In Limbo

Friday, December 28, 2018

It's been while.... and hopefully my blogging hiatus is over. I have taken some time off  to process and make sense of the tailspin I have been in the last few months. The last 4 years of my life have been some of the most exhilarating and at the same time some of the most challenging. Looking back, I realize I lost parts of me in you. It is time for me to get reacquainted with who I am and 

Who I want to become.

Let me take you back a bit:

In August of this year, I went through the most traumatizing event in my life thus far. After 4 years of being involved, my situationship finally came to a screeching halt. In the aftermath of the first two months without him in my life daily,  I could barely accomplish anything; something as simple as taking a shower was too much for me to bear because it meant waking up and removing my fragile body from bed. I became emotionally unglued and so empty I had not a single tear to shed.  I spent every waking moment thinking about you and why things had to end so abruptly. I wracked my brain trying my best to come up with any explanation as to why you chose someone else to officially be your girlfriend and have the pleasure of being introduced to your family. I beat myself up over the things I could and could not control that happened between us. 

I was wandering- I was lost.
I was the barely living - I was
the walking dead. 

There were many nights, and plenty days where focus was vacant from the forecast and filled with fog. I became overly obsessed with thoughts of you and completely distraught that it had all ended. I begged for another chance, I pleaded my case but nothing could change your mind or stop the insanity and the madness going on in my head. Everyday I prayed that things would change and nothing seemed to move. Nothing seemed to get better. Nothing made me happy. There was an unbareable pain in my chest that never seemed to cease.  The never-ending stabbing I felt as the hours went by was to much to bear. I reached out to those who I trust, but they were unavailable. Because of who I had become, not only had I lost you, I had also lost a friend of 15 years because of my intoxicating rage and my inability to control my emotions. 

Day in and day out the more I felt myself losing control, the more I began to realize I needed help to get me through. I searched the web for psychiatrists and kept reaching our to my aunt and my mentor until one day they answered my call. I was finally able to articulate to someone the pain I was feeling. I was finally able and somewhat willing to accept help from someone who actually wanted to offer a realistic solution. They all did their best to help me ease the pain and find a way to unbury myself from the pile of shit I was buried beneath. I was putting myself through myself thru hell with know tools or direction as to what to so to help myself.  It wasn't easy and I wasn't always nice. I didnt always listen and I wasn't always positive. But day by day it got a little easier. I couldn't see the light in the beginning, but after time passed, I began to see my way out of misery and I began shoveling my way thru the tunnel. 

Today I am here to tell you that:
'trouble don't last always' !

The obstacles that we go through are there to build us up; make us stronger, more resilient individuals. I swear, I LITERALLY didn't believe I would live though this situationship break up. I called upon death more times than I care to admit while going through the first two months, but I am here and stronger than I believe I have ever been. Loving someone more than you love yourself is unhealthy and will take you 'down through there' if you know what I mean. Loving someone who does not love and respect you in return is hurtful and emotionally damaging to ones entire being. 

Only 4 months into my healing but....

Knowing what I know now, I will build upon the things I have learned from this situation so that I do not repeat history. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means healed but I am in a much better mental & emotional state than I was before. Four months (out) will not repair the 4 years (of time, money, effort, damage, hurt and pain) that I put into this relationship. I have learned to be patient with myself and count each small step of progress as a victory on my road to recovery.

After these 4 short months, I have become more productive, more positive, and am even able to hold a text conversation with Fairfield (when I want to-I do not always reply when he text, and I don't reach out to him as often as I did before) without becoming angry, resentful, sad, or getting in my feelings. I have learned that although you did make me smile and I felt you were the one; you were not on the level I need 'my man' to be. It is clear to me that you want to remain stagnant and complacent with what you have and what you desire in life. I am more ambitious and more open to change; you are resistant. And although I learned a lot from you,  I desire more in a partner than you are currently able to provide for me.

