When the Bough Breaks...

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Throughout life, we go through different obstacles, are faced with new challenges, and are forced to make some tough decisions that will eventually shape the person we are, will become, and the life that we will live. For me, as it may be for many of you, these times seem to come far too often. Though the issue may be of a different cloth, it takes a toll on you and causes you to continually reevaluate your life and the people in it (which isn't so bad afterall). 

Over the years I have learned that people have a tendency to grow apart, friendships end, and relationships dissolve. Although I know this to be true, I have always personally found it very difficult to let people go. It is hard for me to accept that a once perfect friendship/relationship is no longer so prefect. However this is one of the areas in my life in which I have been working hard to change and feel I have been somewhat successful in my efforts to evaluate and change the dynamics of my relationship with the people in my life. 

In light of recent events in my life, I have discovered, that I am stronger and more self-sufficient in who I am. I have been able to stand up for myself in ways I would never have been able to before. Prior to the internal, personal enhancements I have made both emotionally and mentally, I would have cowardly stood back and hid behind the hurtful, shameful words others have used to describe me. I would have unconsciously become defensive and blurted out things I later wish I could take back. But now I can stand in my truth and be my own backbone without feeling inferior to others. 

When a person comes to you trying to make you do or say something and you refuse to bow down to the reign of power they think they have over you, it causes you, well me, to rethink that persons true intentions and the genuineness of their relationship. Being told that I am a liar, untrustworthy, an attention seeker-both positive and negative, and being told 'I feel sorry for you' are words that I feel a person who doesn't know you can not say to you in all honesty because they do not know who you are. Although these words hurt me, I now know my worth. I let the nasty untruthful words go in one ear and out the other. However I will not forget them or the maliciousness that was spewed my way, I will not internalize these statements nor will I become them, like I would have allowed myself to before. 

With people like me, people who look for acceptance (to be liked by all-yes it is unrealistic, but I am a lover lol), a person who is just becoming comfortable within herself and building self-confidence (that I never had before), it can truly be damaging and cause a set back to hear such demoralizing words. To be made to feel inferior, less than, like nothing, is cruel and uncalled for. This may sound so elementary to some of you reading this, but until you know someone with low self-esteem or have have been that person with low self esteem; someone who has taken the negative words others have said about you and internalized them until you believed them, you may never understand what I am describing. It is hurtful to hear empty accusations, alternative facts, and opinions from someone who doesn't know you well enough to make those claims. How can a person who has never had a conversation with you about your life draw such absurd conclusions directed at your character?

Hence I have learned that some people just aren't meant to be an intimate part of your life. I have accepted that there are seasons of friendships /relationships and they don't all last for forever. When you are trying to do better, be better, and strive for better, the devil will always rear its ugly head. Sometimes in forms that are closest to you that were unforeseen. I am glad that I have learned to love myself and stand up for what I believe in and for myself. It is a feeling like no other. I have allowed myself to understand that sometimes, because of peoples actions, its time for them to exit your life, no matter the role they play. 

To those of you who are reading and have low self esteem, build yourselves up. Write down a list of your good qualities. Repeat those positive affirmations to yourself daily and say them until you believe them. They are already true, you just have to build yourself up to be able to give off that positive energy instead of becoming who they say you are. No one can determine your way in life but you. Think positive and your life will be positive. This does not mean hard times won't come. It may even mean tougher times are coming because you are working so hard at increasing your worth and your happiness. But keep on pushing through. Not everyone wants you to succeed, but as long as you want it and work towards it, the naysayers DO NOT MATTER! Stand up for yourself but remember to be respectful to those who try and bring you down in spite of you trying to come up. You respect yourself by respecting others!

To those who recently felt  disrespected by my words, I apologize. Not for the sternness in my stance for myself, but for the harshness of my language. However, I will not tolerate being belittled, knocked down and destroyed any longer. Its time to take a stand and be my own voice. 

There are times when words have been exchanged, feelings exposed and memories made that can't be erased that eventually cause the bough to break.......


