In Limbo

Friday, December 28, 2018

It's been while.... and hopefully my blogging hiatus is over. I have taken some time off  to process and make sense of the tailspin I have been in the last few months. The last 4 years of my life have been some of the most exhilarating and at the same time some of the most challenging. Looking back, I realize I lost parts of me in you. It is time for me to get reacquainted with who I am and 

Who I want to become.

Let me take you back a bit:

In August of this year, I went through the most traumatizing event in my life thus far. After 4 years of being involved, my situationship finally came to a screeching halt. In the aftermath of the first two months without him in my life daily,  I could barely accomplish anything; something as simple as taking a shower was too much for me to bear because it meant waking up and removing my fragile body from bed. I became emotionally unglued and so empty I had not a single tear to shed.  I spent every waking moment thinking about you and why things had to end so abruptly. I wracked my brain trying my best to come up with any explanation as to why you chose someone else to officially be your girlfriend and have the pleasure of being introduced to your family. I beat myself up over the things I could and could not control that happened between us. 


I was wandering- I was lost.
I was the barely living - I was
the walking dead. 





There were many nights, and plenty days where focus was vacant from the forecast and filled with fog. I became overly obsessed with thoughts of you and completely distraught that it had all ended. I begged for another chance, I pleaded my case but nothing could change your mind or stop the insanity and the madness going on in my head. Everyday I prayed that things would change and nothing seemed to move. Nothing seemed to get better. Nothing made me happy. There was an unbareable pain in my chest that never seemed to cease.  The never-ending stabbing I felt as the hours went by was to much to bear. I reached out to those who I trust, but they were unavailable. Because of who I had become, not only had I lost you, I had also lost a friend of 15 years because of my intoxicating rage and my inability to control my emotions. 

Day in and day out the more I felt myself losing control, the more I began to realize I needed help to get me through. I searched the web for psychiatrists and kept reaching our to my aunt and my mentor until one day they answered my call. I was finally able to articulate to someone the pain I was feeling. I was finally able and somewhat willing to accept help from someone who actually wanted to offer a realistic solution. They all did their best to help me ease the pain and find a way to unbury myself from the pile of shit I was buried beneath. I was putting myself through myself thru hell with know tools or direction as to what to so to help myself.  It wasn't easy and I wasn't always nice. I didnt always listen and I wasn't always positive. But day by day it got a little easier. I couldn't see the light in the beginning, but after time passed, I began to see my way out of misery and I began shoveling my way thru the tunnel. 

Today I am here to tell you that:
'trouble don't last always' !

The obstacles that we go through are there to build us up; make us stronger, more resilient individuals. I swear, I LITERALLY didn't believe I would live though this situationship break up. I called upon death more times than I care to admit while going through the first two months, but I am here and stronger than I believe I have ever been. Loving someone more than you love yourself is unhealthy and will take you 'down through there' if you know what I mean. Loving someone who does not love and respect you in return is hurtful and emotionally damaging to ones entire being. 



Only 4 months into my healing but....


Knowing what I know now, I will build upon the things I have learned from this situation so that I do not repeat history. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means healed but I am in a much better mental & emotional state than I was before. Four months (out) will not repair the 4 years (of time, money, effort, damage, hurt and pain) that I put into this relationship. I have learned to be patient with myself and count each small step of progress as a victory on my road to recovery.

After these 4 short months, I have become more productive, more positive, and am even able to hold a text conversation with Fairfield (when I want to-I do not always reply when he text, and I don't reach out to him as often as I did before) without becoming angry, resentful, sad, or getting in my feelings. I have learned that although you did make me smile and I felt you were the one; you were not on the level I need 'my man' to be. It is clear to me that you want to remain stagnant and complacent with what you have and what you desire in life. I am more ambitious and more open to change; you are resistant. And although I learned a lot from you,  I desire more in a partner than you are currently able to provide for me.





For years I felt as though I did not have a voice. I am an introvert who can be extra sensitive at times. Amongst my friends - I was the quietest, the one who was most taken advantage of . But by the time I met Fairfield, at the age of 31, I had grown tired of being run over and not having a voice and being unable to speak my mind. Though there were times I went overboard and should have had more self control and the ability to shut my mouth, it was clear that you did not like that I was willing and able to stand up for myself when I felt I was being wronged. In the beginning you embraced and seemed to love this about me, but after a few years you tried to silence me and my opinions and were engaged hen I didn't back down and bow down. In relationships, I can be submissive but the way in which you prefer your submission is quite different. With you, I must never go against the grain, never disagree with you or  respectfully argue my point. If I disagreed, it was best to nod and move on. And even then there was often a problem. Either I am saying too much or not saying enough. This became the never ending cycle of insanity between us that ultimately led to our demise. I am stronger, more ambitious, more willing to take risks and always trying to better myself (and you)  more so than the women you prefer to actually give your real time and love to. I will support, and take up for what I believe instead of bowing down to you and his double standards. you do not live by this however, I believe that:


If the rule applies to me, it must apply to you as well. 


