When I Saw You!

At first sight.....
His smile was big. He was full of humor, but His jokes were oh so corny.
But shortly hereafter, the exchange was made and all the negative faded away.


I saw your potential. I saw your drive.
I saw your ambition, your eagerness to survive.
I saw your caring nature, full of compassion and love.
I saw your kindness and your tenderness too.
Your attentiveness and gentle touch were more than I had ever received.
Took me by surprise and at that moment you were golden to me.

I felt your affection. Then an instant connection.
Blinded by the thought of love, my whole world came crashin'
Unable to relax, I respond and react, mainly 'cause of the patience I lack.
Eager to be loved, but afraid it will fail. I jumped the gun....and then made you run.
I blew it all away before it even stood a chance. Even made the mistake of letting you in my pants!

See, I had given up on finding love, told myself it's something I cannot handle.
I told myself I am unworthy, and I am just 'too much' for any man to handle.
But when I saw you, I saw a glimpse of what I'd been praying for. A smidge of what I've been longing.

They say when you know you know. I am not saying that I know, it was far too early to tell.
But if you're reading this now.... You know all my efforts have gone to hell!
It's apparent that this spell I'm under will never expel.
The race against time, clearly makes me blind, and I act like I am losing my mind.

I was afraid. I was scared.
I showed you parts of me you weren't ready to see.
Peel me back layer by layer... I said fuck that, it's all here on this platter.
I was too much.

Too exited at the possibility of being considered for more than 'one of the boys' or that late night tip.
Too overbearing - expecting calls, texts, dates.
When I didn't get them, I reacted and now you give me no chatter.
No calls, no text, and no more dates.
I scared you. I made you afraid.
I'm sure must be thinking 'Yo B, this girl is crazy'.

I asked once before...

Can we start again, can we be friends, can we try this thing again....

But now....

Because of my words, and these nasty 'lil swings,
I will never get the opportunity to see what we could be.
No more good graces and no more special places,
I did it again, and now you don't even want to be friends.

Coming Home

Tears roll down my face as I physically and emotionally feel every. single. ounce. of. emotion..... from each character of the television show 'All American' on The CW Network. The lessons of patience, vulnerability, love, family, facing your past and admitting your wrongs, has brought an overwhelming sense of reality right to my doorstep. I am currently in a state of limbo, making more adjustments in my life, accepting on new things and welcoming new people into my life and this episode definitely hit home.

Episode(7) of season two is still tugging on my heartstrings. I feel someone somewhere is trying to get a message to me on the path in which I should follow now. I am not one who 'goes easily' or willingly makes changes in my life. It is usually a traumatic event that has occurred repetitiously over and over again that pushes me to make adjustments in my life. I am stubborn or a 'late bloomer' as my mother likes to refer to me as. I am learning as I get older, to not take so long in my transitions. I am pretty sure that I have prolonged a hell of a lot of blessings that would have come earlier in life had I been more obedient.

'Love' in Disguise

I gave my heart to the wrong one! I was seeking things I wanted and was blinded by what I didn't want to see. Looking back, I was so desperate for love that I did everything in attempt to gain it. Going above and beyond, giving more to him than I gave to myself, and I even went so far as to give wife privileges to a man (or lack there of) who couldn't even make me his 'Main' girl, let alone his actual girlfriend or wife!

Piece X Peace

After a long hiatus of not blogging and a lot of behind the scene reflection, I am back for another mental release. Over the last 14 months, I have gone through probably every emotion there is beyond the traditional 4 emotions/stages of grief everyone talks about. Through my time away from my blog I spent an immense time working on self. I am that girl... 'that emotional girl' that evaluates and reevaluates every little thing. I typically beat up on myself but this time I learned to love myself (for the 1st time eva). What doesn't break (kill) you, only makes you stronger!

Scratching the Surface

KNOWLEDGE:

      Noun

1. facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject.

"Knowledge is power" is a controversial cliché used throughout the world. This quote, like many others, has been manipulated, changed and abused for the advantage of whomever is using it. When it is beneficial, individuals tend to change the meaning behind the positivity of the message. It's just like how rumors get started. Someone says something to another person, that person passes it along to the next, but whether intentionally or unintentionally, the words of the original individual get altered. Sometimes words are added, left out or simply misstated to the next and the next and the next, until finally it reaches a point where the message is no longer in its original state. 

Grandma's Hands

                  A family that prays together, stays together...... 

That's what the old adage says right? 

For some, family is very meaningful and taken very seriously while others gloat about being okay all by themselves because they trust no-one and 'family ain't never done nothing for me' (did I get that right). Well, for me my family is all I have ever had and all I have ever known. However the strength and connection of the relationships do differ, as a whole everyone has always been pretty supportive of one another. 

Stories told to me by others throughout the years, movies depicting family feuds on the screen, books painting pictures of family love verses family hate have all been a figment of imagination to me thus far because there has never been a huge blow that caused separation between my family. But this time it was like an earthquake--shattering lives and separating bonds.

No More Trauma, No More Drama

From one extreme to another, driven by the desire to love and be loved. I drove myself in to a frenzy; dancing the same dance-round and round in circles; like living in Neverland-a never ending story.

I am not one to seek much attention from the universe-as I am somewhat timid and shy. Uncomfortable in the mist of unfamiliar territory and those individuals I do not know. Afraid of how others will view me, judge me and label me. I am different. Different in ways that so many people are unfamiliar with and afraid to even try to comprehend.

When in love, or heavy like, I tend to give that person all of me. Literally every drop, leaving myself with nothing. I've been down this road before; young and unaware of the consequences of an abusive relationship and landed myself in the chair of a therapist. Trying to sort out what went wrong and how to get through all the pain and feelings of worthlessness I was feeling. Yet fifteen years later I found myself back in the same scenario; different guy, deeper connection. And let me tell you, the aftermath of the fall out was the most traumatic event I have ever experienced in this short lifetime of mine....