Reflections Of My Heart

Friday, January 11, 2019

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Feelings of regret, disappointment, pain and sorrow as I reflect on the actions and decisions I have made early on this week. I am NOT proud of what I have done and the discord I have created in my life and the lives of two people I care deeply about. I am reminding myself that sometimes saying nothing at all is better than the aftermath of speaking up and speaking out. Having to justify or convince others that you are in a different space, have grown and no longer act/say inappropriate things is unnecessary. When you try tis , too often your 'justification tactics' are often the very same actions you have put behind you and trying to convince someone else of these changes only leaves open space for you to repeat the same vicious cycle and negative behaviors. As long as YOU know the changes you have made, you do not have to justify ANYTHING to ANYONE!  Let them think whatever they want to think. 

You don't owe them a thing!

I am not perfect, and I am not trying to be. I am human and I will make mistakes. However I am on the path to better myself so that I do not continue to repeat the SAME mistakes over and over. The past 5 months of my life have been PURE HELL to say the least (well two of the last 5). I have had moments of complete darkness (including thoughts of suicide) and times of joy  (about my future and what God has in store for me). Yet despite the positive changes and progress I have been making, I still managed to fail at controlling my emotions. I am heavily paying for it in my thoughts today.

When I say I have made significant progress, I mean it. I have come so far. I wont go into too much detail as I feel I have explained in previous posts, but when I can go from thinking about him every second of my day-being so sad I can barely concentrate on anything-constantly checking my phone for a text and often 'imagining' I hear his text tone and I have no message at all; to getting through a day--several days without thinking of him every moment of the day (some days not at all), not worrying about  when he will call/text, and even when he did reach out, having the ability and restraint NOT TO REPLY because I simply didn't want or need to, is a HUGGGGGE success for me.  Those days the last 3 months that we have still been in communication, when he tried his best to start an argument, discredit me, or treat/talk to me like shit, I didn't let him get to me. I handled myself as a mature adult who could withstand someone not agreeing with me and me not having to justify anything. I was able to engage in conversation and even see him without acting out, getting smart, being defensive etc. I even often told him, 'hey. I am not gonna argue with you about anything' and I either stop talking until he is ready to be sensible, or I change the topic to something light and try to make him laugh. These are only two examples of how my hard work to change my life around and to rediscovering who I was before I got so entrapped in his world trying to be who he wanted instead of being myself. I lost me when I was with him and I am desperately fighting to get her back (with or without him) in my life.

To those I disrespected in my poor decision to 'correct an assumption made about me', I am deeply and sincerely apologetic for my immature lack of restraint and concern for your feelings. It is definitely hard to be able to trust me when I behave this way and even harder to believe I have made significant changes to my behavior for the better. As much as I hate to admit this, it is in some ways true. I am in some ways exactly who you say I am; immature, crazy, and unpredictable (when I feel attacked, I am still working on that, but I have gotten way better). I have been able to step back and evaluate the entire relationship and realize that you not only bring out the best in me, you also bring out the WORST.  And because you bring out the worst in me, I sometimes make ill-advised decisions that I very quickly regret because of my hurt, pain and anger towards something you have said or done towards me. This may sound like an excuse to most, but I assure you it is not. It is just me taking time to sit back and evaluate myself, this relationship and the person I was involved in the relationship with. 

Although I know that I have some amazing qualities about myself, I often find it hard to 'believe' they are true because in this relationship I have been told the opposite for almost 5 years. After repeatedly being called malicious names it decreased what little confidence I had in myself at one time, coupled with the poor decisions I made when I was drunk or hurt, I tend to doubt how good of a person I truly am. All of this combined, I am extremely hard on myself, hence this post and all of the mixed emotions you are reading. 

What I did earlier this week has most likely destroyed any possible chance to have a normal friendship with 'him'. And for that I am terribly regretful. What I did was wrong and unimaginable. And I have no real explanation for why I said what I said. I have no excuses to give only remorse. I cannot change the past I can only continue to work on the person I wish to be and have complete control of my emotions (even when provoked).

I got all caught up in how much strength and restraint I had made (I was proud of myself) and was hurt and disappointed that he refused to see (or at least admit to me) the positive changes in me (and it upset me) that I allowed old habits rear their ugly head. 

There is no way one person should have this much control of me or anyone. All I do I try to be pleasing to him and when he ignores/refuses to admit to me the changes I've made, I am completely distraught. I feel I have yet again been a failure so I lash out and and give him what he wants, who he thinks I am: CRAZY! The complete opposite of what I am trying to convey. The complete opposite of who I am and have been all along! It's a sickening cycle that I am ready to release. 

Time for me to let go of the uncertainty and doubt I hold onto because of what 'he' has said about me and time to embrace what I KNOW to be true about who I am and who I am becoming!

I am beautiful. I am strong. I am resilient. I am a fighter. I believe in myself. 
I am fearfully and wonderfully made!


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