James Antonio,
I’ve waited some time in an attempt to allow things to calm down and settle a little bit. But I have some things, some feelings and thoughts I want to share with you. I know You most likely still don’t wanna hear from me, I get it. I say and do too much I know. But despite being an ‘emo’ my hope is that you read this, and do as you wish with my words, feelings, and emotions. I will try not to repeat things I have said in the past, as I have had more time to reflect and relay my words more articulately and say what I really want to say to you, verses miscommunication things in the heat of the moment(s).
I have been wrong on several occasions and in so many situations. I can admit that. I have done and said some very unconventional shit. That is my defense mechanism to protect myself from heartbreak again and again (clearly it doesn’t work). I will not make any excuses for what I have done nor will I ask nor beg for your forgiveness, but I do pray that one day (hopefully sooner than later) you find it in your heart to forgive me and are able to speak cordially to me, possibly have a friendship.
With that being said, I still care. ‘I told you how you hurt me baby, but you don’t care, now I’m crying and deserted baby, but you don’t care. You’re immune to all my pain you don’t care well thats ok, well I care. I know you don’t care too much, but I still care! Ever since you knew your power, you made me cry. And now every time this thing goes sour, you won’t sympathize. I try to tell you all my fears, you still don’t care but thats okay. I still care. ~ Beyonce.
I have made terrible mistakes with you from day 1 but it was because I was terrified. I was scared. I was unaware that any guy could like me the way I felt that you did….that you could. Because of how I had been treated in the past, I began to believe I didn’t deserve the kindness, care, compassion and attention you were giving to me.
As I was catching up on Insecure, Season 4 episode 4 I felt it when Molly told Andrew that she never had a relationship (dating) that she had to change her ways and schedule for. I felt that. She told him that she pushed him too much too fast about having better communication with her, him letting her in and him sharing his life’s ups and downs with her. She expressed that she new she was doing too much and rushing the progression of their friendship/relationship and was apologetic for it. I felt that too.
I am in no way perfect, in no way ready for a relationship; even at my age because of what I have been though in previous relationships. But I knew that you were different. I knew you were special, and I had no clue how to go about making you feel like a man, making you feel secure, or how to sit back and chill. I am 6 years older than you and somewhere in my delusional mind, feel my time is running slim on finding and keeping love. So I unintentionally self-sabotaged what what we could have potentially had together. Like the conversation between Andrew said to Molly, he mentioned the fact that she did too much, and that she makes the small things much bigger than what they actually are…. I often do that when I am afraid.
I am a go-getter ‘sometimes’. Usually it is at times when I should fall back, in all aspects of life-not just my relationships with guys. And I have to admit it is a terrible quality that I possess. But it is ME! I go hard for my family, my friends, and the man that I love/care about. I love hard, I some times fall fast, and once I do it is difficult for me to let go, because I hold onto hope. I hold on to possibilities and I come down on myself hard for the role I play in the demise of what I truly want and NEED!
May seem silly or straight up crazy to you, as I imagine it will, but I feel I need you in my life. Not on a ‘chase’ type need, but a more on a ‘you’re good for me and I’m good for you’ type thing. I feel that even though you are younger than I am, you have a different perspectives to offer, and a livelihood about you that I admire and can learn from. I feel I, in return can provide you with wisdom, experience, love and stability and whatever you need that I am capable of giving to you.
I am wise in the ‘adulting’ parts of life, very responsible and stable - but very novice in the way in which relationships develop and sustain. I have had it bad, as you know in that department. I don’t want to be hurt, let down, disappointed, used, or betrayed ever again - and I have been, at my own expense. We are where we are because of my own selfish immature, revengeful actions via a public platform.
To this day, I cannot and do not understand why or how things went from amazing to hell without a hand-basket between us. I was soooo happy and I thought you were too. But to be stood up in the way that I was by you, I was devastated. I was angry the first night, yet I waited 5 days to hear form you praying there was a reasonable explanation for your actions. Once I did not get the respect I felt I deserved, I turned to alcohol to relieve my stress, anger and my pain, which resulted in a humiliating display of emotion via Twitter that hurt us both. I know what I did may be unforgivable in your eyes, but look at it this way. I embarrassed myself wayyyy more than I could have embarrassed or pissed you off. I told the world I was stood up!! I showed the world that I allowed a guy to cause me act out of character so badly that it allowed me to disrespect him in public, when he only disrespected me in private. What you did to me was between us, not the entire social media platform which I aired you out on. I WAS DEAD WRONG, and very much regretful of my actions. I am unsure the women who read my posts and shared it to you were women you were currently involved with, if they were I apologize. However, it may have been to your benefit if they knew you stood me up knowing we had previously made plans to spend that day together. I am not always right but I feel what I did and said, was more detrimental to my reputation than could ever be to yours. None the less…. I am beyond apologetic.
