I Didn't Go Looking For You

I didn't go looking for you! You came looking for me. I didn't know if I was ready to start something new, something different....I didn't know if I was ready for you!

Turns out, in the beginning I wasn't ready. I should have waited until I was. I should have waited until Fairfield was gone. Trying to hold on to the old while trying to build something lasting with the new was clearly not what I needed to do. Storms came too early that neither of us could weather. Emotions and immaturity reared it's head and caused ruckus in the air. The calm came after the storm and I felt things were on a better healthier path. Little did I know a hurricane was brewing straight up ahead.

It Was All A Dream..... Or Was It?

Last night while lying peacefully in my warm comfy bed, I had a dream I was blogging. I didn't think anything strange about this dream because I have been blogging a lot the last few weeks. But this story about a dream takes a vivid, sharp turn deep into a valley of what appeared to be a subconscious effort to get answers to long awaiting unanswered questions.

Not sure if any of you have personally experienced sleep walking or witnessed another individual sleep walking in the wee hours of the morning or during the darkest hours of the night. I have witnessed an old friend do this a few years back and was blown away at the accuracy of normalcy she displayed subconsciously while preparing a sandwich from the ingredients she pulled from the fridge. She did this, all while conversing with someone that wasn't within her presence.

Can There Be Love After the Toxicity?

Can there be love after the toxicity? What do you think? Have you yourself been able to love and allow yourself to be loved after a toxic relationship, or has it made you too afraid to put yourself back out there again?  When we allow toxicity into our relationships and it becomes a routine behavior that we lean on as a crutch to break the fall of us crashing to the ground, we create bad habits.... we create our own hell. 

From my personal experiences, which may not be the same as yours, I have learned that breaking bad habits that I picked up from past relationships, are way harder to change after you are use to them. Even when you know those habits are not beneficial and most often detrimental not only to the other person, but most importantly detrimental to YOURSELF!

Friday Night Lights

Last night has to be one of the best nights of my life. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall recording the conversation so I would always have it and never forget it. From bouncing movie/TV series back and forth, what we have seen or not seen to what we want one another to check out. To discussing some of the most tramautic experiences of my life, Black Lives Matter, the protests etc., to he and I and what went wrong, to me and my lack of confidence, to relationship discussions, and how men like to chase.....TO HUNT.

I had four separate dreams last night about us and the future we can never have, but I am grateful that we have been able to build a friendship, one we both believe will last a lifetime.

The Truth Is......

The truth is, I've been hurt, by more than a few
The truth is, I've been broken, driven to the brink of depression
The truth is, sometimes I lose my cool, because I'm not heard when I keep cool
The truth is, you don't know my story, so who are you to judge

The truth is, I am kind and sweet
The truth is, I'm caring and giving
The truth is, I will and have given my all
The truth is, I've been hurt so much in almost numb to the pain
The truth is, even though I say I'm through with love, there's still so much in me to give
The true is, no matter how much you hurt me, I will still give you love and respect

You Heard

From all the Boys before you, you heard I was just temporary
From all the Boys before you, you heard I was just something to do
From all the Boys before you, you heard I was crazy
From all the Boys before you, you heard I  was a waste of time
From all the Boys before you, you heard all I did was fuss and argue

'We' Can't Breathe

We can't breathe with your guns in our faces
We can't breathe with your knees on our necks
We can't breathe when we are pulled over for fitting a description
We can't breathe when our backs are towards the walls
We can't breathe with our hands bound behind our backs
We can't breathe behind the bars of the jail house, caged up like animals
We can't breathe while walking down the street
We can't breathe while becoming entrepreneurs trying to feed our families
We can't breathe when our sons, brothers, husbands, friends; OUR KINGS, don't come home at night