Diary of a Boring Black Girl: Day by Day

Monday, September 17, 2018

Sept. 7

Today as we were texting one another and I felt compelled to pick up the phone and call. We spoke for about 45 minutes. I believe we were both able to release what was on our mind, at least I know I was. I spoke to you with care, compassion, and respect. I was calm, able to control my feelings and get across how I was feeling without unleashing the beast. It was an easier conversation than I anticipated it would be, being that we had not spoken on the phone (only text) since August 15. I shared my future dreams and expectations I had preplanned in my mind for us. I told you that from the day I met you in Moe's I knew you were the one (I feel like) God had sent to me to one day be my forever after.

In closing, I expressed how much I truly hoped for you to find someone to love you, but more importantly for you to find someone you yourself could love and commit to wholeheartedly without the desires of fulfilling spare time with random additional women. I told you I loved you then, I love you now and I always will. You in return said that you love me too, that you would miss me and you wished me well.

Seconds later I received a text stating, "Thank you for being so complementary of me in your parting conversation". This made my heart smile, as I had no idea the words I spoke were even resonating with you. I even expressed to you while on the phone that I didn't think anything I was saying would make a difference to you and that you probably wouldn't even believe the words I was saying, because you said yourself that you had no trust in me whatsoever anymore. I was under the impression I was wasting my time with the words I was saying to you (but I still let them flow), so it was heartwarming to receive that text from you. Even if you only expressed you appreciated me being complementary of you (and not inclusive of how I felt about us and my feelings towards you). Nevertheless I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you one last time. I was surprisingly relieved after talking with you. I felt a weight was lifted from my spirit and I was no longer filled with anger or resentment. I don't know how long this will last, but I will embrace the peace and comfort I was given for as long as I can.

Sept. 10

As I begin my day being awakened by the sound of  my 'Living my best life-Card B' alarm tone, I struggle at the ability to get my tale out of bed. I begin to wake up my daughter, who is right next to me, to get her ready for school, and she tells me, "mom my eyes aren't ready, they want to stay closed".
Alas, I am finally able to get us both up and running, and the 1st thing that comes to my mind is you. I noticed I had a SMS notification on my iPhone and before I even opened it up, I was subconsciously hoping it would be a message from you. Although it was not you, I still had you on my mind. The entire trip to my morning drop off, I was reminded of you and things we had done together as I pulled up to Raelyn's school.

After drop off, I head into work. I am a bit tired from the weekend, staying up till 5 am conversing with my mentor about life and about my recent love loss. I am eager to journal about my weekend/ and days since the end of us began, to sort out my emotions and help me through each  coming day. Although I have had a semi busy day at work I have still not managed to get you off of my mind. But I am proud of myself. Before when things were rocky with you and I, I often was unable to physically or emotionally function well enough to remain at/be productive at work. Today I am functioning well and and getting things both personal and professional accomplished.

While I am in he midst of journaling about my day today, I received a call from my mother. We spoke about general topics and asked one another how our day was coming along. I then asked her how her date went with daddy this weekend. Upon finishing that up, the inevitable happened. My mom asked me about Fairfield. I took a deep breath, as I have been avoiding this conversation with her for nearly 3 weeks. Mom knows Fairfield and knows briefly of our relationship and the trials we have been through. I carefully explained to her what happened, and where I am emotionally. I expressed it is still fresh and that I cannot dwell on it in detail with her at the moment. She shared her wisdom and words of advice and comfort, and let me know that she understood it was difficult for me to discuss right now. She understood why he said he has lost all trust in me because she too has lost all trust in me at one point within recent years. She completely understood his reasonings for walking away as well and my disappointment in myself for causing things to escalate to the point of no return.

Today is Day3 - I am learning to be strong and hold my head up high, mask my emotions and not wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am learning that each day gets better. Each day I am discovering a little more. Every moment I am striving to be a better person and let go of the indiscretions of my past so they do not control nor effect my future or future relationships.

My intentions have always been to treat others well, be kind, and to uphold my morals & values. But as I reflect on this relationship, it brings back memories both past and present, of times in which I have-not been so good to others; especially the ones I love. I am not proud. It is disheartening and makes me afraid to hear what those I love would say about me in death. Therefore it is my goal to work towards loving myself so I will be able to love others they way they deserve to be loved.

People in my life have failed me - because I first failed them.

Sept. 13-Sept.16

It's been several days of silence and peace. I start my day off with a remembrance tattoo early in the morning around 10 am. Once I finish, go home, nap and am on my way to work. I hear my SMS go off and it is none other that that famous choo-choo tone of the one and only Fairfield. I read the message and it says 'Hi Summer'. I took several minutes to ponder on whether or not I was going to respond. Alas, 12 minutes later I reply 'Hi' back. As I am under the impression he only wanted to speak and say hello, and then return to silence as he has done many times before, this time I was wrong. Again I hear my choo-choo text tone. I take a deep breath as I have no idea what to expect. The message reads, 'how are you doing'? In my head I have a million responses going thru my mind as to what to say to him; how the hell do you think I am doing, why the hell do you even care, and so many more. Again I take moments to gather myself before responding. I wanted to be sure I came off mature, calm and in control of the words I was going to type back to him. I informed him that I am doing great and there is no need for him to continually check in on me. What did I do that for. He is so entrapped in his negative way of thinking that he jumps on the fact that he wholeheartedly believes I was intending on telling him what to do, that he replies, 'Don't tell me what to do'. This is the exact dialogue I was trying to avoid. I assured him I was not telling him what to do, just simply that I am doing well and he doesn't need to worry about me. As you may assume, this resulted in on and off texts the remainder of the day into the evening. Nothing heavy but he did invite me over to see him; I politely declined.

I do not recall us messaging one another on Friday, (if we did it there is nothing that comes to mind), but on Saturday I opened a bag of worms when I text him on my way to work. I text him inquiring about a previous arrangement we had and ended up being called all sorts of names inclusive of being told that I wasted the last 4 years of his life and he wished he had never been involved with me. Hurtful yes, but nonetheless, I did not allow his anger or nastiness affect the way in which I responded or felt about myself. I have yet to do something for another individual and had an ulterior motive. The only motive was being a kind friend and helping someone I care about in their time of need. So it hurt hearing that he felt I only did it to hold it over his head and that I was evil for not doing things out of the kinds of my heart.

By now I have been reeled back in and keep texting anything just to keep the conversation moving along. Knowing that he would still respond back is what kept my fingers typing. Knowing that as long as I said something I could still see his name flash across my screen. Even though I know I should have ended the conversation long ago - its something about knowing he's still in contact with me. My Sunday was drab and I spent most of my Saturday & Sunday lying in bed - no television, no lights. I know that I have to keep going, keep moving on, but I stopped receiving random how are you doing, good morning, etc texts I would be able to move on much faster. But instead, I get set back each time he reaches out. He's the one who called it quits, so why is he still contacting me is my question. I told him had moved on and he immediately assumes I have moved on with another man. Haha - yeah I thought it was funny too. Whether is it true or a part of his fantasy, is none of his business, and I intend on keeping it that way.

I ended the conversation with a long, strong, firm message to him stating that I am fine, do not check on me unless it is about our arrangement. Told him that his hurtful words cut deep and would be lasting. As I sit here on Monday morning telling you about the events of the weekend, I am wondering if I did the right thing. Do I really want to stop receiving the random texts from him, because they allow me to think I am still on his mind and that maybe-just maybe he misses me too.
Now I will spend the coming days in anticipation wondering if he will abide by my wishes and not text or live by his own rules and texts when he wants to as he has been doing all along.

Only time will tell,

Stay tuned.....

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