Dear, Bama Boy

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

James Antonio,

I’ve waited some time in an attempt to allow things to calm down and settle a little bit. But I have some things, some feelings and thoughts I want to share with you. I know You most likely still don’t wanna hear from me, I get it. I say and do too much I know. But despite being an ‘emo’ my hope is that you read this, and do as you wish with my words, feelings, and emotions. I will try not to repeat things I have said in the past, as I have had more time to reflect and relay my words more articulately and say what I really want to say to you, verses  miscommunication things in the heat of the moment(s).

I have been wrong on several occasions and in so many situations. I can admit that. I have done and said some very unconventional shit. That is my defense mechanism to protect myself from heartbreak again and again (clearly it doesn’t work). I will not make any excuses for what I have done nor will I ask nor beg for your forgiveness, but I do pray that one day (hopefully sooner than later) you find it in your heart to forgive me and are able to speak cordially to me, possibly have a friendship.

With that being said, I still care. ‘I told you how you hurt me baby, but you don’t care, now I’m crying and deserted baby, but you don’t care. You’re immune to all my pain you don’t care well thats ok, well I care. I know you don’t care too much, but I still care! Ever since you knew your power, you made me cry. And now every time this thing goes sour, you won’t sympathize.  I try to tell you all my fears, you still don’t care but thats okay. I still care.  ~ Beyonce. 

I have made terrible mistakes with you from day 1 but it was because I was terrified. I was scared. I was unaware that any guy could like me the way I felt that you did….that you could. Because of how I had been treated in the past, I began to believe I didn’t deserve the kindness, care, compassion and attention you were giving to me.

As I was catching up on Insecure, Season 4 episode 4 I felt it when Molly told Andrew that she never had a relationship (dating) that she had to change her ways and schedule for. I felt that. She told him that she pushed him too much too fast about having better communication with her, him letting her in and him sharing his life’s ups and downs with her. She expressed that she new she was doing too much and rushing the progression of their friendship/relationship and was apologetic for it. I felt that too. 

I am in no way perfect, in no way ready for a relationship; even at my age because of what I have been though in previous relationships. But I knew that you were different. I knew you were special, and I had no clue how to go about making you feel like a man, making you feel secure, or how to sit back and chill. I am 6 years older than you and somewhere in my delusional mind, feel my time is running slim on finding and keeping love. So I unintentionally self-sabotaged what what we could have potentially had together. Like the conversation between Andrew said to Molly, he mentioned the fact that she did too much, and that she makes the small things much bigger than what they actually are…. I often do that when I am afraid.

I am a go-getter ‘sometimes’. Usually it is at times when I should fall back, in all aspects of life-not just my relationships with guys. And I have to admit it is a terrible quality that I possess. But it is ME!  I go hard for my family, my friends, and the man that I love/care about. I love hard, I some times fall fast, and once I do it is difficult for me to let go, because I hold onto hope. I hold on to possibilities and I come down on myself hard for the role I play in the demise of what I truly want and NEED!

May seem silly or straight up crazy to you, as I imagine it will, but I feel I need you in my life. Not on a ‘chase’ type need, but a more on a ‘you’re good for me and I’m good for you’ type thing. I feel that even though you are younger than I am, you have a different perspectives to offer, and a livelihood about you that I admire and can learn from. I feel I, in return can provide you with wisdom, experience, love and stability and whatever you need that I am capable of giving to you. 

I am wise in the ‘adulting’ parts of life, very responsible and stable - but very novice in the way in which relationships develop and sustain. I have had it bad, as you know in that department. I don’t want to be hurt, let down, disappointed,  used, or betrayed ever again - and I have been, at my own expense. We are where we are because of my own selfish immature, revengeful actions via a public platform. 

