Coming Home

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

Tears roll down my face as I physically and emotionally feel every. single. ounce. of. emotion..... from each character of the television show 'All American' on The CW Network. The lessons of patience, vulnerability, love, family, facing your past and admitting your wrongs, has brought an overwhelming sense of reality right to my doorstep. I am currently in a state of limbo, making more adjustments in my life, accepting on new things and welcoming new people into my life and this episode definitely hit home.

Episode(7) of season two is still tugging on my heartstrings. I feel someone somewhere is trying to get a message to me on the path in which I should follow now. I am not one who 'goes easily' or willingly makes changes in my life. It is usually a traumatic event that has occurred repetitiously over and over again that pushes me to make adjustments in my life. I am stubborn or a 'late bloomer' as my mother likes to refer to me as. I am learning as I get older, to not take so long in my transitions. I am pretty sure that I have prolonged a hell of a lot of blessings that would have come earlier in life had I been more obedient.


'Love' in Disguise

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

I gave my heart to the wrong one! I was seeking things I wanted and was blinded by what I didn't want to see. Looking back, I was so desperate for love that I did everything in attempt to gain it. Going above and beyond, giving more to him than I gave to myself, and I even went so far as to give wife privileges to a man (or lack there of) who couldn't even make me his 'Main' girl, let alone his actual girlfriend or wife!

Piece X Peace

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

After a long hiatus of not blogging and a lot of behind the scene reflection, I am back for another mental release. Over the last 14 months, I have gone through probably every emotion there is beyond the traditional 4 emotions/stages of grief everyone talks about. Through my time away from my blog I spent an immense time working on self. I am that girl... 'that emotional girl' that evaluates and reevaluates every little thing. I typically beat up on myself but this time I learned to love myself (for the 1st time eva). What doesn't break (kill) you, only makes you stronger!


Scratching the Surface

Friday, July 19, 2019

  1. facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject.
"Knowledge is power" is a controversial cliché used throughout the world. This quote, like many others, has been manipulated, changed and abused for the advantage of whomever is using it. When it is beneficial, individuals tend to change the meaning behind the positivity of the message. It's just like how rumors get started. Someone says something to another person, that person passes it along to the next, but whether intentionally or unintentionally, the words of the original individual get altered. Sometimes words are added, left out or simply misstated to the next and the next and the next, until finally it reaches a point where the message is no longer in its original state. 

Grandma's Hands

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

                  A family that prays together, stays together...... 
That's what the old adage says right? 

For some, family is very meaningful and taken very seriously while others gloat about being okay all by themselves because they trust no-one and 'family ain't never done nothing for me' (did I get that right). Well, for me my family is all I have ever had and all I have ever known. However the strength and connection of the relationships do differ, as a whole everyone has always been pretty supportive of one another. 

Stories told to me by others throughout the years, movies depicting family feuds on the screen, books painting pictures of family love verses family hate have all been a figment of imagination to me thus far because there has never been a huge blow that caused separation between my family. But this time it was like an earthquake--shattering lives and separating bonds.


No More Trauma, No More Drama

Thursday, May 30, 2019

From one extreme to another, driven by the desire to love and be loved. I drove myself in to a frenzy; dancing the same dance-round and round in circles; like living in Neverland-a never ending story.

I am not one to seek much attention from the universe-as I am somewhat timid and shy. Uncomfortable in the mist of unfamiliar territory and those individuals I do not know. Afraid of how others will view me, judge me and label me. I am different. Different in ways that so many people are unfamiliar with and afraid to even try to comprehend.

When in love, or heavy like, I tend to give that person all of me. Literally every drop, leaving myself with nothing. I've been down this road before; young and unaware of the consequences of an abusive relationship and landed myself in the chair of a therapist. Trying to sort out what went wrong and how to get through all the pain and feelings of worthlessness I was feeling. Yet fifteen years later I found myself back in the same scenario; different guy, deeper connection. And let me tell you, the aftermath of the fall out was the most traumatic event I have ever experienced in this short lifetime of mine....


Free to Fly!

Monday, April 22, 2019

On my journey to become a better version of myself, I have been searching and searching for what I feel is missing. On yesterday I attended Easter Sunday church service and was completely moved by the angelic voices of the devotional team, heartfelt utterings from the pastor and most importantly, I was undoubtedly touched by the spirit. As I sat on the pew on the church, I felt this powerful yet gentle wave of wind flow all around and and thru me. The aurora of God had fulfilled me. As I began to pray, the words flowed from my tongue like they have never done before.

"God take away my hurt, my, pain, and the regrets I have from the mistakes I have made. Take away my feelings of worthlessness and failure. Make me whole, give me peace, give me freedom. Show me how to love and be loved".



