Never Can Say Goodbye: All Falls Down Part 2

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Time has gone by and my friend is no longer in a titled relationship. We have been spending 4 to 5 days in one another’s presence.  I have grown to take a liking to this handsome man and my feelings are growing stronger with each coming day.  The time we spend together is amazing. Foot rubs and forehead kisses are in constant rotation and the conversation is endless. From politics, to television shows, to family & friends, to celebrity gossip and future goals; there was never a moment of silence between us.  But as time kept moving, I became more and more paranoid, more and more insecure in our friendship. I wanted more and he was unwilling to commit on a deeper level. He had been hurt so badly in the past, that he was very cautious and slow to make those bigger steps.

One Sunday, I was unable to reach him on his phone, I wanted to see him and talk to him about a  devastating event that had taken place during my day. No matter how many times I called or the surmountable text I sent, he failed to answer back. My mind started to wonder, thinking that he’s with another woman and I lose it. Little did I know at the time, but this was the beginning of our revolving door of saying goodbye. He was furious with me and I was furious with myself. How could I allow myself to lose control like that? What was I thinking? Once I heard from him he yelled and called me crazy. He was at a friend’s house watching football all day. Told me I had no right contacting him so many times; we are not a couple and he can go where he please when he wants without having to answer to me.  And he was right. I was a loose cannon and needed a reality check. He was so angry that he began ignoring me again, this time on purpose. For those of you who are unaware, being ignored triggers something inside my mind that makes me a spastic crazy person. I am not proud of this trait and am constantly working on combating this ugly feature that diminishes my character. You know, that thing about silence I talked about in a previous blog post, well yeah this is the time to activate it. Just shut up, hold tight and wait; be patient. When things blow over – then talk to him. But nooooo somehow 70% of the time I cannot wait for that. I have to get out my explanation right away or I fear that I will lose whomever I am trying to keep around (don’t be like me). When really and truly, me not giving the people space, is what actually pushes them further away. Ok, back to the story, I made up this huge lie about why I was calling him so much and I finally got him to listen to me; still upset but he listened. I kept to my lie for a month or so but he was so concerned by what I had disclosed to him that he kept grilling me for details of that day.We had seen each other a few time after this but it wasn't until a few visits later that I came clean. One day, face to face I could no longer keep up the lie. I spilled the beans and told the truth. I had been lying all along. This is the single most event  that put a huge wedge between us and it hasn’t been removed since. A few months had passed with little communication and hardly any visits. Then around Thanksgiving we finally began seeing one another again and talking on a somewhat steady basis. But it wasn’t until Christmas that things really began to pick back up again, after I took him off call block (after another disagreement) and noticed he had wished me Merry Christmas. Things went smoothly for months up until July of the following year. The whirlwind of our friendship was beginning to take a toll on us both. We liked each other so much, but didn't like some of each others ways.

