Heavy Load: Reflections of Others Laid Upon Me

Monday, February 25, 2019
My heart aches. No one understands, yet everyone tries to give me advice or tell me what to do. I am either looked at as crazy or one seeking pity. I have a new found anger inside of me and the flames are surging higher each and every day. I am lost and confused. I do not not know what to do, who to be, or whom to listen to. Tears well up in my eyes but they never fall. People close to me turn their backs. I feel as though I lose someone everyday not in death, but in burnt bridges. There's a difference between us holding on by a ragged thread; wanting to break free but not strong enough to break the tie. My heart yearns to be loved so much that I have sacrificed myself, my soul, my entire being-to be who someone else needed me to be for them. And I still failed; I still missed the mark.  The pain I feel is unbearable. I can hardly make it though the day. I've tried it my way, I've tried it theirs. But no matter which way I turn I end up back in the same place. I end up where I started.

The decisions I make are sometimes of poor judgment because I am either basing it off of what others think I should do or out of the anger and pain I feel in the moment. I am not proud to say this but it's true. Everything in my life right now makes me feel so blue. All I want is to start anew. I fear if I do not have that chance to start again, my life may soon come to an end. The pain is real. They think I'm a fraud and my hurt is all a ploy for attention. They think I am making nothing into a big ordeal. I want to be around to always protect my daughter to love her; to be there for her in ways I feel no one has been there for me. 

This decision plagues me and I am driving myself insane with all of these hard decisions I need to make. The constant chatter going on in my head from myself and others telling me what to do has become completely unbearable and entirely too much to deal with. I am on overload and I do not know how to move forward in peace. I can barely maintain a conversation or a positive thought. Work is burning me out and and everyone around me is vanishing fast.

Am I sicker than I imagine myself to be? I am a good person, but am I really if no one else is able to see that side of me?  What the f@%* am I doing in this world floating by day to day. In a daze, a whirlwind, a maze. No one cares for me but I care for everyone. What am I missing. What am I doing wrong. I don't ask for much, just to be happy, healthy and in love with a beautiful family, great career and financially able to give my family not only what they need, but also what they want. Am I dreaming? Is this impossible to achieve? Are my dreams only a nightmare? This is too much, I can hardly breathe.........

You may not get it or care to understand. But don't call me names because you have no empathy. Don't shame me for how I feel especially if you've never been in this place before. My journey is not yours and yours is not mine. But if you feel I have been wasting your time, then I am certain you've also wasted some of mine. If you cannot accept me for who I am flaws and all, turn-walk away and let me be. Don't contribute to my downfall. It's hard enough with the cards I've been dealt, the genes I inherited and the depression sometimes looms over me. I have too much on my plate that I cannot bare. Don't judge me either, it's not your. place. All of you in some way have helped put me in this place - with your demeaning comments, calling me names, misleading and mistreating, broken promises, miscommunication and all the lies. I didn't get here all on my own. I trusted you and had faith in our friendship. I internalized and became all the negative things you said about me. I am who you say I am even though I am not. Confusing right. Yes, I know. I feel that way too. Sometimes I think I am a basket case, crazy, scary in a sense of I make others afraid of what I may do, immature, selfish, the devil, fake...... I could go on and on with the names I've been called. But when I am feeling better I refute these things cause I know I am kind, hard working, loyal, will help anyone, caring, educated, financially stable, compassionate, will sacrifice for others, will compromise, and so so many more good things. But when you are the only one that sees the good in yourself, it makes you .... wellAt least me, second guess that belief when all you hear is the negative things from those you thought were your friends and often family; those you thought cared the most. 

The weight of the world is on top of me and right now, I just can't breathe.....

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