a mother. I envisioned all the amazing things I would do with my child, all the adventures we would go on, play dates, tea parties, sport participation, and so much more. But after becoming a mother, I have yet again become satisfied with accomplishing the mere basics of motherhood; love, protect and provide. I have the best intentions of doing more, I honestly do, but at the end of my workday I don't have the energy to fulfill all the 'extra' stuff I want to do. I know what many of you are thinking, 'it's not about you'. Yes I know it isn't, but me being who I have been for so long, the simple things that motivate most, just doesn't motivate me like it should.

Do any of you ever feel that no matter what you do or how much time and effort you put into something that you will always end up on the losing end? I do. I feel I lack confidence and belief in myself that I CAN actually do the things I set my mind to doing. How do you gain confidence and belief in yourself? Does it come naturally or is it something you have to work on as an individual? Tricky question however, I feel it can be both. I do believe that some people are just born with confidence and are self motivators who don't need approval from others to seek and achieve their own success. And I also feel that confidence is something you have to build within yourself overtime through positive affirmations and self care. Although I know both things to be true, it has been a difficult journey for me to develop that confidence and belief in self that I am speaking of.

Here's why....

My father and I have been very close throughout my life and I consider myself an all and out  'daddy's girl'. I know he loves me dearly and would do anything to help me, but I recently discovered some interesting facts about our relationship that I never put to much thought into before now. My dad likes to give me tough love. As a teenager and throughout my twenties, I was not the easiest child to deal with. I sometimes had terrible mood swings, nasty attitude and that 'I'm grown, you can't tell me what to do' mentality. There were many times when I would get myself into a financial bind. I would go overboard with my credit card and not be able to pay what little bills I had even though I was working (because I kept making more bills and/or was wasting money on unnecessary 'must have' items). My dad and my mom would always lecture me and then bail me out. The extension of their services does not only apply to financial means, but advice on friends, school, motherhood etc. They are very kind and generous parents, but sometimes the 'talks' that come along with their assistance weren't always what I needed at the time. I noticed the last few years that my dad is very very negative when dealing with me. It's almost like he doesn't believe in  me just as much as I don't believe in myself, which in turn causes me to doubt myself even more. I get it, I do not have the best track record and maybe there has been some trust lost over the years, but I often leave our conversations feeling more down and defeated, as if I am not already hard enough on myself. Always wanting to pleasely dad and be his little perfect princess was the role that I took on. I never wanted him to see me as weak, broken or less than (even though I often fell short). I wanted to remain the apple of his eye as I had been as a little girl. So you can only imagine the hurt and feelings I felt when he made it known that I had let him down. I have often approached my dad with ideas of starting my own business, saving money to take a trip or to buy a special item I want, shared news that has made me smile and feel warm and loved, or just the simple things that may not mean much to him but mean the world to me; and all I get back from him are words of discouragement. I have a desire deep within me to BE GREAT, but once I share those thoughts with him it's like he only wants me to be satisfied where I am and not to seek becoming better, making more money, having better things, and it is a big let down.  I want both my mother and father to be proud of me and the things I accomplish or want to accomplish. I want their support in things I do that allow me to open doors for better opportunities for me and my daughter. I want them to be able to look at me and be proud of me for pushing the envelope and not stopping at mediocre. I want them to see the potential I have and encourage me to fulfill my dreams instead of supporting me in their/my quest to meet the bare minimum.







What determines the difference in those individuals who push the limits to achieve great success and those who only do enough to 'make the team' but not be a starter. How is it that others can put so much effort and belief in themselves to achieve their dreams and make them a reality, while others sit back and do only what is necessary to make a decent or just above decent living?

I have had so many experiences of being told I won't succeed that I began to believe it myself. Being told, 'you'll never be a ball player', 'I don't think you will ever get your masters degree', 'you say you gonna breast feed, I give you a week',  'you have to have money to start your own business, and you can't even pay your bills' ; this kind of negativity is the reason I have more than enough self doubt. Although some of these things I did in fact accomplish, the negativity still stuck with me and will take some time to unravel. 