Friday, March 29, 2019

Being married is a dream I have had since I was a young girl. The older I got the more passionate I became about becoming a wife. Back in my college days, my friends and I would touch on the subject here and there, daydreaming of how we pictured our wedding day to be. I remember naively believing I would be married by the age of 25 and have all of my children (4 at the moment) by the time I turned 33. Now at the tender age of 35 in a half (yes I said and a half), I have become severely obsessed with the desire to be married and become Mrs. Anybody. 

Most of the guys I have dated for any extended period of time I dated with the intention of things growing serious and the possibility of marriage to be an option. Now, being that I did not want to scare any prospects away, I did not mention the idea of marriage at all to any of them. I was almost ashamed to verbalize the desire to date with the intention of marriage in fear men would tuck their tales and run. 

I Wish....

I wish you well
I wish you wealth
I wish you love
I wish you joy
I wish you happiness
I wish you growth and maturity with each day you grow older
I wish you peace
I wish you longevity
I wish you health
I wish you sunshine on your bleakest days
I wish for forgiveness to you and from you
I wish you all the things you could ask for and more
I wish you a happily forever after

I wish you well.....



Be good to yourself

Thursday, March 28, 2019

From the time I can remember - going even further to times I cannot remember (but others do), I have have severe difficulty handling relationships of all kinds. Then, I did not notice what was transpiring or how to address it. But as I have aged, I began to notice that something was very different about me and how I deal with my emotions and how I interact with others.


Heavy Load: Reflections of Others Laid Upon Me

Monday, February 25, 2019
My heart aches. No one understands, yet everyone tries to give me advice or tell me what to do. I am either looked at as crazy or one seeking pity. I have a new found anger inside of me and the flames are surging higher each and every day. I am lost and confused. I do not not know what to do, who to be, or whom to listen to. Tears well up in my eyes but they never fall. People close to me turn their backs. I feel as though I lose someone everyday not in death, but in burnt bridges. There's a difference between us holding on by a ragged thread; wanting to break free but not strong enough to break the tie. My heart yearns to be loved so much that I have sacrificed myself, my soul, my entire being-to be who someone else needed me to be for them. And I still failed; I still missed the mark.  The pain I feel is unbearable. I can hardly make it though the day. I've tried it my way, I've tried it theirs. But no matter which way I turn I end up back in the same place. I end up where I started.

The decisions I make are sometimes of poor judgment because I am either basing it off of what others think I should do or out of the anger and pain I feel in the moment. I am not proud to say this but it's true. Everything in my life right now makes me feel so blue. All I want is to start anew. I fear if I do not have that chance to start again, my life may soon come to an end. The pain is real. They think I'm a fraud and my hurt is all a ploy for attention. They think I am making nothing into a big ordeal. I want to be around to always protect my daughter to love her; to be there for her in ways I feel no one has been there for me. 

This decision plagues me and I am driving myself insane with all of these hard decisions I need to make. The constant chatter going on in my head from myself and others telling me what to do has become completely unbearable and entirely too much to deal with. I am on overload and I do not know how to move forward in peace. I can barely maintain a conversation or a positive thought. Work is burning me out and and everyone around me is vanishing fast.

Am I sicker than I imagine myself to be? I am a good person, but am I really if no one else is able to see that side of me?  What the f@%* am I doing in this world floating by day to day. In a daze, a whirlwind, a maze. No one cares for me but I care for everyone. What am I missing. What am I doing wrong. I don't ask for much, just to be happy, healthy and in love with a beautiful family, great career and financially able to give my family not only what they need, but also what they want. Am I dreaming? Is this impossible to achieve? Are my dreams only a nightmare? This is too much, I can hardly breathe.........

You may not get it or care to understand. But don't call me names because you have no empathy. Don't shame me for how I feel especially if you've never been in this place before. My journey is not yours and yours is not mine. But if you feel I have been wasting your time, then I am certain you've also wasted some of mine. If you cannot accept me for who I am flaws and all, turn-walk away and let me be. Don't contribute to my downfall. It's hard enough with the cards I've been dealt, the genes I inherited and the depression sometimes looms over me. I have too much on my plate that I cannot bare. Don't judge me either, it's not your. place. All of you in some way have helped put me in this place - with your demeaning comments, calling me names, misleading and mistreating, broken promises, miscommunication and all the lies. I didn't get here all on my own. I trusted you and had faith in our friendship. I internalized and became all the negative things you said about me. I am who you say I am even though I am not. Confusing right. Yes, I know. I feel that way too. Sometimes I think I am a basket case, crazy, scary in a sense of I make others afraid of what I may do, immature, selfish, the devil, fake...... I could go on and on with the names I've been called. But when I am feeling better I refute these things cause I know I am kind, hard working, loyal, will help anyone, caring, educated, financially stable, compassionate, will sacrifice for others, will compromise, and so so many more good things. But when you are the only one that sees the good in yourself, it makes you .... wellAt least me, second guess that belief when all you hear is the negative things from those you thought were your friends and often family; those you thought cared the most. 

The weight of the world is on top of me and right now, I just can't breathe.....