For years I felt as though I did not have a voice. I am an introvert who can be extra sensitive at times. Amongst my friends - I was the quietest, the one who was most taken advantage of . But by the time I met Fairfield, at the age of 31, I had grown tired of being run over and not having a voice and being unable to speak my mind. Though there were times I went overboard and should have had more self control and the ability to shut my mouth, it was clear that you did not like that I was willing and able to stand up for myself when I felt I was being wronged. In the beginning you embraced and seemed to love this about me, but after a few years you tried to silence me and my opinions and were engaged hen I didn't back down and bow down. In relationships, I can be submissive but the way in which you prefer your submission is quite different. With you, I must never go against the grain, never disagree with you or  respectfully argue my point. If I disagreed, it was best to nod and move on. And even then there was often a problem. Either I am saying too much or not saying enough. This became the never ending cycle of insanity between us that ultimately led to our demise. I am stronger, more ambitious, more willing to take risks and always trying to better myself (and you)  more so than the women you prefer to actually give your real time and love to. I will support, and take up for what I believe instead of bowing down to you and his double standards. you do not live by this however, I believe that:

If the rule applies to me, it must apply to you as well. 

Now- for a guy who says 'you are not who I want', 'I do not want to be in a relationship with you', 'I never loved you the way you think, only as a friend', and to blatantly tell you that you act like a 'little girl', 'you are immature', and say things like 'you are crazy', 'you are a basket-case' - you would think that after you have moved on and gotten a girlfriend and actually acknowledged 'the gf/bf title', you would leave the girl you said all those awful things to alone


Welp, that is not the case, which leaves me confused, not invested or concerned, just plain confused. You say it is merely a sexual thing and nothing more, but how could you allow yourself to want anything even if it is 'just sex' with a person you cannot stand and who wasn't unworthy of your time, your love, and a title? How could you risk engaging in the very thing that ruined your marriage with someone you finally give a title to for someone you couldn't care less about? Its been 5 years and hella women in and out your life since your divorce, yet when you decide to give love a try again, you have changed nothing about the way in which you go about handling your relationships and the women you 'SAY YOU LOVE'?


At this point, I am thanking you. Thanking you from saving me from a lifelong commitment to hell. Now, I am not saying you cannot change one day and be exactly who I want need and have loved all along, because anyone can change, I have myself. But as you are now, I cannot allow myself to be blinded anymore by who I want you to be and who I thought you were when we first met. No lie, I still sometimes daydream about what could have been and if there will ever be another opportunity for us again, but I am no longer making you a priority on my list of "to-do's". I am now my #1 priority followed my my sweet daughter (who by the way still mentions you at least twice a week). Whether good or bad or both, you  definitely made a lasting impression on both our hearts and I know we will both love you always. 

But until that day comes when something in the universe shifts and places us back in each others lives on a different level, I will continue to fight for my healing and my growth. I will forever remember to not ever forget who I am or get so lost in a man that I lose myself. I will remember the heartache you caused and the lessons I've learned. I will cherish the times we had and store away the love we had. For I may have loved and lost, but I won't ever love and forget, YOU. The good times and the bad are what have made me who I am and encouraged me to become who I want to be. No other event or person in my life has made this much impact. I was face to face with myself and didn't recognize who I was. I saw things about myself I don't ever want to see again. I became someone whom I pray won't ever rise again. But yet and still, I thank you. 

While I walk in limbo thru the next stages of my life, I will LIVE it to the fullest. I will continually strive to be a better version of me; a me I can be proud of for years come. I will not be ashamed of the wreckless, immature, and irresponsible mistakes I made in my past, but I will embrace them for they are the very things that molded and continue to mold me.

Who knew the delicate fragile broken pieces I called 'me', would begin to heal and blossom into a woman of strength, beauty, confidence, and courage. I still have not so good days, but they no longer outweigh my bad and for that I am glad. 

Special thanks to: 
DKT, DCS, Doses of Khandi, and DKB


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