Everyday is Something New

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

All the time I have had to myself, thinking of and missing you, each and every day I find something new that I love(d) about you. 

I appreciate your needs and desires for privacy more now than before. Telling your business to others only complicates the situation; causes the person you tell private things to to draw conclusions about the person you are with and may cause you to doubt yourself and decisions you choose to make with that person....at least for me. And none of that is their business anyways. What you have with a person should be between you and that person only. I know you have your own reasons but I get it now. I know w not everyone needs to know about the intimate details of your friendships/relationships. It's just not for them to know. 

' Your relationship/friendship ain't everyone else's business'.
I have learned that most of my friends have a different definition of friendship and not all of the ones I call my friends are not really my friends. I should also keep business- business and remove all personal conversations out of my business relationships. The more I travel on this journey to ind myself the more I am learning about relationships and about myself.

I have had so much time on my hands that I do not know what to do with 90% of it. I was so engulfed in you that I failed to see me for me. I was so busy trying to please you (which I completely failed at) that I got lost in the mix of things. I began to communicate less and less with other people and sat around waiting for a call or text from you. I had a few good months without being depressed that I failed to remember depression is something that I struggle heavily with at times. I forgot to take care of myself because I was trying to take of you and in the end is one of the factors that pushed you away. 

"You're doing too much. You're not my girl"....

I have an obsessive compulsion of ranting over texts because I get into an emotional stress overload. Therapy has brought up questions that make me think about why I do this. And the answer was not clear at first but when I began talking - I kind of answered the question without even knowing it. 

One being - I have this 'fear of abandonment ' and I have no clue where it stems from. Fear is something I am now learning to remove from my vocabulary and mindset because in the Bible it talks about  not having fear. FEAR IS BAD! 

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Fear will cause you to do things you are not proud of or really want to do because you are afraid.I am learning to not be afraid, but to have faith that no matter what God will guide me and lead me in the right direction. There is no need to go over the things I have said or done due to the fear of losing you, and no need to apologize again either. 

The best apology is not an "I apologize' or an 'I'm sorry--
 It is changed behavior.

Therefore I am changing my behavior. It is not easy and it is not going to happen quickly, but I am determined not to make the same mistakes of my past. I am determined to not let the past define who I am but I am going to do my best to rectify the wrongdoing I have done in my past, given the opportunity. 

It is not everyday you meet a man who you can say 'he's the one for me'. It's not everyday that once you meet a man you can say that he actually lives up to the thoughts in your head; the qualities you've been looking for. So you can never imagine how difficult it is 
to live with the fact that 'you' (I) singlehandedly ruined the friendship you had with that man. 

Moving on isn't easy but it is necessary. Forgetting the past won't ever happen, but it can  be made bearable. The what-ifs won't cease but they will subside. 

Getting to know myself isn't easy either. There are things about myself that I am not fond of and want to desperately improve upon but I am lost at where to begin. So first I must pray for forgiveness for myself so that I am no longer hard on myself and am able to push forward knowing I am putting in every bit of effort to improve the things about myself that make me who I am . I am kind, loving, caring and willing to help others. I am intelligent and creative. I am learning to he honest and truthful in everything that I do and say. 

My therapist asked me what went wrong? What changed? I didn't have an answer until I sat back quietly for a moment-then began to speak. 
" I went through a rough patch being depressed and thats when life went to the shits. I don't remember why I became depressed but I did. I began acting out, lashing out verbally to the ones I loved and needed the most. I was angry with myself for not being perfect and couldn't find anything good about myself. I tried to read others minds and tell them what and how I felt they were feeling. I talked down to you and treated you as though you were less than a man. All I wanted was attention and I did not know how to get it the right way, so I dug deep and was hurtful to you and to others. I did not know how to handle the emotions that I was feeling so I hid behind my SMS. The things I said to you and to others vis SMS I would not and did not say in person. It's like I am a different person via text than I am in person or via phone, and even online (blogging). 

I want to laugh again, travel again, LIVE again. I am putting the pieces of me back together--in the right places so I can be whole again. I want to feel peace of mind and joy in my heart. Those things I miss dearly and am continually working so hard to re-obtain. Building a better relationship with God and with myself will help me be all that he has ever wanted me to be and more than I could have ever imagined to be. 

It is my time to shine bright-no regrets-no hard feelings-no more broken hearts. 