To this day, I cannot and do not understand why or how things went from amazing to hell without a hand-basket between us. I was soooo happy and I thought you were too. But to be stood up in the way that I was by you, I was devastated. I was angry the first night, yet I waited 5 days to hear form you praying there was a reasonable explanation for your actions. Once I did not get the respect I felt I deserved, I turned to alcohol to relieve my stress, anger and my pain, which resulted in a humiliating display of emotion via Twitter that hurt us both. I know what I did may be unforgivable in your eyes, but look at it this way. I embarrassed myself wayyyy more than I could have embarrassed or pissed you off. I told the world I was stood up!! I showed the world that I allowed a guy to cause me act out of character so badly that it allowed me to disrespect him in public, when he only disrespected me in private. What you did to me was between us, not the entire social media platform which I aired you out on. I WAS DEAD WRONG, and very much regretful of my actions. I am unsure the women who read my posts and shared it to you were women you were currently involved with, if they were I apologize. However, it may have been to your benefit if they knew you stood me up knowing we had previously made plans to spend that day together. I am not always right but I feel what I did and said, was more detrimental to my reputation than could ever be to yours. None the less…. I am beyond apologetic. 

At this point I was livid with the fact that you had done what you had done. I felt I had given you amble opportunity to reach out to me and help me understand what had gone awray. But you didn’t and these are my thoughts and the reason for my rant on Twitter.

“You don’t wanna try me, you better forfeit, keep fuckin’ with my vibes and I can assure you. It won’t end how you like. I ain’t that type. I’me giving you one-two-three to back the fuck off of me. Don’t front when you can’t back that shit up. It’s about time we wrap this shit up. So say something now, say something now”.  Kiana Ledé ~ Forefeit

The writing of my words, my emotions, and my feelings, will most likely not ever change your opinion of me, nor change your mind about choosing to ever associate with me going forward, and I understand and respect your decision, whatever that may be. 

You showed me many sides of you. I’ve been told that when you showed me who you were the first time, I should have walked away. I’ve been told you were never into me and had no intentions of going forward with any type of committed relationship with me. I’ve heard that you weren’t interested and I should have let you be, long ago. I saw more, you showed me more than just a young immature guy who was just out to have a ‘good time’. However you also showed me less. You blocked me every other day and every other week instead of expressing to me there was an issue or something you disliked that I was or was not doing. Some times, cause of my own words and actions but nine the less you never really communicated with me. Other times I assume cause you may have been occupied with other women you were more interested in. What the truth is I will never know because you have made it clear you will never speak to me again. Hell you wont even look at me or acknowledge my presence anymore.

When you stood me up, after asking me to plan a weekend, no contact, no I’m sorry, ON TOP OF changing your number: I should have gained some balls, listened to your silence and walked away because in those 5 days you showed me you had no interest whatsoever in me. But I didn’t. I went public, what you showed me in private. That was a mistake. That was my fault. You pursued me and I pushed you away from the get. I was afraid. I was nervous. I was not used to what you were showing me. Attentiveness. Compassion. Attention. And laughter. Things I have never experienced. Things I never knew I could have or someone would give to me. 

I don’t understand why I STILL have so much to say. I don’t understand why I feel compelled to express myself in the way that I have and that I continue to do with you. But I do know I see so much in you that I want and have prayed for in a partner. I know there are things about you I don’t take much liking to. But I also know there are so many more things that draw me to you than deters me from you. I know I messed up, and I want to ask for a chance to explain myself and gain understanding both ends (yours and mine) but I feel that is no longer a possibility. As I am sure you’ve noticed it is in my nature is to try. I showed out, I know. I was deeply hurt, but its no excuse. I know! I acted immaturely and its not very becoming of any woman, especially one of my age. We never became exclusive. We were never in a relationship. So I know the things I did and said were beyond absurd, scary, and too much for someone I was never committed to/someone who never committed to me.

Should I have popped up? NO! Should I have mailed the box? To you NO, to me YES! I felt you needed to see all the time, effort and money I put into planning something special (something you asked me to plan). I spent more than I care to say, and its not even about the money. I’m not hurting in the sense of finances. Im hurting because you showed me something I wasn’t expecting because of the way the 2 weekends before that went so well. It was amazing and I truly cherished the time you spent with me. So you can only imagine the hurt and pain I felt when you up and disappeared with no contact at all. I gave you 5 days. I wasn’t upset and I just wanted to talk to you. I was initially worried about you and wanted to just talk. Finding out you changed your number. Wrote you tell you I wasn’t upset on Instagram and AGAIN, you blocked me and your disappearance cut even deeper. That’s when I got angry!