At this point I was livid with the fact that you had done what you had done. I felt I had given you amble opportunity to reach out to me and help me understand what had gone awray. But you didn’t and these are my thoughts and the reason for my rant on Twitter.
“You don’t wanna try me, you better forfeit, keep fuckin’ with my vibes and I can assure you. It won’t end how you like. I ain’t that type. I’me giving you one-two-three to back the fuck off of me. Don’t front when you can’t back that shit up. It’s about time we wrap this shit up. So say something now, say something now”. Kiana Ledé ~ Forefeit
The writing of my words, my emotions, and my feelings, will most likely not ever change your opinion of me, nor change your mind about choosing to ever associate with me going forward, and I understand and respect your decision, whatever that may be.
You showed me many sides of you. I’ve been told that when you showed me who you were the first time, I should have walked away. I’ve been told you were never into me and had no intentions of going forward with any type of committed relationship with me. I’ve heard that you weren’t interested and I should have let you be, long ago. I saw more, you showed me more than just a young immature guy who was just out to have a ‘good time’. However you also showed me less. You blocked me every other day and every other week instead of expressing to me there was an issue or something you disliked that I was or was not doing. Some times, cause of my own words and actions but nine the less you never really communicated with me. Other times I assume cause you may have been occupied with other women you were more interested in. What the truth is I will never know because you have made it clear you will never speak to me again. Hell you wont even look at me or acknowledge my presence anymore.
When you stood me up, after asking me to plan a weekend, no contact, no I’m sorry, ON TOP OF changing your number: I should have gained some balls, listened to your silence and walked away because in those 5 days you showed me you had no interest whatsoever in me. But I didn’t. I went public, what you showed me in private. That was a mistake. That was my fault. You pursued me and I pushed you away from the get. I was afraid. I was nervous. I was not used to what you were showing me. Attentiveness. Compassion. Attention. And laughter. Things I have never experienced. Things I never knew I could have or someone would give to me.
I don’t understand why I STILL have so much to say. I don’t understand why I feel compelled to express myself in the way that I have and that I continue to do with you. But I do know I see so much in you that I want and have prayed for in a partner. I know there are things about you I don’t take much liking to. But I also know there are so many more things that draw me to you than deters me from you. I know I messed up, and I want to ask for a chance to explain myself and gain understanding both ends (yours and mine) but I feel that is no longer a possibility. As I am sure you’ve noticed it is in my nature is to try. I showed out, I know. I was deeply hurt, but its no excuse. I know! I acted immaturely and its not very becoming of any woman, especially one of my age. We never became exclusive. We were never in a relationship. So I know the things I did and said were beyond absurd, scary, and too much for someone I was never committed to/someone who never committed to me.
Should I have popped up? NO! Should I have mailed the box? To you NO, to me YES! I felt you needed to see all the time, effort and money I put into planning something special (something you asked me to plan). I spent more than I care to say, and its not even about the money. I’m not hurting in the sense of finances. Im hurting because you showed me something I wasn’t expecting because of the way the 2 weekends before that went so well. It was amazing and I truly cherished the time you spent with me. So you can only imagine the hurt and pain I felt when you up and disappeared with no contact at all. I gave you 5 days. I wasn’t upset and I just wanted to talk to you. I was initially worried about you and wanted to just talk. Finding out you changed your number. Wrote you tell you I wasn’t upset on Instagram and AGAIN, you blocked me and your disappearance cut even deeper. That’s when I got angry!
You don’t owe me shit, not even an explanation, but it would have been nice and much appreciated. Yet, I know you don’t owe me shit. I know that! You are a great guy, an amazing man. I know this! So I was stunned-baffled-confused as to why you did what you did. I wouldn’t do that to you..or anyone. Am I an emotional beast? Hell yea I am. But it is because I have an extremely large heart. I give so much to others and end up getting burned because I find out way too late, they were never in it with me because of ME! NOT with me for who I am, but to receive what I have to give. That can break a person down. Especially one like me with my depression and my other condition.
