Never Can Say Goodbye: The Final Chapter - Love you Still

Thursday, September 6, 2018

It is  Thursday, September 6th, 7:06 am. I am sitting at my desk trying to sort through my thoughts and slow down my racing mind. I am suppose to be here writing about my 1 year blog anniversary (that I missed on August 30th), but instead I am here to clear my mind of the events that have taken place over the last 3 weeks.

The end began just one day before I left for my cruise to the Bahamas, August 15th. I was having a conversation with Fairfield that started innocent and fun an turned out the be the beginning of the end of our relationship. One misunderstanding sabotaged the 4+ (almost 5) year long relationship/friendship I had with the man I believed would be my lifetime lover, friend, and partner.

I am in disbelief that someone I have spent so much time with and given so much of myself to, would-could walk away from me with nothing short of a second thought. We have at some point both threatened to cease communication with one another, but never managed to complete the task. But I am here today to tell you that that day has come, and it has come far to soon for me. I have been stronger than I imagined - not reaching out to him in the mist of his departure. But he has still managed to reach out to me 4 times over the course of the last 3 weeks. I have responded to some of his attempts and ignored others in order to prevent the pain from resurfacing it nasty little head. Each time I hear from him feels like the knife being inserted and ripped out all over again.

On last night, I reached out for the first time in an attempt to unemotionally express the need to make a clean break from our friendship without him reaching out like he had been doing -  attempting to be concerned with how I had been doing, as he had done the day before. The plethora of emotions I have floating within me is absolutely overwhelming. I have so many unanswered questions, so many emotions I am trying to suppress in order to prevent more emotion from resurfacing and kicking me in the ass.

A friend of mine, one who has wanted me to leave Fairfield from the day I met him, sent me a tweet yesterday that read; "have you ever had a breakup without even dating? That shit hurts like a motherfucker". He sent it as a shot to me for having feelings for a man who never wanted me, but I received it as nothing but the truth. It hit home that I have been giving my all to a man for the past 4+ (almost 5) years that... after the turmoil in out relationship, never intended on me being his forever. This tweet made me realize that I have done all I can do. There is nothing more I can do but move on, and love myself as much as I have been loving him.

But yet I am still here in this place where I feel almost numb, almost immovable. Fragile, afraid, defeated and all alone. I replay the words he's said over and over in my head trying to understand why I stayed so long. Trying to forget the things we've done, places we've been, time we've spent and love we once shared. I would be fooling myself if I said I don't think the reason for him dismissing me was because he found a woman with whom he has decided he wants to give a chance. A woman he feels he can love in a way he could never see himself loving me. The more I think about it, the more I feel anger, sadness and resentment, so I am trying to keep those thoughts out of my head and fill it with positivity bout finally breaking free. So far I have failed. Just like I failed at becoming his woman; his wife.

Listening to the radio, walking through my home, cooking a meal, going on vacation, watching a television sitcom, seeing the battle rappers I follow on Instagram, hearing his voice, remembering things he's said (both kind and hurtful), the agonizing pain of hearing my daughter ask me to call him up or her asking to see him..... No matter what it is, no matter where I turn there are reminisce of him lurking around hindering my progress to forget him. It has become a daily routine that I listen to Ann Marie's 'Unlove you' track. I don't know if it is pure torture or a healing device. But even when it is not playing I am still singing, even at this very moment...

'I wish I could forget you, wish I could unlove you. Wish that I could go back to the days before I met you. Then maybe you can't hurt me like you do, make me feel the way you do, keep me running back to you. I wish I could rewind'

I keep saying 4 years 4 nothing, but nothing can erase or replace the time I spent with him. The good times and the bad have taught me so much about being me. I have learned so much about how to and how not to communicate, having self control, keeping and sharing feelings when the time is right. There are at least a hundred things I could list that I have learned from this relationship and from him that I will take with me into the future that will better me as a woman. Although I am engulfed with so much emotion right now, I still manage to say a few nice things about him and myself as well. I use these brief moments as reminders that I WILL BE OKAY in the end. The random compliments I strum up are a sign all hope is not lost and a glimpse at the amazing woman I am becoming.

Everyone says that time heals all wounds. I know not whether this is true, but I do know that in time things will get better. A dear friend told me today, 'If he doesn't miss me in my absence, my presence is pointless". I will take this notion along with others I have heard during this tying time and apply them to sticky notes all over my house to help get me through. I am going to allow myself to heal from the hurt and the pain of losing my very best friend and lover by taking things one moment and one day at a time. I will come out victorious and a much stronger woman for what I have endured. Until then I must face each day as it comes and learn to cope through his existence instead of running. This relationship I have shared with him has caused me to grow up, face reality, and put on a coat of armor to shield my heart.

I will forever miss him and he will forever be the love of my life. I will forever love him, he will forever be embedded in my heart.

I love you Fairfield, I always will. Missing you already!

Love YWG

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