The Dating Pool

October 12, 2017

 Let’s talk dating! How many of you single women still get asked on dates? How many of you get asked ‘can we Netflix and chill’? Are you ever respectfully approached by a man? For me, the moments of genuine interest and being asked on a real date are like finding a needle in a haystack; few and far between. Dating at 30 something should be pretty easy right? One would think women in this age group had a pretty good pool of men to choose from. In my area, I don’t know about yours, this is far from the truth. Where are the men who are ready for a commitment, loyalty and love? Have black men and black women lost sense of our foundation and what the relationships of our parents and grandparents were built upon? Are we too caught up in ourselves or with Mr./Mrs. Wrong, to see the possibilities of sharing our worlds with the person who compliments our character? Do we as black women think all the good men locked up or dead? Do you as black men think all women gold diggers and sluts? What has caused our dating pool of good candidates to become so limited, where have all the ‘good men gone’ specifically the one in my own back yard.

  

 By definition, dating is defined by Wikipedia as 'a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage'. And according to The Urban Dictionary, it defines dating as 'being in the early stages of a relationship where two people go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple'. In my experience in the dating world, men just don't get it. Mind you, I am 34, and have only had 2 ‘titled’ boyfriend/girlfriend relationships; one my senior year of high school, and the other as a sophomore in college (and if you’ve read my previous post, you know how that did not end well). All other encounters I have had with guys have been ‘situationships’ I settled for. I am not without flaws, but I tend to believe (and have been told) I am a pretty good catch. I am kind, educated, pretty, loyal, witty; I have a great job, I have my own home, my own car, I am not in any debt (other than those pesky student loans, lol), and I even have my own legit side hustle. It may all sound appealing on paper, but it hasn’t gotten me far in reality. What does it take to get noticed in the eyes of a real man? What is it that I am missing? Are my insecurities and need for attention to much for them to handle (or do I need someone who will not cause said insecurities and who wants to give me attention)? Is my desire to move slowly, not fast enough (or do I need someone willing to take things slow with me and who isn’t trying to remove my panties as first thing on the agenda)? Is my requirement of being treated respectfully, not the treatment they had in mind to give to me? Or is it the fact that I am brushing aside all of my expectations to conform to what they are willing to provide me with, the real issue in my dating life? Being the other girl, being the bank, giving parts of me that aren’t earned nor appreciated, and giving of my time when it’s most convenient for him, are all things I have sacrificed, in order to become the ideal mate; trying to make something work with some man somewhere! Yes, I know this is entirely the wrong type thinking but I feel I have tried it all. I was once that sweet, loving, welcoming young girl with high expectations I mentioned before until that relationship my sophomore year of college that nearly killed me (literally). After that was over, I had become a completely different person. I was broken and I was lost. I no longer knew my worth as a woman. It turned me into someone who would do anything to please a guy (in hopes not to upset him and cause him to hurt me) to make and keep him happy.

  

 Although I have done all of the wrong things (not all the time-but I have) in my search for a solid relationship in the past, for me, dating should be a special time. A time in which you open yourself up to someone (and them to you), to learn more about each other. A time when you go out on dates (not always events where tons of money is spent), to the park, to dinner, bowling, and other places and events around the city. Unfortunately, on my journey to finding Mr. Right, I have run into Mr. Wrong time and time again. The last few experiences I have had meeting new men have not transpired into anything remotely close to a courtship. I have met men online, in person and through friends and all have ended because of our differences in our dating goals. I am dating (well trying to), in hopes of igniting an intellectual connection. They are dating in hopes of getting me into bed. The men I have met have no intention of getting to know me. Their dating style has been restricted to text conversations and their desire to ‘Netflix and chill” - at my house - after dark. Don't get me wrong, and don't think I am a prude, I have tried this route before in my past, it got me nowhere. No closer to a title, nowhere near a future. This last fellow, I met online, turned out to be someone my family knew. We had never met before but because of the rave review about him I received from someone very dear (someone who had direct contact with him for several years), I had high expectations. I was giddy with excitement when I saw his face flashed across my call screen, and eager to respond when he text. But anytime I brought up us going out on a date, he digressed and gave me some excuse as to why he was unavailable. I am a single mother. It is not always easy for me to get away on a whim. I made it clear in the beginning, I needed to plan ahead and make arrangements for her so we could go out sometime. This somehow did not resonate in his brain and in turn, he ended up blaming me for us not seeing each other, besides that 1 meeting at the local Dollar General parking lot, yay how exciting and inviting – Yeah right! The guy before him only wanted to text. We may have used FaceTime 2 or 3 times but other than that it was strictly text. And honestly I couldn’t tell you his REAL first or last name. He played games and gave me the run-a-round on everything. The basis of our conversation was ‘wyd’, ‘you at work’, etc., and him asking if he could come over my place after he got off work (at like 11pm/12 am). I foolishly entertained this nonsense for way longer than I care to admit, just to have someone to ‘chat’ with periodically throughout the day. Oh- did I mention he would disappear for months at a time with no contact and then attempt to return and pick up where we left off? Yeah I got tired of this and stopped answering when he decided to return back in my iMessages.

 Now that I have grown older and come back to my senses (acknowledging my previous beliefs, morals and expectations), this has NO LONGER taken place in my life. I have regained the knowledge and power of knowing my worth and I refuse to settle any longer.

 Knowing the horror stories I have experienced and heard from my friends, I have learned lots of lessons. Yet after all the dead fish I have caught so far in my dating pool, I still have a ray of hope. I still believe that one day, God will provide with the man I want and need and he will be far beyond what I have ever dreamed. He will love me, listen to me, comfort me and console me. We will go on dates until we are 80+, we will share memories far past when we pass away, we will honor and respect one another and we will keep God first in our lives.  
Until then, I will continue swimming around this dating pool, but I will no longer be a fool!



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4 comments

  1. I love your picture for this! Seems accurate lol, but yes that dating scene is very difficult and harsh. It hurts when you start to like someone only to find that their goals for the relationship don't line up with yours. It's time-consuming, but I have high hopes for you!! Don't give up, your king is out there waiting for you somewhere!!

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  2. Thank you! I'm going to keep the hope alive!

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  3. I promise you aren't alone. Thank you for opening up; this is one topic I can't bring myself to write about yet. I wish our stories were rare but they are not. I hope they will be rare for the next generation. I can't change anyone else, but I can change me. I'm just trying to find peace and contentment where I am, for it is better to be in a great relationship WITH yourself, than to be in one BY yourself. Enjoy these precious, fleeting moments; they are still a blessing to be savored. Some days are better than others, but we gotta Keep the faith! Thanls again for sharing.

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  4. I'm jumping back into this same pool after 19 years. I'm just reentering the scene and it's dreadful. However I have hope. I'm ready to meet my guy soon!

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