I am glad that my self reflection continues to pay off and that I am learning more and more about me daily as well as those around me who play a role in my life. Learning how your relationships work and how they effect your life is imperative to your personal growth. It takes courage and strength to take a step back and look at yourself from a different perspective (sometimes in a light that you don't seem so pretty in) so that you can change. Change is not always comfortable but it is necessary! I am learning to embrace my beauty on the inside and as well as the outside. I am focused on adopting a more positive perspective in the way I view myself as a friend, daughter, mother, supervisor, business woman and a blogger. It is going to take some major willpower and dedication to rid myself of some of my ugly habits but I and ready and more than willing to finally put forth that effort. I am going to become who God has in store for me and I am going to be GREAT at it! I am no longer going to settle for mediocre or sell myself short. I am going to throw on those big girl panties and put in work. I will set new goals and I will achieve them (both old and new). I will become my own cheerleader and root myself on all the way to the finish line. In order to be great you have to do uncomfortable things, often stand on your own, and don't allow the Negative Nancys' to dictate your path. You don't have to live the story others write for you.With God's guidance, change the script and re-write your own story. Set out to achieve your dreams and discover the woman you were meant to be. Be 'that girl' with confidence, love, determination and motivation. You are the only one who can truly stop your dreams from becoming a reality.

On this day you were born, a day in the spring
If only I had vocals, to you I would sing
Instead ill write; jot down a few little things
This ride were on is like no other,

I found you again, so it must be true
The one who holds my heart, the one with whom I grew
A better woman - you've changed me, Made me better thru and thru
A love so special that only God knew
One day would meet again and become more than just friends
Timing wasn't perfect for me or for you
but that didn't stop my dreams from coming true

I look left, I look right- all I see is you in my sight
Trying to hide my feelings but I'm losing that fight
Mind racing, heart pacing, my footsteps Im retracing
Remembering past times, the good and the bad
Some make me feel good, others make me sad
Despite it all, still give you my all
NO matter if you stand tall or take a hard fall
Ill be there to support, uplift and encourage
Don't worry Ill be here if you ever get discouraged

Single bachelor, you stay on the prowl
afraid to say I do and walk down the isle
You've lost trust and have little faith
the women you've dated, they've crossed you and betrayed
back on the right path then you went astray
when you dated a girl ten years your gray
It broke me heart I wanted to die
How could she creep in and steel you from my side

When I came to my senses and opened my eyes
I realized it was all my fault; me and crazy stupid lies
Who wants to be with someone who whines and cries
Just wants attention and that you despise
As time moved on I grew and I grew
My Does of Khandi helped thru
I leaned how to cope, spread joy and hope

Now I have the skills to be your best friend
Were on the right path, lets start a new trend
One with me you can always depend

Take a moment and think back to the very first time you dreamt of the idea of being in love, or back to a time when you actually felt love for the very first time. It was magical wasn't it? I am sure that you had that funny feeling of butterflies floating around in your tummy, and that smile that no-one and nothing could erase from your face. Thinking of that person only brought sheer joy to your heart and peace to your soul. Knowing that they were good enough for you, but not knowing you were good enough for them...

When you take a deeper look into what a relationship means between a woman and a man, do you think of it as a partnership? Although I have yet to find this type of love for myself, thats what a relationship means to me. Having someone with whom you can call on in situations of any magnitude who will support you, love you, and someone whom you can trust (and you the same). I have had my share of romantic flings over the years but I never felt as though anyone was "bring home to momma" worthy...until I met this one special guy. Our times together were not always picture perfect, however the overall picture was as close to perfect as I have gotten in my 17 years on the market. In those 17 years, no relationship has taught me the things that this relationship has taught me about myself and being a partner to someone else.