You don’t owe me shit, not even an explanation, but it would have been nice and much appreciated. Yet, I know you don’t owe me shit. I know that! You are a great guy, an amazing man. I know this! So I was stunned-baffled-confused as to why you did what you did. I wouldn’t do that to you..or anyone. Am I an emotional beast? Hell yea I am. But it is because I have an extremely large heart. I give so much to others and end up getting burned because I find out way too late, they were never in it with me because of ME! NOT with me for who I am, but to receive what I have to give. That can break a person down. Especially one like me with my depression and my other condition. 

All I ever asked was for you to let me know up front that I was not what you wanted and you had chosen to walk away. The truth often hurts - LIKE HELL- but it speaks volumes to the character of a person who is willing to be honest, no matter the consequences. You won’t believe it, but I handle the truth far better than I can being ghosted, blocked, ignored etc. WHY? HOW? Because I can trust a person who is honest. I can respect and appreciate a person for being able to communicate the hard things with me. The unknown is what drives me wild and pushes me too far because I am searching for answers no one is willing to provide. It’s dumb yes. But that is the way my mind functions. Knowing you weren’t interested in me. Knowing you didn’t like me, and hearing it from your mouth, I would have had no choice but to believe you. You running away and not communicating with me made my mind race with endless scenarios and questions and assumptions that never allowed my mind to be put at ease. That is why I often tripped. But once we had that talk, I learned more about you and what I was doing that was pushing you away. What was causing you not to like me anymore.

None the less. Good communication or bad communication. Honesty or ghosting. I should have read the red flags you were sending me and walked away in silence instead of doing what I did in the end that ultimately caused you to end things between us indefinitely. I had stopped running behind you, blowing up your phone, and watching your social media and things were on the up n up so I thought.

From the beginning I was honest with you. I shared with you my issues to you and you bailed on me when you said you wouldn’t. I shared parts of me mentally, emotionally, and physically that I hadn’t ever shared with any other man before. I trusted you. I believed you when you said you’d be there for me and with me despite my shortcomings and my diagnosis. I had faith in our future. And I felt I may have finally gotten what I’ve been praying for for so long. And yet I FUCKED IT UP- acting on fear !I felt betrayed and lied to. I have never lied to you and I expected, when I shouldn’t have, the same honesty and respect in return. 

I can in hindsight sincerely say that my actions do not correctly correlate with the person I am. I made terrible decisions and looking back I now know that. I cannot change the past, and I have no control over the future. The only things I have control over are my own words and actions, which I failed to have a grasp on previously. But as for now I have truly learned, recognized and owned all the ‘unattractive’ things that I said and did during our time trying to get to know one another. I wont ever make those same mistakes again because I now know better - so I am doing better. I may never ever have another opportunity with you, but I do not want to chance another guy being interested in building something amazing with me because I have pushed him away. I feel right now you are more interested in your social media, hanging with friends and partying/drinking, and less interested in developing a friendship with a woman that has the potential to become a loving relationship. I am more interested in growing, building and having fun with someone whom we can share life with together and make new memories - leaving the ‘gotta be in the streets mentality alone’. Good, bad, and ugly, I want someone who can be there for me, and me for him. We are clearly at different stages in our lives and that is okay. I guess I misunderstood where you are and what you wanted. Life is kinda funny in that way. It has a way of showing you what you want, need, and miss out on. 

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall together, so that better things can fall together.” Marilyn Monroe

I have this tattooed on my ribs because I whole heartedly believe every word it says and the volume and intent of the message. I related this to my last situationship and felt that that was my ‘good thing falling apart’, so that ‘my greater thing’, you and I could fall together. 