During the upcoming months, I began going through my own personal issues that effected me both emotionally and mentally. I started experiencing things that had not reared their ugly head since my breakup with my boyfriend at 19 years of age. I had no idea what was going on but I noticed myself becoming increasingly sad, overly emotional and somewhat detached from the people around me. I only wanted to be alone, on the sofa, mostly with the television off. It was just me and my phone....texting my sorrows to anyone who would listen. Not long after, I started questioning him about our relationship status and discussing being together, as a couple, more often. I began becoming sadder and more upset when he would announce he was STILL not ready. He would say he was seeing multiple women and was just enjoying being a single man for the first time in 12 plus years. He was enjoying his freedom. Hearing this only added fuel to my fire and my line of questioning about who he liked, how much time he was spending with them and so on and so forth. I was stressing us both out.Driving myself into a deeper state of darkness each and every day. Later on in July or August of that year, I could no longer deny that I had a major issue that needed to be addressed. I was even  growing tired of my job and being a mom. Two of the things that gave me great joy! This wasn’t like me and I knew there was something serious going on. I expressed my feelings to my mom and decided to enlist the help of a psychiatrist and seek counseling. Upon visiting the psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with deep depression, and later on bipolar disorder (that's a whole 'nother story).  It was the reason I couldn’t get out of bed most days and my mood shifted modes quicker than you could blink both eyes. After my diagnosis, I was put on medication, it helped, but not enough. However I was able to learn some coping skills from my counselor and our intimate sessions. I didn't stop with the massive amount of text but they were significantly decreased over time, however,I did sometimes still slip up (if i found myself overwhelmed with life). I felt better most days but it still wasn’t enough for me to function as I normally had in the past. I was snippy, bitter, angry, anxious and grumpy. I unknowingly took this out on my guy friend and it didn’t pan out well at all for us. Things kept getting worse and worse. We still text but the calls and the visits slowed and the foot rubs and forehead kisses ceased completely. I had turned him off and ruined whatever trust he had in me. I had let him down in so many ways that it would be hard to regain his trust back in the time I had wished to do so. Our relationship was in danger, but it was in decent enough shape for him to take me on a trip to New Orleans for my birthday that October. We had a blast and it is a trip I will cherish for forever. However, shortly after we returned, things began falling apart at the seams.
Chit chat was minimal and I was just so hurt and disappointed in myself for allowing things to get this bad with the man I felt was sent to me by God to be my husband. Starting in January, he and I didn’t not see each other for 6 whole months. I was angry with him, depressed with life and I had refused to go see him for the reasons in which he had text to see me, to be physically intimate. We argued through text more often than not for 6 months. Don’t get me wrong, there were weeks at a time where we got along but we still were never face to face. April rolls around and it’s time for his birthday. I had grown tired of the situation and told him I was done with him and whatever was left of us (and I was serious this time) I told him it was over. Then the tables began to turn. He was the one texting me repeatedly. When I did not answer his text or calls, I eventually blocked him. Then he began calling from his house number. I didn’t know the number before so I answered- unknowingly-  it was him. He convinced me to listen to what he had to say and invited me to hang out with him for his birthday that coming Friday. I told him I would think about it and get back with him that Wednesday. I had no intention of going or even thinking about going. I just told him so the calls and text would stop. I am a sucker for him and due to my weak nature, I unblocked his number and the texts began coming in. Periodically I would text back but it was all small talk nothing serious. In my heart I was done, but couldn’t seem to let him go. I kept thinking back to the day I met him, the feeling I had and the words I spoke to my cousin, "he's going to be my husband - That's my husband right there". Friday had arrived and he again asked me to go out with him. I did not go. But from that week forward, we did begin texting and talking on the phone. Things were dry, but we were making decent conversation and slow progress.

Fast forward to the end of October- we had started our friendship again and things were going pretty well. No attitudes, no arguments. It was well after 11 pm one night (as he was getting off of work), I was laying in bed and got the urge to call him, (I hadn’t been doing this but decided to this night. I had a feeling in my gut I needed to fulfill) - I couldn’t sleep. I made small talk for a while and then asked him was he seeing anyone serious at the moment. I felt our friendship had grown enough at this point for me to be able to ask him this without negativity. I was right, he answered and he was straight up with me. He told me yes he has been seeing a young lady, but that things were over with them now, as of September. That very moment, my stomach dropped to the pit of my toes (as I am writing this I am reliving the pain and it feels real in this very moment).

Little to my knowing, the last year was ALL A LIE! Every time I had asked him previously who he was seeing, if he was seeing anyone – he always said he was alone. Not serious with anyone. My anger increased with each question following. The hurt and pain was insurmountable that I could barely muster up anything to say. I asked a few questions here and there, but he mainly came out and told me the entire story. I heard things I wished he hadn't disclosed. He had met some young tender (10 years his junior) six months ago in July and was spending all of his time with her. His car had been out of commission for several months and she was taking him to and from work,  letting him use her car, spending the night, practically living there. My teeth clinched when I asked had she met his mom and kids. When he answered yes, I melted, silent tears falling from my face as I listened to him continue the story. He had met both her parents also. Do you know how many times I had asked him to meet my parents over the last 2 years? Do you know how many times I wanted to meet his children and his mother and he refused. I had clung to and gained a respect for his reasoning that he didn’t want to bring just anyone around his kids unless he knew they were going to be together. The pain that this conversation left me with was enough to keep me awake all night long. All my fears had been true and hearing it killed my little soul. He told me that he loved this girl – MAJOR GUT PUNCH. He thought she was the one. They never argued and she was everything he EVER wanted and needed. Once he told me it was over because he wouldn’t truly commit to her either (by putting a title on their relationship and moving forward), she went back to her ex. I could hear it in his voice that he was torn, broken, let down and felt betrayed. In that very moment, I somehow found the strength to put aside my feelings and emotions and I told him I would be there for him, be his friend and help him through. I know what it is like to love someone and they not love you back, or for them to leave you. Hell, I had been through it with him. Although there is a hole in the pit of my soul, and I had no clue how I could get through the pain, I wanted  to be there for my friend when he had no one else close by to help him through this devastating blow. He is a very private person and doesn't let many people in. I took this as an opportunity to rebuild our friendship and regain his trust; after all he was willing to open up to me after so many months. I was relieved and happy, I couldn't let him down again. I vowed to him I wouldn't lie to him again. I made a commitment to be his rock and I was determined to keep my promise.....

No comments

Leave Comments Here:

Follow us on Instagram