Words Kill

Saturday, March 28, 2020

I am a lover. I am kind. I am caring. I am dedicated. I am worthy. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am....

I am a monster. I am a sinner. I am a fraud. I am a liar and a deceiver. I am worthless. I am crazy. I am   a home wrecker. I am a fool. I am dumb and stupid. I am a failure. I am a betrayer. I am hopeless. I am weak. I am afraid. I am broken. I am negative. I am sarcastic. And I am to blame!

I have been used. I have been abandoned. I have been lied to. I have been betrayed. I have been told I am nothing. I have been told I will never find anyone to love me. I have been abused, both mentally & physically. I have been made fun of. I have been called names. I have been rejected. I have struggled. I have messed up. I have lost my hope. I have lost my faith.

Why do I torture myself with the thoughts that I am unloved and always will be? Why does it hurt so bad to be alone? Why do I try so hard to show you - me....and always end up losing. Is it fair? Is it karma? Is this my punishment for the awful things I have done? Do I deserve loneliness because I chose to be with other women's men or do I too deserve true unconditional love from a man because  of the good I have done rather than the bad?

These wounds I have seem like they will never heal. I address them, think they have healed, only to feel them rip open again and again. Is this why you say I can't be loved? My pain and my baggage are too much? So you bow out and say you're not good for me, when in all honesty you know I am no good for you?

Most amazing women are are not out in the world just single. Someone has seen the amazing in them,  and they are no longer alone. If I am so amazing, why haven't you or anyone else made me their woman? If I am so amazing, why do you back away instead of coming closer? 

Friends first is what they say builds the best most long lasting relationships & marriages.  But when 'he' says, "we can still be friends", take that as a sign that HONEY....you aren't gonna make the cut no matter what you do or don't do, no matter what you say or don't say, or how much you change for the better or the worst....Just make the decision to be friends or walk away. Cause when he says that....better believe that's all u gonna get. When a man is turned off...aint no turning back on #lifelesson

What am I doing wrong? What can I do right? When will I be able to love and be loved without a fight? 

I don't want to be looked at or thought of as 'that girl so desperate for love she'd do anything to have it'. I want to be that girl my man can live with not without. 

Do I love me you say? Well yes I do, but to what degree? It seems to always be others before me. I've taken my time to learn to love me, but when I drown myself in ounces upon ounces of alcohol, I lose who I am. I lose all the progress I have made. I make myself look like a fool. The all of the name calling and down talking myself resurfaces. It's a cycle that I can end if I put my drinking to an end.

This I'm sure makes no sense. But it is what's on my mind. And right now my mind is in a whirlwind as I reflect on the stupid decisions I have made the last 5 months.  I am beyond ashamed. I wish there was something I could do to change what I have done and the things I have said. 

Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know whatcha gonna get. I am taking back my control, renewing my faith and trusting myself and trusting God as I move forward. I will hold on tight for the road ahead. Maybe I will see you there, maybe I won't. But no matter who gives up on me or walks away, I have to remember to not give up or walk out on myself again.....


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