I don’t have to keep telling you this but I feel compelled….you are AMAZING and I wanted to share things with you! I wanted to continue to give you parts of me I’ve never given to anyone else. I had A LOT of FIRSTS with you and I wanted to continue to have more. I genuinely cared for you and wanted the same in return from you. But its clear that is not what you want to give to me. I can’t make you like me or love me. I can’t force you to talk to me or forgive me. I can’t change the past and there seems to be no future. So I leave you with these lyrics that I can’t seem to get out of my head. I replay it over and over on iTunes Music and over and over in my head, all while remembering that big BEAUTIFUL smile plastered all over your face and you singing off tune as loudly as you could while singing these words to me……

“See my sun wont shine. Ain’t no stars at night. I swear, the sky ain’t blue. It’s raining, stormin’, gray without you. Ain’t no flame in the fire. It’s just empty inside. I’m sick by the very thought of spendin’ my days without you. Got me thinking bout I do. You got me thinkin’ thinkin’ To you I’ll always be true and I know you feel it too——————





I won’t ever forget our time spent. I will always cherish it, especially the Iron Bowl party and our first movie dat to go see Queen and Slim, and you telling me I am mean and have my guard up like Queen. Well my guard is down now and it didn’t get me any further than when I had it up, was quite, shy, and not on the chase. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next. ~ Amen


I Do Not Know

Friday, July 17, 2020

Here we... well I go again! Spinning outta control, no where to turn, drowning in a sea of emotions, gasping for air, no life saver in sight.

Why must I be like this? Why must I give it ALL to ALL the wrong people. Why do I share myself, only to be used, emotionally abused, and ultimately let down? What is it about me that stamps me with this undying desire for men to come into my life - only for a while- and disappear with no warning, no explanation, no sense of compassion or concern?

I am sure I have been labeled. I am sure I have been laughed at. I am positive I have been the entertainment of 'boys night out and boys night in'. I seems that I am the epitome of a desperate, lonely fool begging for love in all the wrong places.

It is evident by what I have experienced and the times I have been let down, that LOVE may not be meant for me.

Loving me is hard.... FOR ME, Catering to me is unheard of....FOR ME, Expressing the goodness about me is damn near impossible.....FOR ME

I seek these things in others because I give myself to others. Doesn't make a bit of sense, yet I ride this rollercoaster over and over and over. Spinning outta control, pushing people away, not taking care of self is the sole reason behind my own self-destruction.

I am honest and I am real. I let you know who I am and lay the cards out flat. I show you parts of me that sometimes I don't even recognize in myself until I speak them to you. I
am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be to me. I cherish things that were never mine. I  spend time, money, and effort on people that will never do the same for me in return.

I am BROKEN and I do not know how to heal.
I am BROKEN because of all that I feel.
I am BROKEN because of what I have lost- neglecting all that I have gained from those losses.
I am broken and I do not now how to heal.

I Didn't Go Looking For You

Thursday, July 2, 2020

I didn't go looking for you! You came looking for me. I didn't know if I was ready to start something new, something different....I didn't know if I was ready for you!

Turns out, in the beginning I wasn't ready. I should have waited until I was. I should have waited until Fairfield was gone. Trying to hold on to the old while trying to build something lasting with the new was clearly not what I needed to do. Storms came too early that neither of us could weather. Emotions and immaturity reared it's head and caused ruckus in the air. The calm came after the storm and I felt things were on a better healthier path. Little did I know a hurricane was brewing straight up ahead.


It Was All A Dream..... Or Was It?

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Last night while lying peacefully in my warm comfy bed, I had a dream I was blogging. I didn't think anything strange about this dream because I have been blogging a lot the last few weeks. But this story about a dream takes a vivid, sharp turn deep into a valley of what appeared to be a subconscious effort to get answers to long awaiting unanswered questions.

Not sure if any of you have personally experienced sleep walking or witnessed another individual sleep walking in the wee hours of the morning or during the darkest hours of the night. I have witnessed an old friend do this a few years back and was blown away at the accuracy of normalcy she displayed subconsciously while preparing a sandwich from the ingredients she pulled from the fridge. She did this, all while conversing with someone that wasn't within her presence.

Can There Be Love After the Toxicity?

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Can there be love after the toxicity? What do you think? Have you yourself been able to love and allow yourself to be loved after a toxic relationship, or has it made you too afraid to put yourself back out there again?  When we allow toxicity into our relationships and it becomes a routine behavior that we lean on as a crutch to break the fall of us crashing to the ground, we create bad habits.... we create our own hell. 

From my personal experiences, which may not be the same as yours, I have learned that breaking bad habits that I picked up from past relationships, are way harder to change after you are use to them. Even when you know those habits are not beneficial and most often detrimental not only to the other person, but most importantly detrimental to YOURSELF!