All I ever asked was for you to let me know up front that I was not what you wanted and you had chosen to walk away. The truth often hurts - LIKE HELL- but it speaks volumes to the character of a person who is willing to be honest, no matter the consequences. You won’t believe it, but I handle the truth far better than I can being ghosted, blocked, ignored etc. WHY? HOW? Because I can trust a person who is honest. I can respect and appreciate a person for being able to communicate the hard things with me. The unknown is what drives me wild and pushes me too far because I am searching for answers no one is willing to provide. It’s dumb yes. But that is the way my mind functions. Knowing you weren’t interested in me. Knowing you didn’t like me, and hearing it from your mouth, I would have had no choice but to believe you. You running away and not communicating with me made my mind race with endless scenarios and questions and assumptions that never allowed my mind to be put at ease. That is why I often tripped. But once we had that talk, I learned more about you and what I was doing that was pushing you away. What was causing you not to like me anymore.
None the less. Good communication or bad communication. Honesty or ghosting. I should have read the red flags you were sending me and walked away in silence instead of doing what I did in the end that ultimately caused you to end things between us indefinitely. I had stopped running behind you, blowing up your phone, and watching your social media and things were on the up n up so I thought.
From the beginning I was honest with you. I shared with you my issues to you and you bailed on me when you said you wouldn’t. I shared parts of me mentally, emotionally, and physically that I hadn’t ever shared with any other man before. I trusted you. I believed you when you said you’d be there for me and with me despite my shortcomings and my diagnosis. I had faith in our future. And I felt I may have finally gotten what I’ve been praying for for so long. And yet I FUCKED IT UP- acting on fear !I felt betrayed and lied to. I have never lied to you and I expected, when I shouldn’t have, the same honesty and respect in return.
I can in hindsight sincerely say that my actions do not correctly correlate with the person I am. I made terrible decisions and looking back I now know that. I cannot change the past, and I have no control over the future. The only things I have control over are my own words and actions, which I failed to have a grasp on previously. But as for now I have truly learned, recognized and owned all the ‘unattractive’ things that I said and did during our time trying to get to know one another. I wont ever make those same mistakes again because I now know better - so I am doing better. I may never ever have another opportunity with you, but I do not want to chance another guy being interested in building something amazing with me because I have pushed him away. I feel right now you are more interested in your social media, hanging with friends and partying/drinking, and less interested in developing a friendship with a woman that has the potential to become a loving relationship. I am more interested in growing, building and having fun with someone whom we can share life with together and make new memories - leaving the ‘gotta be in the streets mentality alone’. Good, bad, and ugly, I want someone who can be there for me, and me for him. We are clearly at different stages in our lives and that is okay. I guess I misunderstood where you are and what you wanted. Life is kinda funny in that way. It has a way of showing you what you want, need, and miss out on.
“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall together, so that better things can fall together.” Marilyn Monroe
I have this tattooed on my ribs because I whole heartedly believe every word it says and the volume and intent of the message. I related this to my last situationship and felt that that was my ‘good thing falling apart’, so that ‘my greater thing’, you and I could fall together.
I don’t have to keep telling you this but I feel compelled….you are AMAZING and I wanted to share things with you! I wanted to continue to give you parts of me I’ve never given to anyone else. I had A LOT of FIRSTS with you and I wanted to continue to have more. I genuinely cared for you and wanted the same in return from you. But its clear that is not what you want to give to me. I can’t make you like me or love me. I can’t force you to talk to me or forgive me. I can’t change the past and there seems to be no future. So I leave you with these lyrics that I can’t seem to get out of my head. I replay it over and over on iTunes Music and over and over in my head, all while remembering that big BEAUTIFUL smile plastered all over your face and you singing off tune as loudly as you could while singing these words to me……
“See my sun wont shine. Ain’t no stars at night. I swear, the sky ain’t blue. It’s raining, stormin’, gray without you. Ain’t no flame in the fire. It’s just empty inside. I’m sick by the very thought of spendin’ my days without you. Got me thinking bout I do. You got me thinkin’ thinkin’ To you I’ll always be true and I know you feel it too——————
SAY THAT YOU WANT ME, SAY THAT YOU NEED ME
SAY THAT YOU’LL HAVE ME JUST THE WAY THAT I AM
SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, PUT NO ONE ABOVE ME
SAY I’M YOUR WOMAN AND YOU ARE MY MAN’’
I won’t ever forget our time spent. I will always cherish it, especially the Iron Bowl party and our first movie dat to go see Queen and Slim, and you telling me I am mean and have my guard up like Queen. Well my guard is down now and it didn’t get me any further than when I had it up, was quite, shy, and not on the chase.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next. ~ Amen
