
The Dating Pool
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Let’s talk dating! How many of you single women
still get asked on dates? How many of you get asked ‘can we Netflix and chill’?
Are you ever respectfully approached by a man? For me, the moments of genuine
interest and being asked on a real date are like finding a needle in a haystack;
few and far between. Dating at 30 something should be pretty easy right? One
would think women in this age group had a pretty good pool of men to choose
from. In my area, I don’t know about yours, this is far from the truth. Where
are the men who are ready for a commitment, loyalty and love? Have black men and black women lost sense of our
foundation and what the relationships of our parents and grandparents were built
upon? Are we too caught up in ourselves or with Mr./Mrs. Wrong, to see the
possibilities of sharing our worlds with the person who compliments our
character? Do we as black women think all the good men locked up or dead? Do
you as black men think all women gold diggers and sluts? What has caused our
dating pool of good candidates to become so limited, where have all the ‘good
men gone’ specifically the one in my own back yard.
By definition, dating is defined by
Wikipedia as 'a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two
people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each
assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage'.
And according to The Urban Dictionary, it defines dating as 'being in the early stages of a relationship where two people go
out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually
being a fully fledged couple'. In my experience in the dating world, men just
don't get it. Mind you, I am 34, and have only had 2 ‘titled’
boyfriend/girlfriend relationships; one my senior year of high school, and the
other as a sophomore in college (and if you’ve read my previous post, you know
how that did not end well). All other encounters I have had with guys have been
‘situationships’ I settled for. I am not without flaws, but I tend to believe
(and have been told) I am a pretty good catch. I am kind, educated, pretty, loyal,
witty; I have a great job, I have my own home, my own car, I am not in any debt
(other than those pesky student loans, lol), and I even have my own legit side
hustle. It may all sound appealing on paper, but it hasn’t gotten me far in
reality. What does it take to get noticed in the eyes of a real man? What is it
that I am missing? Are my insecurities and need for attention to much for them
to handle (or do I need someone who will not cause said insecurities and who
wants to give me attention)? Is my desire to move slowly, not fast enough (or do
I need someone willing to take things slow with me and who isn’t trying to
remove my panties as first thing on the agenda)? Is my requirement of being
treated respectfully, not the treatment they had in mind to give to me? Or is
it the fact that I am brushing aside all of my expectations to conform to what
they are willing to provide me with, the real issue in my dating life? Being
the other girl, being the bank, giving parts of me that aren’t earned nor
appreciated, and giving of my time when it’s most convenient for him, are all
things I have sacrificed, in order to become the ideal mate; trying to make
something work with some man somewhere! Yes, I know this is entirely the wrong
type thinking but I feel I have tried it all. I was once that sweet, loving,
welcoming young girl with high expectations I mentioned before until that relationship
my sophomore year of college that nearly killed me (literally). After that was
over, I had become a completely different person. I was broken and I was lost.
I no longer knew my worth as a woman. It turned me into someone who would do
anything to please a guy (in hopes not to upset him and cause him to hurt me)
to make and keep him happy.
Although I have done all of the wrong things (not all the time-but
I have) in my search for a solid relationship in the past, for me, dating should
be a special time. A time in which you open yourself up to someone (and them to
you), to learn more about each other. A time when you go out on dates (not
always events where tons of money is spent), to the park, to dinner, bowling,
and other places and events around the city. Unfortunately, on my journey to
finding Mr. Right, I have run into Mr. Wrong time and time again. The last few
experiences I have had meeting new men have not transpired into anything
remotely close to a courtship. I have met men online, in person and through
friends and all have ended because of our differences in our dating goals. I am
dating (well trying to), in hopes of igniting an intellectual connection. They
are dating in hopes of getting me into bed. The men I have met have no
intention of getting to know me. Their dating style has been restricted to text
conversations and their desire to ‘Netflix and chill” - at my house - after
dark. Don't get me wrong, and don't think I am a prude, I have tried this route
before in my past, it got me nowhere. No closer to a title, nowhere near a
future. This last fellow, I met online, turned out to be someone my family
knew. We had never met before but because of the rave review about him I
received from someone very dear (someone who had direct contact with him for
several years), I had high expectations. I was giddy with excitement when I saw
his face flashed across my call screen, and eager to respond when he text. But
anytime I brought up us going out on a date, he digressed and gave me some
excuse as to why he was unavailable. I am a single mother. It is not always easy
for me to get away on a whim. I made it clear in the beginning, I needed to
plan ahead and make arrangements for her so we could go out sometime. This
somehow did not resonate in his brain and in turn, he ended up blaming me for us
not seeing each other, besides that 1 meeting at the local Dollar General
parking lot, yay how exciting and inviting – Yeah right! The guy before him
only wanted to text. We may have used FaceTime 2 or 3 times but other than that
it was strictly text. And honestly I couldn’t tell you his REAL first or last
name. He played games and gave me the run-a-round on everything. The basis of
our conversation was ‘wyd’, ‘you at work’, etc., and him asking if he could
come over my place after he got off work (at like 11pm/12 am). I foolishly
entertained this nonsense for way longer than I care to admit, just to have
someone to ‘chat’ with periodically throughout the day. Oh- did I mention he
would disappear for months at a time with no contact and then attempt to return
and pick up where we left off? Yeah I got tired of this and stopped answering
when he decided to return back in my iMessages.
Now that I have grown older and come back to my senses
(acknowledging my previous beliefs, morals and expectations), this has NO
LONGER taken place in my life. I have regained the knowledge and power of
knowing my worth and I refuse to settle any longer.
Knowing the horror stories I have experienced and heard from my
friends, I have learned lots of lessons. Yet after all the dead fish I have
caught so far in my dating pool, I still have a ray of hope. I still believe
that one day, God will provide with the man I want and need and he will be far beyond
what I have ever dreamed. He will love me, listen to me, comfort me and console
me. We will go on dates until we are 80+, we will share memories far past when
we pass away, we will honor and respect one another and we will keep God first
in our lives.
Until then, I will continue swimming around this dating pool, but
I will no longer be a fool!

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I love your picture for this! Seems accurate lol, but yes that dating scene is very difficult and harsh. It hurts when you start to like someone only to find that their goals for the relationship don't line up with yours. It's time-consuming, but I have high hopes for you!! Don't give up, your king is out there waiting for you somewhere!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm going to keep the hope alive!
ReplyDeleteI promise you aren't alone. Thank you for opening up; this is one topic I can't bring myself to write about yet. I wish our stories were rare but they are not. I hope they will be rare for the next generation. I can't change anyone else, but I can change me. I'm just trying to find peace and contentment where I am, for it is better to be in a great relationship WITH yourself, than to be in one BY yourself. Enjoy these precious, fleeting moments; they are still a blessing to be savored. Some days are better than others, but we gotta Keep the faith! Thanls again for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm jumping back into this same pool after 19 years. I'm just reentering the scene and it's dreadful. However I have hope. I'm ready to meet my guy soon!
ReplyDelete