I have let so many people down with my past actions and it hurts me so. I was broken and didn't have to proper tools to put myself back together. I am not completely where I want to be yet, but I have made strides and progress. I am willing to put in the work and I will finish this journey stronger and more mature than ever before (hopefully someone my daughter will be able to look up to).  My journey has just begun so I am far from perfect, but I am one step closer to being a better me. A me I can be proud of. A me others will be able to love and respect. A me who doesn't use the excuse 'hurt people, hurt people' anymore. A me that learns from the past mistakes and no longer repeats them. 

You and I may very well never have another change or opportunity to start over, but I pray that we will. I pray that you will forgive me as I have forgiven you. I pray one day this opportunity will arise again and I will be ready. But even if it does not, I have faith I will be a better person because of  what I have been though. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else again. I want to live up to being that loving, happy, kind, giving  person I say that I amend want to be.  I don't want to leave this earth knowing I have not made a difference in someones life. I want to be a light and a helpful hand to those that I meet. 

 You never know how strong you are, until strong is only choice you have!

Love is.....

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13:4-8



Happy Birthday to Me

Monday, October 1, 2018
Hello, October!! It is the FIRST of the month and the best day of the year....at least in my eyes. Thirty-five years ago today at 2:33 am- a tiny 5lb15oz baby girl was born; unknowing of what was to come of the path in which she may take in life. God had a HUGE plan for this sweet little lamb from the moment she was conceived. Life has definitely not been all roses and sunshine, but it also has not been shit and sandstorms.

The path that I have driven thus far, I can say has been one that I have have attempted to be in control of(often failing instead of suceeding), and not marched to the beat of anyone or anything but myself and what I wanted for myself. Now - don't follow my footsteps and by no means think you can tackle life all on your own. Never internalized the true meaning of it 'takes a village to raise a child  (and in my case, an adult) until I demanded to draw my own line in the sand and march to my own beat. But knowing what I know now, I know that even as an adult, you need people in your corner, by your side, and people who will call you out, tell you when you are wrong and put you in your place. I have been on this journey (for 5 years) to reclaim my life, making baby-step changes day by day to live the way the good Lord intended me to. And let me tell you, I have NOT gotten this far alone. 

'It Takes a Village (a strong village) to Raise a Child'

Today started out great, had a few bumps along the way, but it ended up being an okay day overall. I woke up to a text at 6:03 am from the 1 person I wanted to hear from the most, but  doubted I would.....'Fairfield' was the first happy birthday message I received today. It was a heartwarming surprise, and a sigh of relief. He didn't forget  about me and he didn't allow our toxic past to deter him from sending me birthday wishes. I was blown away and it made my day-at first. Then, hours later I got in my own head-got greedy and asked for more than I should have. I began the inevitable rants, questions asking if he would grant me one last wish; a birthday wish, to see him one last time (one last movie date). When I was hit with the 'I can't today, and idk if I can in the future' I was devastated. But what was different about today was I did not allow his response to COMPLETELY dictate how the remainder of my day would play out. I left him be and I let me be. I did respond emotionally a couple of times, but then I let it all go. I didn't want to be depressed on this special day.

 So let's cut to the chase....today marks MY 35TH DAY OF LIFE and what I am hoping will be the beginning of a new chapter. It is time to let go of the life I have lived/given away to the man I have loved for the last 4 years. I have my struggles and I have my ways, but today I will do more than I have in the past to change my future and not repeat my past. From this day forward, I choose to challenge myself to try new ideas, new methods, and new techniques to encourage, motivate and push me beyond limits I have allowed myself to tackle before. I am ready for change. With Brooks in my corner,  Daily Doses of Khandi in my medicine cabinet and the small host of my  'Conquer team' in place, I know I will climb mountains, cross moe-hills a swim across oceans to come out on the other side without losing my shit and falling apart. 

Soooo enough about him, I ran to the store, called up my BFF and caught up on the latest event in each of our lives. I did not make BIG plans to go out get wasted or get buck wild.  We swapped stories, laughed, shared the not so perfect, and kept it 100% real- as we always do with each other.  I then went and picked up my forever talking, never a breath between words 5 year old and headed home.

'Best friends are people who make your problems, their problems so you don't have to go thru them alone'

On my way home,I got a call from my aunt and she was shocked that I had no plans for my 35th and told me she was gonna grab my two favs-pizza and wine. So we all met at her house around 7 and celebrated my birthday.It was nice to bethought about and celebrated. It was nice to feel loved, especially at such n emotional time in my life. Not to mention I received more calls, texts, and Facebook posts that I have in years. I truly felt loved and not alone today. Its only been a little over 2 months since he decided he no longer wanted us to be friends on the level in which we had been the last several years. All in all -  I couldn't (well I could-but I won't) have asked for a better birthday. 

Thank you to all those who made my day a lot more special than I anticipated. 


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