Now- for a guy who says 'you are not who I want', 'I do not want to be in a relationship with you', 'I never loved you the way you think, only as a friend', and to blatantly tell you that you act like a 'little girl', 'you are immature', and say things like 'you are crazy', 'you are a basket-case' - you would think that after you have moved on and gotten a girlfriend and actually acknowledged 'the gf/bf title', you would leave the girl you said all those awful things to alone





RIGHT???

Welp, that is not the case, which leaves me confused, not invested or concerned, just plain confused. You say it is merely a sexual thing and nothing more, but how could you allow yourself to want anything even if it is 'just sex' with a person you cannot stand and who wasn't unworthy of your time, your love, and a title? How could you risk engaging in the very thing that ruined your marriage with someone you finally give a title to for someone you couldn't care less about? Its been 5 years and hella women in and out your life since your divorce, yet when you decide to give love a try again, you have changed nothing about the way in which you go about handling your relationships and the women you 'SAY YOU LOVE'?





IS THIS THE KIND OF MAN I WANT?
IS THIS THE TYPE TREATMENT I DESERVE?

At this point, I am thanking you. Thanking you from saving me from a lifelong commitment to hell. Now, I am not saying you cannot change one day and be exactly who I want need and have loved all along, because anyone can change, I have myself. But as you are now, I cannot allow myself to be blinded anymore by who I want you to be and who I thought you were when we first met. No lie, I still sometimes daydream about what could have been and if there will ever be another opportunity for us again, but I am no longer making you a priority on my list of "to-do's". I am now my #1 priority followed my my sweet daughter (who by the way still mentions you at least twice a week). Whether good or bad or both, you  definitely made a lasting impression on both our hearts and I know we will both love you always. 

But until that day comes when something in the universe shifts and places us back in each others lives on a different level, I will continue to fight for my healing and my growth. I will forever remember to not ever forget who I am or get so lost in a man that I lose myself. I will remember the heartache you caused and the lessons I've learned. I will cherish the times we had and store away the love we had. For I may have loved and lost, but I won't ever love and forget, YOU. The good times and the bad are what have made me who I am and encouraged me to become who I want to be. No other event or person in my life has made this much impact. I was face to face with myself and didn't recognize who I was. I saw things about myself I don't ever want to see again. I became someone whom I pray won't ever rise again. But yet and still, I thank you. 

While I walk in limbo thru the next stages of my life, I will LIVE it to the fullest. I will continually strive to be a better version of me; a me I can be proud of for years come. I will not be ashamed of the wreckless, immature, and irresponsible mistakes I made in my past, but I will embrace them for they are the very things that molded and continue to mold me.

Who knew the delicate fragile broken pieces I called 'me', would begin to heal and blossom into a woman of strength, beauty, confidence, and courage. I still have not so good days, but they no longer outweigh my bad and for that I am glad. 






Special thanks to: 
DKT, DCS, Doses of Khandi, and DKB
























  
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Everyday is Something New

Tuesday, October 23, 2018


All the time I have had to myself, thinking of and missing you, each and every day I find something new that I love(d) about you. 

I appreciate your needs and desires for privacy more now than before. Telling your business to others only complicates the situation; causes the person you tell private things to to draw conclusions about the person you are with and may cause you to doubt yourself and decisions you choose to make with that person....at least for me. And none of that is their business anyways. What you have with a person should be between you and that person only. I know you have your own reasons but I get it now. I know w not everyone needs to know about the intimate details of your friendships/relationships. It's just not for them to know. 

' Your relationship/friendship ain't everyone else's business'.
I have learned that most of my friends have a different definition of friendship and not all of the ones I call my friends are not really my friends. I should also keep business- business and remove all personal conversations out of my business relationships. The more I travel on this journey to ind myself the more I am learning about relationships and about myself.

I have had so much time on my hands that I do not know what to do with 90% of it. I was so engulfed in you that I failed to see me for me. I was so busy trying to please you (which I completely failed at) that I got lost in the mix of things. I began to communicate less and less with other people and sat around waiting for a call or text from you. I had a few good months without being depressed that I failed to remember depression is something that I struggle heavily with at times. I forgot to take care of myself because I was trying to take of you and in the end is one of the factors that pushed you away. 

"You're doing too much. You're not my girl"....

I have an obsessive compulsion of ranting over texts because I get into an emotional stress overload. Therapy has brought up questions that make me think about why I do this. And the answer was not clear at first but when I began talking - I kind of answered the question without even knowing it. 

One being - I have this 'fear of abandonment ' and I have no clue where it stems from. Fear is something I am now learning to remove from my vocabulary and mindset because in the Bible it talks about  not having fear. FEAR IS BAD! 

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Fear will cause you to do things you are not proud of or really want to do because you are afraid.I am learning to not be afraid, but to have faith that no matter what God will guide me and lead me in the right direction. There is no need to go over the things I have said or done due to the fear of losing you, and no need to apologize again either. 

The best apology is not an "I apologize' or an 'I'm sorry--
 It is changed behavior.

Therefore I am changing my behavior. It is not easy and it is not going to happen quickly, but I am determined not to make the same mistakes of my past. I am determined to not let the past define who I am but I am going to do my best to rectify the wrongdoing I have done in my past, given the opportunity. 

It is not everyday you meet a man who you can say 'he's the one for me'. It's not everyday that once you meet a man you can say that he actually lives up to the thoughts in your head; the qualities you've been looking for. So you can never imagine how difficult it is 
to live with the fact that 'you' (I) singlehandedly ruined the friendship you had with that man. 


Moving on isn't easy but it is necessary. Forgetting the past won't ever happen, but it can  be made bearable. The what-ifs won't cease but they will subside. 

Getting to know myself isn't easy either. There are things about myself that I am not fond of and want to desperately improve upon but I am lost at where to begin. So first I must pray for forgiveness for myself so that I am no longer hard on myself and am able to push forward knowing I am putting in every bit of effort to improve the things about myself that make me who I am . I am kind, loving, caring and willing to help others. I am intelligent and creative. I am learning to he honest and truthful in everything that I do and say. 


My therapist asked me what went wrong? What changed? I didn't have an answer until I sat back quietly for a moment-then began to speak. 
" I went through a rough patch being depressed and thats when life went to the shits. I don't remember why I became depressed but I did. I began acting out, lashing out verbally to the ones I loved and needed the most. I was angry with myself for not being perfect and couldn't find anything good about myself. I tried to read others minds and tell them what and how I felt they were feeling. I talked down to you and treated you as though you were less than a man. All I wanted was attention and I did not know how to get it the right way, so I dug deep and was hurtful to you and to others. I did not know how to handle the emotions that I was feeling so I hid behind my SMS. The things I said to you and to others vis SMS I would not and did not say in person. It's like I am a different person via text than I am in person or via phone, and even online (blogging). 

I want to laugh again, travel again, LIVE again. I am putting the pieces of me back together--in the right places so I can be whole again. I want to feel peace of mind and joy in my heart. Those things I miss dearly and am continually working so hard to re-obtain. Building a better relationship with God and with myself will help me be all that he has ever wanted me to be and more than I could have ever imagined to be. 

It is my time to shine bright-no regrets-no hard feelings-no more broken hearts. 

I have let so many people down with my past actions and it hurts me so. I was broken and didn't have to proper tools to put myself back together. I am not completely where I want to be yet, but I have made strides and progress. I am willing to put in the work and I will finish this journey stronger and more mature than ever before (hopefully someone my daughter will be able to look up to).  My journey has just begun so I am far from perfect, but I am one step closer to being a better me. A me I can be proud of. A me others will be able to love and respect. A me who doesn't use the excuse 'hurt people, hurt people' anymore. A me that learns from the past mistakes and no longer repeats them. 

You and I may very well never have another change or opportunity to start over, but I pray that we will. I pray that you will forgive me as I have forgiven you. I pray one day this opportunity will arise again and I will be ready. But even if it does not, I have faith I will be a better person because of  what I have been though. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else again. I want to live up to being that loving, happy, kind, giving  person I say that I amend want to be.  I don't want to leave this earth knowing I have not made a difference in someones life. I want to be a light and a helpful hand to those that I meet. 



 You never know how strong you are, until strong is only choice you have!

Love is.....

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

       














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Happy Birthday to Me

Monday, October 1, 2018
Hello, October!! It is the FIRST of the month and the best day of the year....at least in my eyes. Thirty-five years ago today at 2:33 am- a tiny 5lb15oz baby girl was born; unknowing of what was to come of the path in which she may take in life. God had a HUGE plan for this sweet little lamb from the moment she was conceived. Life has definitely not been all roses and sunshine, but it also has not been shit and sandstorms.