Reflections Of My Heart

Friday, January 11, 2019

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Feelings of regret, disappointment, pain and sorrow as I reflect on the actions and decisions I have made early on this week. I am NOT proud of what I have done and the discord I have created in my life and the lives of two people I care deeply about. I am reminding myself that sometimes saying nothing at all is better than the aftermath of speaking up and speaking out. Having to justify or convince others that you are in a different space, have grown and no longer act/say inappropriate things is unnecessary. When you try tis , too often your 'justification tactics' are often the very same actions you have put behind you and trying to convince someone else of these changes only leaves open space for you to repeat the same vicious cycle and negative behaviors. As long as YOU know the changes you have made, you do not have to justify ANYTHING to ANYONE!  Let them think whatever they want to think. 

You don't owe them a thing!

I am not perfect, and I am not trying to be. I am human and I will make mistakes. However I am on the path to better myself so that I do not continue to repeat the SAME mistakes over and over. The past 5 months of my life have been PURE HELL to say the least (well two of the last 5). I have had moments of complete darkness (including thoughts of suicide) and times of joy  (about my future and what God has in store for me). Yet despite the positive changes and progress I have been making, I still managed to fail at controlling my emotions. I am heavily paying for it in my thoughts today.

When I say I have made significant progress, I mean it. I have come so far. I wont go into too much detail as I feel I have explained in previous posts, but when I can go from thinking about him every second of my day-being so sad I can barely concentrate on anything-constantly checking my phone for a text and often 'imagining' I hear his text tone and I have no message at all; to getting through a day--several days without thinking of him every moment of the day (some days not at all), not worrying about  when he will call/text, and even when he did reach out, having the ability and restraint NOT TO REPLY because I simply didn't want or need to, is a HUGGGGGE success for me.  Those days the last 3 months that we have still been in communication, when he tried his best to start an argument, discredit me, or treat/talk to me like shit, I didn't let him get to me. I handled myself as a mature adult who could withstand someone not agreeing with me and me not having to justify anything. I was able to engage in conversation and even see him without acting out, getting smart, being defensive etc. I even often told him, 'hey. I am not gonna argue with you about anything' and I either stop talking until he is ready to be sensible, or I change the topic to something light and try to make him laugh. These are only two examples of how my hard work to change my life around and to rediscovering who I was before I got so entrapped in his world trying to be who he wanted instead of being myself. I lost me when I was with him and I am desperately fighting to get her back (with or without him) in my life.

To those I disrespected in my poor decision to 'correct an assumption made about me', I am deeply and sincerely apologetic for my immature lack of restraint and concern for your feelings. It is definitely hard to be able to trust me when I behave this way and even harder to believe I have made significant changes to my behavior for the better. As much as I hate to admit this, it is in some ways true. I am in some ways exactly who you say I am; immature, crazy, and unpredictable (when I feel attacked, I am still working on that, but I have gotten way better). I have been able to step back and evaluate the entire relationship and realize that you not only bring out the best in me, you also bring out the WORST.  And because you bring out the worst in me, I sometimes make ill-advised decisions that I very quickly regret because of my hurt, pain and anger towards something you have said or done towards me. This may sound like an excuse to most, but I assure you it is not. It is just me taking time to sit back and evaluate myself, this relationship and the person I was involved in the relationship with. 

Although I know that I have some amazing qualities about myself, I often find it hard to 'believe' they are true because in this relationship I have been told the opposite for almost 5 years. After repeatedly being called malicious names it decreased what little confidence I had in myself at one time, coupled with the poor decisions I made when I was drunk or hurt, I tend to doubt how good of a person I truly am. All of this combined, I am extremely hard on myself, hence this post and all of the mixed emotions you are reading. 

What I did earlier this week has most likely destroyed any possible chance to have a normal friendship with 'him'. And for that I am terribly regretful. What I did was wrong and unimaginable. And I have no real explanation for why I said what I said. I have no excuses to give only remorse. I cannot change the past I can only continue to work on the person I wish to be and have complete control of my emotions (even when provoked).

I got all caught up in how much strength and restraint I had made (I was proud of myself) and was hurt and disappointed that he refused to see (or at least admit to me) the positive changes in me (and it upset me) that I allowed old habits rear their ugly head. 

There is no way one person should have this much control of me or anyone. All I do I try to be pleasing to him and when he ignores/refuses to admit to me the changes I've made, I am completely distraught. I feel I have yet again been a failure so I lash out and and give him what he wants, who he thinks I am: CRAZY! The complete opposite of what I am trying to convey. The complete opposite of who I am and have been all along! It's a sickening cycle that I am ready to release. 

Time for me to let go of the uncertainty and doubt I hold onto because of what 'he' has said about me and time to embrace what I KNOW to be true about who I am and who I am becoming!

I am beautiful. I am strong. I am resilient. I am a fighter. I believe in myself. 
I am fearfully and wonderfully made!


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