Unconventional Fairytale

Friday, February 9, 2018

All my life, I have dreamt of being in love. Laughing uncontrollably, smiling endlessly, loving unconditionally. Falling head over heels for a man who adores me and treats me like a queen. No matter how many failed relationships/situationships I have found myself in, I have still held onto the hope that one day, some day, I would be the princess in the story with the happy ending. Although this has always been both my conscious and subconscious dream, I have somehow always allowed a man to dictate what I meant to them and to myself and I lost sight (may have never even known) of who I was and who I could become.  I have always been a pleaser, meaning that in my past, I did almost any and everything to get a guy to be sweet on me and wanna  "wife" me up.  After approximately 14 years I have finally come tho the realization that I need no one to validate me or approve of the things that I do.

It is sad that it has taken me this long to get to this place, but I know for a fact that I would not have been able to get to this place without the help of you. It may seem minuscule or maybe a bit  farfetched, but it is true. When you came into my life, I was not looking for new friends and definitely not looking for a new man. I was happy being young, single, and free! But once the door to friendship opened up between us, it effected my life like no other male-female relationship had thus far. Throughout our friendship, I have had my own personal battles within myself that often spilled over into all of my relationships, especially the one with you. And although things were not always picture perfect, you have somehow managed to stick around longer than any man in my life to date. When I was feeling discouraged, sad, or angry with the world you're there for me (maybe not in the selfish ways I wanted you to), but you were there nonetheless. You did not allow me to feel pity for myself, belittle myself (even at my lowest) and although you may not have always complimented or uplifted me with your words, you did so with your actions (most of the time lol). We have sailed some rough waters together, but we have come out on top each and every time. Our journey has not been easy and not always fun, but what matters is that it has been a learning experience; a time of healing and growth; and it is not over yet.

Due to your tough love and your unwillingness to put up with my bullshit (as my mother says), I have grown as a woman, friend and as a mother. Without you I do not know where I would be at this point in life. You have given me the necessary tools I needed to reevaluate myself in my efforts to become a better person. For years I was in search of how to mend broken relationships, repair broken hearts, and rebuild burned bridges, but was unsuccessful because I did not have the right mindset and lacked the proper tools. 

I have never been a traditional girl, ask my mother, she'll tell you I have always had to 'experience things myself in order to learn the lessons', lol. A little heard headed brat if you ask me, but it is who I  am. But because of this I have learned to appreciate that my fairytale won't be traditional either. It won't be all peachy and it may take longer than normal; but it will happen and it will be the best damn fairytale ever told. I will be resilient, strong, happy, loving, kind, funny, caring, considerate, compassionate, and compromising. I will have struggles, there will be pain, grief, sadness, hardships, times of reevaluation and reflection. But I will survive and I will have one hell of a fairytale story to tell. I know now that  God didn't intend for my story to be simple. He didn't mean for my happiness/journey to love  to be easy so that I take it for granted. He meant for it to be just what it is now but I can appreciate it now. I know that when God lets me know 'he' is the man for me, that it will be and there will be nothing in the way of allowing it to come to fruition. I know that once I find that love, it will be endless and everlasting. It will be fulfilling and spectacular.

Because of the way I have always felt about love and being loved, it is sometimes difficult for me to keep my expression of love to myself. I am a lover who is known by her friends as a hopeless romantic who can't help but to love deep when I love someone, friend or otherwise. I know you have yet to be able to accept or give love again, and I truly understand your reasoning for that. But I can't deny the love in my heart. You mean the world to me as a friend and I can't lie... I would love for things to progress to the next level between us at some point...when you're ready...if I'm the one you choose. Just know I have chosen you! Only time will tell what will be, but I am hopeful and I am in no rush.

My fairytale isn't over, I have noblest hope and I will not give up. I am trusting in the Lord to send me my Prince Charming in his own time; a time when he feels I am ready. I am enjoying the friendship journey and the journey to finding myself to much for a title to cloud my view. I have learned that it is the small things that mean so much a make for a lasting relationship; no matter what type of relationship that may be. 

You will always and forever be in my heart even if we don't make it to the next level. I will cherish our friendship, good times and bad, for forever.



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