The path that I have driven thus far, I can say has been one that I have have attempted to be in control of(often failing instead of suceeding), and not marched to the beat of anyone or anything but myself and what I wanted for myself. Now - don't follow my footsteps and by no means think you can tackle life all on your own. Never internalized the true meaning of it 'takes a village to raise a child  (and in my case, an adult) until I demanded to draw my own line in the sand and march to my own beat. But knowing what I know now, I know that even as an adult, you need people in your corner, by your side, and people who will call you out, tell you when you are wrong and put you in your place. I have been on this journey (for 5 years) to reclaim my life, making baby-step changes day by day to live the way the good Lord intended me to. And let me tell you, I have NOT gotten this far alone. 


'It Takes a Village (a strong village) to Raise a Child'


Today started out great, had a few bumps along the way, but it ended up being an okay day overall. I woke up to a text at 6:03 am from the 1 person I wanted to hear from the most, but  doubted I would.....'Fairfield' was the first happy birthday message I received today. It was a heartwarming surprise, and a sigh of relief. He didn't forget  about me and he didn't allow our toxic past to deter him from sending me birthday wishes. I was blown away and it made my day-at first. Then, hours later I got in my own head-got greedy and asked for more than I should have. I began the inevitable rants, questions asking if he would grant me one last wish; a birthday wish, to see him one last time (one last movie date). When I was hit with the 'I can't today, and idk if I can in the future' I was devastated. But what was different about today was I did not allow his response to COMPLETELY dictate how the remainder of my day would play out. I left him be and I let me be. I did respond emotionally a couple of times, but then I let it all go. I didn't want to be depressed on this special day.

 So let's cut to the chase....today marks MY 35TH DAY OF LIFE and what I am hoping will be the beginning of a new chapter. It is time to let go of the life I have lived/given away to the man I have loved for the last 4 years. I have my struggles and I have my ways, but today I will do more than I have in the past to change my future and not repeat my past. From this day forward, I choose to challenge myself to try new ideas, new methods, and new techniques to encourage, motivate and push me beyond limits I have allowed myself to tackle before. I am ready for change. With Brooks in my corner,  Daily Doses of Khandi in my medicine cabinet and the small host of my  'Conquer team' in place, I know I will climb mountains, cross moe-hills a swim across oceans to come out on the other side without losing my shit and falling apart. 

Soooo enough about him, I ran to the store, called up my BFF and caught up on the latest event in each of our lives. I did not make BIG plans to go out get wasted or get buck wild.  We swapped stories, laughed, shared the not so perfect, and kept it 100% real- as we always do with each other.  I then went and picked up my forever talking, never a breath between words 5 year old and headed home.




'Best friends are people who make your problems, their problems so you don't have to go thru them alone'

On my way home,I got a call from my aunt and she was shocked that I had no plans for my 35th and told me she was gonna grab my two favs-pizza and wine. So we all met at her house around 7 and celebrated my birthday.It was nice to bethought about and celebrated. It was nice to feel loved, especially at such n emotional time in my life. Not to mention I received more calls, texts, and Facebook posts that I have in years. I truly felt loved and not alone today. Its only been a little over 2 months since he decided he no longer wanted us to be friends on the level in which we had been the last several years. All in all -  I couldn't (well I could-but I won't) have asked for a better birthday. 




Thank you to all those who made my day a lot more special than I anticipated. 

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Diary of a Boring Black Girl: Day by Day

Monday, September 17, 2018

Sept. 7

Today as we were texting one another and I felt compelled to pick up the phone and call. We spoke for about 45 minutes. I believe we were both able to release what was on our mind, at least I know I was. I spoke to you with care, compassion, and respect. I was calm, able to control my feelings and get across how I was feeling without unleashing the beast. It was an easier conversation than I anticipated it would be, being that we had not spoken on the phone (only text) since August 15. I shared my future dreams and expectations I had preplanned in my mind for us. I told you that from the day I met you in Moe's I knew you were the one (I feel like) God had sent to me to one day be my forever after.

In closing, I expressed how much I truly hoped for you to find someone to love you, but more importantly for you to find someone you yourself could love and commit to wholeheartedly without the desires of fulfilling spare time with random additional women. I told you I loved you then, I love you now and I always will. You in return said that you love me too, that you would miss me and you wished me well.

Seconds later I received a text stating, "Thank you for being so complementary of me in your parting conversation". This made my heart smile, as I had no idea the words I spoke were even resonating with you. I even expressed to you while on the phone that I didn't think anything I was saying would make a difference to you and that you probably wouldn't even believe the words I was saying, because you said yourself that you had no trust in me whatsoever anymore. I was under the impression I was wasting my time with the words I was saying to you (but I still let them flow), so it was heartwarming to receive that text from you. Even if you only expressed you appreciated me being complementary of you (and not inclusive of how I felt about us and my feelings towards you). Nevertheless I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you one last time. I was surprisingly relieved after talking with you. I felt a weight was lifted from my spirit and I was no longer filled with anger or resentment. I don't know how long this will last, but I will embrace the peace and comfort I was given for as long as I can.





Sept. 10

As I begin my day being awakened by the sound of  my 'Living my best life-Card B' alarm tone, I struggle at the ability to get my tale out of bed. I begin to wake up my daughter, who is right next to me, to get her ready for school, and she tells me, "mom my eyes aren't ready, they want to stay closed".
Alas, I am finally able to get us both up and running, and the 1st thing that comes to my mind is you. I noticed I had a SMS notification on my iPhone and before I even opened it up, I was subconsciously hoping it would be a message from you. Although it was not you, I still had you on my mind. The entire trip to my morning drop off, I was reminded of you and things we had done together as I pulled up to Raelyn's school.

After drop off, I head into work. I am a bit tired from the weekend, staying up till 5 am conversing with my mentor about life and about my recent love loss. I am eager to journal about my weekend/ and days since the end of us began, to sort out my emotions and help me through each  coming day. Although I have had a semi busy day at work I have still not managed to get you off of my mind. But I am proud of myself. Before when things were rocky with you and I, I often was unable to physically or emotionally function well enough to remain at/be productive at work. Today I am functioning well and and getting things both personal and professional accomplished.

While I am in he midst of journaling about my day today, I received a call from my mother. We spoke about general topics and asked one another how our day was coming along. I then asked her how her date went with daddy this weekend. Upon finishing that up, the inevitable happened. My mom asked me about Fairfield. I took a deep breath, as I have been avoiding this conversation with her for nearly 3 weeks. Mom knows Fairfield and knows briefly of our relationship and the trials we have been through. I carefully explained to her what happened, and where I am emotionally. I expressed it is still fresh and that I cannot dwell on it in detail with her at the moment. She shared her wisdom and words of advice and comfort, and let me know that she understood it was difficult for me to discuss right now. She understood why he said he has lost all trust in me because she too has lost all trust in me at one point within recent years. She completely understood his reasonings for walking away as well and my disappointment in myself for causing things to escalate to the point of no return.

Today is Day3 - I am learning to be strong and hold my head up high, mask my emotions and not wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am learning that each day gets better. Each day I am discovering a little more. Every moment I am striving to be a better person and let go of the indiscretions of my past so they do not control nor effect my future or future relationships.

My intentions have always been to treat others well, be kind, and to uphold my morals & values. But as I reflect on this relationship, it brings back memories both past and present, of times in which I have-not been so good to others; especially the ones I love. I am not proud. It is disheartening and makes me afraid to hear what those I love would say about me in death. Therefore it is my goal to work towards loving myself so I will be able to love others they way they deserve to be loved.

People in my life have failed me - because I first failed them.





Sept. 13-Sept.16

It's been several days of silence and peace. I start my day off with a remembrance tattoo early in the morning around 10 am. Once I finish, go home, nap and am on my way to work. I hear my SMS go off and it is none other that that famous choo-choo tone of the one and only Fairfield. I read the message and it says 'Hi Summer'. I took several minutes to ponder on whether or not I was going to respond. Alas, 12 minutes later I reply 'Hi' back. As I am under the impression he only wanted to speak and say hello, and then return to silence as he has done many times before, this time I was wrong. Again I hear my choo-choo text tone. I take a deep breath as I have no idea what to expect. The message reads, 'how are you doing'? In my head I have a million responses going thru my mind as to what to say to him; how the hell do you think I am doing, why the hell do you even care, and so many more. Again I take moments to gather myself before responding. I wanted to be sure I came off mature, calm and in control of the words I was going to type back to him. I informed him that I am doing great and there is no need for him to continually check in on me. What did I do that for. He is so entrapped in his negative way of thinking that he jumps on the fact that he wholeheartedly believes I was intending on telling him what to do, that he replies, 'Don't tell me what to do'. This is the exact dialogue I was trying to avoid. I assured him I was not telling him what to do, just simply that I am doing well and he doesn't need to worry about me. As you may assume, this resulted in on and off texts the remainder of the day into the evening. Nothing heavy but he did invite me over to see him; I politely declined.

I do not recall us messaging one another on Friday, (if we did it there is nothing that comes to mind), but on Saturday I opened a bag of worms when I text him on my way to work. I text him inquiring about a previous arrangement we had and ended up being called all sorts of names inclusive of being told that I wasted the last 4 years of his life and he wished he had never been involved with me. Hurtful yes, but nonetheless, I did not allow his anger or nastiness affect the way in which I responded or felt about myself. I have yet to do something for another individual and had an ulterior motive. The only motive was being a kind friend and helping someone I care about in their time of need. So it hurt hearing that he felt I only did it to hold it over his head and that I was evil for not doing things out of the kinds of my heart.

By now I have been reeled back in and keep texting anything just to keep the conversation moving along. Knowing that he would still respond back is what kept my fingers typing. Knowing that as long as I said something I could still see his name flash across my screen. Even though I know I should have ended the conversation long ago - its something about knowing he's still in contact with me. My Sunday was drab and I spent most of my Saturday & Sunday lying in bed - no television, no lights. I know that I have to keep going, keep moving on, but I stopped receiving random how are you doing, good morning, etc texts I would be able to move on much faster. But instead, I get set back each time he reaches out. He's the one who called it quits, so why is he still contacting me is my question. I told him had moved on and he immediately assumes I have moved on with another man. Haha - yeah I thought it was funny too. Whether is it true or a part of his fantasy, is none of his business, and I intend on keeping it that way.

I ended the conversation with a long, strong, firm message to him stating that I am fine, do not check on me unless it is about our arrangement. Told him that his hurtful words cut deep and would be lasting. As I sit here on Monday morning telling you about the events of the weekend, I am wondering if I did the right thing. Do I really want to stop receiving the random texts from him, because they allow me to think I am still on his mind and that maybe-just maybe he misses me too.
Now I will spend the coming days in anticipation wondering if he will abide by my wishes and not text or live by his own rules and texts when he wants to as he has been doing all along.

Only time will tell,

Stay tuned.....


















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Never Can Say Goodbye: The Final Chapter - Love you Still

Thursday, September 6, 2018



It is  Thursday, September 6th, 7:06 am. I am sitting at my desk trying to sort through my thoughts and slow down my racing mind. I am suppose to be here writing about my 1 year blog anniversary (that I missed on August 30th), but instead I am here to clear my mind of the events that have taken place over the last 3 weeks.

The end began just one day before I left for my cruise to the Bahamas, August 15th. I was having a conversation with Fairfield that started innocent and fun an turned out the be the beginning of the end of our relationship. One misunderstanding sabotaged the 4+ (almost 5) year long relationship/friendship I had with the man I believed would be my lifetime lover, friend, and partner.

I am in disbelief that someone I have spent so much time with and given so much of myself to, would-could walk away from me with nothing short of a second thought. We have at some point both threatened to cease communication with one another, but never managed to complete the task. But I am here today to tell you that that day has come, and it has come far to soon for me. I have been stronger than I imagined - not reaching out to him in the mist of his departure. But he has still managed to reach out to me 4 times over the course of the last 3 weeks. I have responded to some of his attempts and ignored others in order to prevent the pain from resurfacing it nasty little head. Each time I hear from him feels like the knife being inserted and ripped out all over again.

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To Achieve.... I Must Believe

Monday, June 18, 2018


What is life? What is love? And how do we set ourselves up for success? The past several months, I have heard about and read so many articles, texts, blogs etc. about people speaking life into the things they desire to obtain, both tangible and intangible. Not giving much thought of my own to it, I brushed it off and interpreted as people just being overly positive and me embracing the Negative Nancy that lives inside of me. If you know me, you know that I am 'she of little faith' due to the impact my dads unsupportive, sometimes negative comments, and his wanna be so-called reverse psychology (I tell you you cannot do something so it will encourage you to get it done) type parenting skills have made on me. I may want something, even take the time to pray for and work towards obtaining it, but when the road gets rough, I cling to the, 'it's never gonna happen' thought, like a kid  with her favorite blankie. Nevertheless, I eventually pick myself back up again and start all over, reaching for my goals, even though its like starting all over again from the beginning, I want to complete a goal this time without giving up. 


A few days ago, I received some uplifting words of encouragement that made me think about the way I have been going about life. I was unknowingly challenged by a young woman on the rise as an up and coming mompreneur. This woman is a wife, mom, former athlete, fitness guru, business professional, and founder of her own company, whom I deeply admire. She posted something that really touched me, so I reached out to send her my appreciation for the words she spoke regarding speaking things into existence. Mind you , she is a stranger and just someone I follow via social media, but I could not help but send her my thanks. She then replied with a personal note JUST FOR ME reassuring me that although she did not know what struggles or hardships I had been through, God is always with me and he is not through with me yet! 


She briefly shared somethings with me, one being how she spoke something into existence pertaining to her business. She spoke it, wrote it down(even showed us via social media), did the work, prayed about it and claimed it. After all of this - low and behold, her wish/prayer was answered and she had received exactly what she had asked for. She reminded me that life can be tough and shared with me that during her hardships, her faith was the only thing that had shown her how to have peace in the midst of a storm. I let her words and her personal experiences resonate with me over the next few days. Then I decided to do something about gaining and maintaining my own peace and speaking life into the things I want to have so that I will one day be able to receive them also. 



I don't want for much, but the things I do want are far from having monetary significance. They are things that one cannot just go to Target and purchase.  Saying aloud what I want, claiming them and believing they will actually happen is most definitely out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to dream of them and have them fade away when reality awakens me. 


Today I want to make a change. I want to step out on faith and try manifestation on for size. Being that this will be something totally new to me, I know it will take time and hard work to change my mentality, but I am up for the task. And because of my history with people, I know I will be alone in this journey. Although I have made some major changes in my attitude and am able to deal with my depression much better, I know that in the past, I have spewed out so much negativity and been so defensive with my words and my tone to those around me, that I know no one will stand by me as I make an effort to become a better version of me. Maybe this is a test, maybe this is a new chapter in my book, or maybe this is God's way of pushing me to step out on faith, be strong and just believe. 





My Man
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31
I will marry the love of my life. This man is tall (to me), dark, and handsome. He is strong and passionate. He is slow to love as a precautionary measure of protecting himself from yet another repeated failed relationship. This man is an exceptional father and I know he will be an amazing care-giver, protector and provider. The love of my life is not one to show much emotion for fear of being vulnerable, leaving himself open to be hurt and let down. He has faults as he, like us all, is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. I want to be his woman, his friend, his lover, and his wife. With this man I want to spend the rest of my life. He is funny, kind, and considerate. He is loving and playful with my daughter and she glows in his presence. She too has expressed her love for him. This man is scarred and comes with baggage. He is cautions and careful. He is protective and prideful. These qualities may seem unbecoming to you, but to me makes him a diamond in the rough. He is a rare gem. Not a pretty package everyone will run to to unwrap. But when he wraps his arms around me I never want him to let go. I never want to spend a day without him in my life and I am speaking our union into existence. I will not Rush the process, nor will I continue to ignore my dreams. We will be, we will exist, we will be happy, we will create a loving family, we will love one another, we will grow old together.

The times we have shared over the last several years has not always been a cakewalk. Everyday has not been without pain, hurt, or betrayal etc. They say love should be easy, it very well may be. But your journey is not my journey; it is not ours. No matter our struggles- together or apart, we are still right by each others side, holding on, and I know that we will continue to be there for one another. I believe timing is everything and our time is just above the horizon. Part of trusting God and trusting his process is the art of learning patience. I may not have mastered the patience lesson yet, but I am doing my best waiting and working towards what I have claimed to be my future, my man, my husband. 


Although the time is not now, although we are still working on ourselves, I know that God has a plan, one right now I don't understand, he is working on us a part so one day we can be together and not torn a part. I know I have been waiting, and questioning when it will happen, but I cannot question God's timing for he is always right on time. I will continue to pray for us. I will speak it aloud, I will speak it into existence. I will manifest the reality I want to live, and I will live it. 



 "So then they were no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore let what God has joined together, let no man separate." Matthew 19:6





Mommy's Girl
"There's nothing as powerful as a mothers love, nothing as healing as a child's soul." 
My daughter is my world and I live for her everyday. And although I think I do a pretty good job at being her mother, I still have the fear I will not be enough for her. I suffer from depression and sometimes I get down. Sometimes I don't want to play or even be bothered. I do my best to make sure she is fulfilled and well taken care of while I pep myself back up, but I constantly worry that she will resent me for the areas I have failed at being the best mom I can be. We take trips and play games, we spend quality time snuggled on the couch watching movies and telling each other stories. We also tackle the educational component so that she stays ahead in her learning. But everyday I wonder if I have done enough. Have I shown her enough love? Have I spent enough time? Have I answered her questions to the best of my ability? The list goes on and on. 

I sometimes drive myself crazy wondering what questions she will have next and doubting I will have all the answers. She is growing older, and her mind works very similar to mine, she wants to know why and when to everything lol. She is beginning to ask me about marriage, babies, and a father. She is exploring body parts and becoming sassy. She is independent yet needy. She wants quality time playing dolls, playing outside, and playing on the iPad. I try to limit time spent on electronics so she won't become a couch potato and miss out on the joys of other activities. But sometimes I find myself slipping into being 'that mom' I said I didn't want to me and allowing her to spend more time watching tv or on the iPad than I would like her to spend. These questions and times of possible failure to my daughter are the very things that I fear will prevent me from seeing all the good I have done as her mother. I foresee me missing the parts of her that are amazing because of my teachings due to my inability to see me as an amazing mom. 


In order to continue to have the best, healthiest relationship with her, it is my responsibility to change the way I think about being her mommy. I must speak more positivity into the universe so it will be reciprocated in the form of me surviving mommyhood. No more 'what ifs'. So from now on, I will believe that I am doing right by my daughter. I am providing her with all her needs and a lot of her wants. I will seek guidance from God and others when needed. I am good enough to be her mother and I know she will be proud to be my daughter. We will share secrets and tell each other jokes. We will build a stronger bond each and everyday that goes by. I will lead her, teach her, and guide her to the best of my ability and I will be confident in my doing. I still may fail at a task but I will not fail as a mother. I will be her listening ear and her comforter.


The love I have for her is endless. I will remind myself to worry less and pray more. Positive Paula has arrived and is ready to play. Time to taking mommying to the next level and show up for her even when I don't have the energy and don't feel well. I am an amazing mom and I will only get better!



"Of all the things I have done, you are by far the greatest!"






My Career
"Make your passion your paycheck"

For years I have been trying to figure out what my career path will be. After graduating college for the second time, I decided I wanted to start my own non-profit business to aid student-athletes. I was inspired by an assignment in my Sports Management class the last year of college where we had to come up with our own business, write a business plan, configure financials, the whole nine. I came up with an idea I loved and was passionate about so I continued to work on it after graduation. I tweeked my business plan to reflect the actual business I wanted to start. I personally designed the logo, opened an email account and even went to a few free courses for starting up a non-profit small business. It was an amazing feeling and I was on my way to having what I longed for.

As you can imagine, life got busy after graduation as I began job searching and devoting my time to finding a career to supplement my living expenses. But with all I had going on my business venture was put on hold. I found myself doubting my goals and how I would accomplish something to this magnitude. As the years went by, I was on and off with working towards getting things in place to open the doors of my business. I would take steps forward and then fall back. It has been a revolving cycle and I was no closer to making my dream come true.

During this time of exploring the option of opening my academic & sports performance institute for high school and college athletes, I began to test the waters exploring my creative bone and dove head first into graphic design. At the time I didn't know that is what I was doing. I thought I was just making flyers and colorful spreadsheets for my job and other teachers. But low and behold, a college classmate reached out to me on Yahoo Messenger. As we began to catch up, I just so happened to share a project I was working on with him. He then shared with me that he himself was a self-acclaimed, self-taught graphic designer. From that day on, he began to teach me all about design via the Yahoo Messenger app. You would be amazed what I have learned and how far I have come.

Ten years later I have become a self-acclaimed graphic designer myself and I am loving it. I love what I do and I am actually pretty good at it. I even started my own business Not So Pink Designs and have my own clients as well as helping out my friend. He now owns his own graphic design business/print shop, and recently opened  his own store front and is doing very well. Together we have decided to take it a step further and dive into a new avenue (still graphics related) and we hope to launch it soon. This brings me to my new career goal. I am going to use the income from this new joint venture and save up to open a second location of his business (in my area) and become partners in the print/graphic design business. I have always wanted to work for myself and this would be the perfect opportunity and would work well for me and my family. I could be available for my daughter more and make my own hours, even work from home when necessary.

I am letting the universe know that I will not fail in the starting of this second location or the venture he and I plan to start together this year. I am going to be a successful entrepreneur, wife and mother. What I put out will be endless amounts of positivity, so much that it will make you think twice about who you are talking to. I am pushing away the fears and the doubts and I am putting forth the confidence and determination to accomplish this goal in which lies my passion.


"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."












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In Daddy's Eyes

Wednesday, May 30, 2018




Inspiration, motivation and determination come in many different forms from many different people. Some people are easily motivated while others need the force of a small army to help them through everyday life, (I am one of those people). It is often true that, although each of our journeys is different, they can be very similar when categorizing them in general scenarios. What I mean by this is you may have a friend who has been sick with an illness (other than your common cold) and struggled getting their health back on track, making ends meet due to overwhelming doctor bills, and so on. You too may have experienced some health scares of your own. You both dealt with your sickness in different ways as it may have affected your bodies in different ways, but you both know what it is like to have gone through a series of health complications. Our life experiences, though different, are sometimes very similar and allow us to share our stories and our experiences with one another in hopes of building a bond or just to show one another that you are not alone. No matter what we go through - it shapes the individuals we become. Surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you is so important and necessary (at least for me).

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