Sunday, March 29, 2020

Today is March 29, 2020 and the world is in a major crisis. The pandemic outbreak of COVID-19 (the Coronavirus) has the entire world shook. People panicking, people dying, and some not reacting at all to the seriousness of it all.  Most states in the US have implemented curfews and shut down non-essential businesses. The world is in total chaos.

I set out to write a post this morning and had no idea what I wanted to write about, so I asked 2 of my friends if they had any thoughts. It was suggested that I blog about the current pandemic. At first I hesitated because my life has not changed much due to the 'mandatory' shutdown, so I decided to look back at my old posts and read a few for inspiration.

I noticed an overwhelming similarity of the same ole same "I'm changing, I'm in a better place, I feel better...."


After reading past posts and a few moments of silence, I noticed the similarities in what is going on across the country feels like a mirror image of what I have been mentally and emotionally battling my entire life... I opened a new document and began to type.

This pandemic outbreak has caused: fear, anxiety, storing up on supplies, requirements/orders to stay home, limited interaction with people (even loved ones) to decrease the spread of disease., and even death.

The disease taking over me has caused: fear, anxiety, poor judgement, storing up & internalizing negativity people speak over me-feeling it and taking it on as my own truth, staying isolated from others, and previous thoughts of suicide.

As I read through some of my older posts, I was sickened and disgusted with the amount of times I said "I am in a better place", or "I have made so much progress", or "I will no longer degrade myself or speak down on myself, I am going to speak positivity over me, love me, and treat me the best that I can".

                                                                      IT IS 

I am saying-doing-writing-living the same crap over and over expecting different results.

I don't want to take anything away from myself nor the progresses I have made thus far, but let's face it, this shit ain't  working! I feel defeated at ever corner turn, every hurdle I jump and every obstacle I encounter. Ten steps forward, 25 steps back. So it's like every time I do this I land back in the same place I started before, I backslide. So am I really even making any progress that I believe I am making or believe I have made? What is getting in my way? Why aren't the plugs sparking any connection?

I have clearly been attempting to create permanent change in my life in all aspects, but I cannot seem to stay on track. It is discouraging. It causes anger when I fail. It causes hurt when I relapse and begin to doubt myself and proceed to give up. I want to be all that I believe I can be. I want to be all that God has called me to be-but there is a major disconnection that I cannot locate to rewire.

Maybe it's love. Maybe love is the disconnection. Could it be love that connects everything back together for me?  I do not know, but I sure wish I did.

Fighting to be loved. Fighting to overcome the 'self-quarantined epidemic' of hell I have built in my head has spread so deep I don't know if I can ever be cured. Will I ever be able to find the solution to getting rid of the trash that fulfills me? Is there a way to go forward and not fall backwards? Am I just clumsy, haha? But seriously, there has got to be a way for me, myself and I to resolve my constant inability to make better decisions.

I am tired of living in a whirlwind. I am tired of feeling alone and misunderstood. I am tired of believing and feeling in my soul I have crossed the finish line only to wake up still sad, still alone, still in the same places as I have been before. No matter how good my days become, it's been proven that my dark days will return. They may not be as bad as the last time, there may be no depression, but there is always an overwhelming surplus of OCD coming my way. Overthinking, replaying things in my mind, trying to fix things I have broken, repair friendships and relationships I have ruined. The more I try to fix anything, the more damage I cause.

Much like the current pandemic, I must take another look and dig deeper to find the root of the problems I am having, reevaluate (once again) my approaches, and find a solution to stopping the spread of this virus that is embedded in me. The world has set in place precautions of isolation/quarantine to prevent the unnecessary spreading of the virus. I need to do the same. I have been isolating myself for years but not in this 'new' capacity I speak of. I need to quarantine myself from the thoughts and influences of individuals that bring toxicity into my life. I need to quarantine myself.....FROM MYSELF also! I have to make a moment to moment, interaction to interaction conscious decision to be happy. To be positive. To not allow others feelings about me become my own feelings of myself. I have to stop explaining my I am the way I am and just be me! Not everyone will get me. Not everyone will accept me. Not everyone will be nice to me or be good for me. I have to accept that and get out of my own way. I have to stop trying to fix it all. Stop blaming myself all the time and understand that things in life happen for a reason.

So this time in order to combat a full setback, I am going to set tangible goals to help me achieve permanent change in my behavior. These are a few new things I plan to implement going forward in addition to the current steps I am taking.


                                                         PUT DOWN MY PHONE!
             I use my phone as a shield. I use it to hide behind. When something is bothering me, the first thing I reach for is my phone. I begin typing to no avail until I get it allllllll out. It's never good and I more often than not, end up with my foot in my mouth and shit I cannot take back. I have a total OCD obsession with repeatedly texting a person because I don't want them to "forget me" or to apologize, or to explain myself. ALL OF WHICH are destroying all of my relationships before then even have a chance to begin.

                                  POST POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS AROUND THE HOUSE
           This idea came from the television series 'Being Mary Jane'. I though it was pretty cool how she had sticky notes all around her home with various quotes, positivity and affirmations to encourage her outlook on life and to get her through the day. I have though about doing this, but never took the steps to complete the task. I think this could be a good addition to my healing and my survival.

                                                                READ MORE
           I have been collecting a few books lately with the intention to add something new to my life. All I do is work, go grocery store and spend time with my daughter and family. Pretty much work and home. I have realized  that 'I'm that girl' who knows very little about very little...lol
I want to expand my knowledge base by reading more on politics, mental illness, read other womens' blogs, podcasts, and pay more attention to the news as well. I watch a lot of TV, but its never anything I can learn from-just pure entertainment.

I don't want to put too many things on my plate at once, so I am goin to start by incorporating these 3 things into my daily lifestyle and see if it will help me make more permanant changes in my actions and my behavior. I am tired of the insanity. It's time to jump off this rollercoaster. I've said it once, I'll say it again until I accomplish it. I will rid myself of this disease of insanity and survive COVID-19 and MYLYFE-36.

Dear BamaBoy,
I am an amazing woman! Not everyone will see that and that is okay. But the ones that see how awesome I am will accept me for who I am. They will love me at my worst. I know I may be difficult to handle at times, but I promise you, it is worth the wait. I am worth the wait. I am worth the effort, worth the time, and worth the love. It took BamaBoy telling me this a few nights ago for it register to me that I AM AMAZING! Even if you don't accept me as I am or believe I am good enough for you. I have 1 question: how will you know until you allow me to be my true self with you? Meeting you, believe it or not, gave me hope. And then I ruined it. I 'did too much' as you put it. It is a fact. I did too much, but I did it because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to walk away. So I gave you a disclaimer so you could run away in the beginning, instead of later on. But my tactics did just the opposite. The constant need to communicate with you and the constant acts of selfishness were overwhelming. All you asked of me was to go slow and to give you time. You had a lot on your plate. I FAILED. And I am the only 1 of us, still sitting here wishing I had made better decisions. You say you're not ready for a relationship. Well clearly I am not either. But it would be so so nice to be your friend. To start over as friends with no expectations. But by your tone and the few words you have spoken, this is an impossible possibility. I fell for you far too soon and I set myself back. I began over drinking and over texting. I know it's far too late, but can we be friends? Do you think you can see me in a different light if you see changes in my behavior? If you get to really know me, could you ever love me? Could there ever be a possibility of an 'us'? Who knows? But I am willing to be your friend. I will admit, that that is probably the root of why none of my past potential relationships actually formed into relationships....we were not friends first. Can we just be friends and see what happens...even if friends is all that happens?

1 comment

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