Friday Night Lights

Saturday, June 6, 2020

Last night has to be one of the best nights of my life. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall recording the conversation so I would always have it and never forget it. From bouncing movie/TV series back and forth, what we have seen or not seen to what we want one another to check out. To discussing some of the most tramautic experiences of my life, Black Lives Matter, the protests etc., to he and I and what went wrong, to me and my lack of confidence, to relationship discussions, and how men like to chase.....TO HUNT.

I had four separate dreams last night about us and the future we can never have, but I am grateful that we have been able to build a friendship, one we both believe will last a lifetime.


The Truth Is......

Monday, June 1, 2020

The truth is, I've been hurt, by more than a few
The truth is, I've been broken, driven to the brink of depression
The truth is, sometimes I lose my cool, because I'm not heard when I keep cool
The truth is, you don't know my story, so who are you to judge

The truth is, I am kind and sweet
The truth is, I'm caring and giving
The truth is, I will and have given my all
The truth is, I've been hurt so much in almost numb to the pain
The truth is, even though I say I'm through with love, there's still so much in me to give
The true is, no matter how much you hurt me, I will still give you love and respect

You Heard

From all the Boys before you, you heard I was just temporary
From all the Boys before you, you heard I was just something to do
From all the Boys before you, you heard I was crazy
From all the Boys before you, you heard I  was a waste of time
From all the Boys before you, you heard all I did was fuss and argue

'We' Can't Breathe

Thursday, May 28, 2020

We can't breathe with your guns in our faces
We can't breathe with your knees on our necks
We can't breathe when we are pulled over for fitting a description
We can't breathe when our backs are towards the walls
We can't breathe with our hands bound behind our backs
We can't breathe behind the bars of the jail house, caged up like animals
We can't breathe while walking down the street
We can't breathe while becoming entrepreneurs trying to feed our families
We can't breathe when our sons, brothers, husbands, friends; OUR KINGS, don't come home at night


Sunday, March 29, 2020

Today is March 29, 2020 and the world is in a major crisis. The pandemic outbreak of COVID-19 (the Coronavirus) has the entire world shook. People panicking, people dying, and some not reacting at all to the seriousness of it all.  Most states in the US have implemented curfews and shut down non-essential businesses. The world is in total chaos.

I set out to write a post this morning and had no idea what I wanted to write about, so I asked 2 of my friends if they had any thoughts. It was suggested that I blog about the current pandemic. At first I hesitated because my life has not changed much due to the 'mandatory' shutdown, so I decided to look back at my old posts and read a few for inspiration.

Words Kill

Saturday, March 28, 2020

I am a lover. I am kind. I am caring. I am dedicated. I am worthy. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am....

I am a monster. I am a sinner. I am a fraud. I am a liar and a deceiver. I am worthless. I am crazy. I am   a home wrecker. I am a fool. I am dumb and stupid. I am a failure. I am a betrayer. I am hopeless. I am weak. I am afraid. I am broken. I am negative. I am sarcastic. And I am to blame!


To All The Boys I Loved Before...

Friday, February 21, 2020

To all the boys I loved before......
Thank you for showing me what I don't deserve and teaching me that not every guy can be or will be for me. Thank you for causing my heart to break and shatter into a million pieces. It may have taken over a dozed years to stitch back the broken pieces that you each contributed to, but I learned so much through out the process. Thank you for sharing with me what I did right and what I did wrong (verbally & nonverbally). Thank you for the good times and the bad. Thank you for making me take the time to reflect, grow, mature, and discover who I am, who I truly am without YOU! Each experience, each lesson, opened my eyes to the qualities/characteristics I want and don't want in a partner/relationship. The pain you caused was worth it. I needed to feel it, to teach me not to go back there again......

What Happens Now?

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Some call it desperation, others may call it hope, but there has always been 'something' inside of me that is immensely filled with love and hope. It is often an extremely overwhelming feeling. Because of the depth of love I feel, it often causes me to overdo and become overbearing. I want others to know and understand my genuine nature and judge me not for my mistakes or poor judgement.


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