Hi there…. It’s been a while, far longer than usual. It's been a bit harder to find the time to blog these days. Life is always moving at rapid speed and there just doesn't ever seem to be enough time in the day to get everything on my list of to-dos done.
the last 2, two n a half years have gone by at the speed of Speedy Gonzalez or Tazmanian Devil kind of fast. So much has happened. Emotionally, I am healthier than ever, and in a very happy place in my life. But still, things have been wild since my last entry, so sit back for the ride, here it goes.... Enjoy the update!
In February of 2021, I opened a store front for my graphic design business. I was nervous yet very proud of myself and excited for the future as a single black mother, and female entrepreneur. However two months later on April 9, 2021, everything changed. I was laid off from my almost 8 year full time position as Director of Wellness. A position I to this day hold dear. Missing my work family, and my members, many who grew to be like family also. I could feel it coming but kept being told that our jobs (my staff and I) were safe and secure. So you can only imagine the angry shock I felt when we were called in on a Friday and told it was our last day. In my mind I’ve been lied to, blindsided, and am now beyond frustrated. I am freaking out as to how I am going to not only pay my bills at home, but also my newly made bills at my shop, 'The Spot'.
Normally a change of this magnitude would have thrown me into a full on spiraling depression. Stressed because I didn't know where my next check would come from, falling deeper and deeper in debt, losing my self of direction, worth, and independence. But because I chose to take care of me from the inside out in years past along side the efforts I put into healing my mind, body and soul, I was able to lean on God, trust his plan and mentally keep my head above water. I learned to pray more and worry less. I trusted that I had come to far for him to forsake me. I believed that he would see me through, and that is honestly the only thing that helped me keep my faith.
During this time of financial instability, God placed new obstacles, new experiences, and new people into my life. I grew closer to a friend and developed a deeper relationship with her, I met a man-the man I didn't know I wanted or needed... Hell, let's be truthful, I didn't want a man but God said here.... Summer, although you no longer desire to find love, I am going to place someone right in front of you, someone to remind you that you are worthy of the love you no longer desire. I am going to give you that love times two....
Having my independence ripped from under me, no longer able to provide for myself and my daughter in ways I was able to before was a punch straight to the stomach. It sickened me. Made me begin to second guess my abilities, my will-power, my skills... I was second guessing everything. I focused on why! Why me? Why now? After all the time I had spent grinding out of financial hell and emotional instability... WHY NOW?!?!
But I had no time to sit and dwell on the why. I made a promise to myself to fight like hell to avoid going back to that dark place I fought my way out of. I didn't want all of my work to go to waste. I didn't want the countless hours of therapy with the most bad-saa therapist in the history of therapists to fall by the wayside.
But must admit, sometimes even now I catch myself slip here and there. My mind sometimes wanders and tries to play the tricks on me, tries to pull the wool over my eyes. I forget, for a few split seconds that I won that present the battle, but the war isn't over, and there may be plenty more battles coming my way.
Have I truly changed? Am I truly worthy of the amazing love I have been blessed to have? Will it last or will I lose it too one day? Will I give up on me when the fight becomes to difficult? Do I have it in me to keep swinging with the punches? Am I strong enough to win the war?
I love the new life I am living and very grateful for how far I have come. I am blessed beyond measure and utterly thankful to God for the changes he's made in me and in my life, and through my life to others. I could never have gotten here alone. Never would have made it without HIM! I want to continue to tell my story. I want to continue to be a voice for others, and share my testimony in hopes that it will help save someone else from their own self destruction.
~Boring Black Girl
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