I have learned that being in control of your thoughts, emotions and your tongue play a valuable role in how you are able to communicate with others. Ever felt as though you were being misunderstood, or overly emotional? Yeah, I have too but never thought to look at myself as the reason for the misunderstandings. I was placing the blame on the other party because I felt they misinterpreted my words and my actions on purpose to make me look bad or because they no longer wanted to fulfill the role they were currently playing in my life. Then I discovered that in order to minimize the occurrences of this, it was my job to ensure that I was conveying the right message in the right way. This method has proved to be one of the better changes I have made in my life during the "reconstruction" of myself. Now mind you, I am in the peek of my thirties and STILL SINGLE. I have been on this journey to better myself, for myself and for my future partner (whomever he may be) so that I am ready for the next steps that are coming at me.

Getting back to the point.

I come from a good family, one in which all 16 of my aunts and uncles have a college degree, good jobs, families and live by upstanding morals & values. We are close nit and very supportive of one another in every possible way. I am of the age where I am dreaming more and more of having a husband and family of my own yet every 365 days that goes by and am no closer than I was at 20. I get discouraged that I will ever find that ONE guy I will spend the rest of my life with. Now, like I mentioned, there is a special guy in my life, but he and I are just friends. I care for him deeply, but I can not for certain say that his feelings are reciprocated for me in the same fashion. We have been in each others lives for almost 4 years and he has yet to formally meet any of my family. He and I have had multiple conversations on what we want in a partner, share the same morals, values and opinions on various subjects, yet have not made the move to the next level (and I don't know if we ever will). I get that there are some people that are less comfortable meeting the family if the two of them are not in a committed relationship, however we have clearly established that we are just friends (AND MY FAMILY KNOWS THIS) and he still refuses to take part in any family events or simply meeting the 'rents.

My parents are very down to earth people with open minds and open hearts. They are accepting of all people, even those who have not made the best decisions in life. My parents want the best for me and if my mate comes in the form of a non college educated man they are totally okay with that, just so long as he treats me and my daughter well. This brings me to my friend...He is in his late thirties, old school, hard worker and loves his kids. He did not attend college but is not 'uneducated' by far. He is very intelligent, handsome, employed, an amazing father and just an overall good human being. We went on a road trip recently and engaged in a conversation where relationships were the topic. We talked about why we feel relationships in the black community are not what they were when our parents were our ages, discussed cheating, the influence of social media, and what we each think makes a good relationship last. During this conversation I discretely brought up the fact that I once had a guy friend I was close with that I had invited home to meet my folks and he always came up with a reason or an excuse as to why he was unable to meet them. I told him that my folks are eager to meet him, knowing we are only friends, and that they didn't care about his 'educational history'. I told him that I thought my friend may think he is not good enough to be in the company of my family and/or that they may make him feel uncomfortable. After giving my scenario, my friend responded saying that the guy I was speaking of may think its not that he doesn't feel 'good enough', but maybe because of the difference in the two of us grew up may be the issue. He said something to the effect that maybe I hold him at a higher regard than he holds himself and he doesn't think he'll ever measure up to my expectations. My expectations of what the man in a relationship looks and acts like. I was so thrown off by his response, that I said no more about this particular subject. I allowed myself some time to let it marinate in my head....and thus this post.

Now do you think that a man not feeling worthy enough of being in your life is an excuse to keep you in the friend zone or a true issue of not knowing if he will measure up to the standards that 'he thinks' you hold for your potential mate? I myself am completely flustered on this one. I know that it may be hard to adjust in your mind that there are still good wholesome people in this world, when you have this notion that your expectations for people in general are low. So I can see how the negativity can deter one from opening up because they just simply don't want to be let down yet again! But I want my friend to know that HE IS ENOUGH! He is enough to meet my family without fear of not being accepted. He is enough to be in my life on a level beyond friendship (although I am not going to push or pressure the matter), he is enough to be loved, appreciated and trusted! I do not know what will come of this friendship, but at the very least, I want to remain amazing friends and build the strongest friendship known to man with this man. The things I have learned from him and our dealings with one another have allowed me do rid myself of habits, thoughts and ways that were unbecoming of a 34 year old black woman. Things I would have not learned if God had not placed him in my life at the the time in which he did. I am beyond grateful and want him to know that he is welcomed and worthy of being in my life!

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH!