Becoming Who I Was Always Meant To Be

November 29, 2017



I am lost, broken, afraid, scared of abandonment. I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder (later misdiagnosed). I am overweight, insecure, irritable, degrading of myself, and sometimes I become enraged with fury.

I am also kind, caring, loving, sentimental, giving, emotional, loyal,looking out for the benefit of others, and empowering. As I take the time to work on myself I am discovering how I became to be who I am at this present moment. There have been many factors that have played their parts in shaping my habits, my behaviors and my personality. Some of the things I am grateful for possessing  and others I am less proud of. Because of the turmoil I've been through (minor to you, major to me), and the unhappiness I have experienced, 5 years ago, I made it my self administered task to dedicate my time to make necessary improvements to become a better me. In the past, I placed to much stock into what others thought of me and internalized their unpleasant interpretation of who they thought I was or who they wanted me to be. Their opinion of me, which was often times very negative, became my opinion of me. Even if somehow, on any given day, I felt good about myself, hearing others voice their belittling comments upon my name quickly led me  to second guess my 'goodness'. My intentions in the deepest of my being are nothing but sweetness and kindness to all. Similar to a pageant contestant giving her "I just want world peace" answer to a posed question by the judges, lol. Although my intentions are good, I do not always convey them in this way.

As you may have read by now, I am an adoptee. I have been with my family since the age of 6 months old and although I have been truly loved, I have often felt 'different' because of my feelings and how I deal with my emotions. The beginning of my internal healing began when I located my biological family 3 years ago. Since then, I have discovered that the reasons for my depression, my fear of abandonment, and many of my insecurities are somehow both directly and indirectly related to my biological roots. However, some of my issues lie within the family in which I grew up with and how I was raised. My parents instilled excellent morals and values in me. Taught me right from wrong and good from bad. All of which I still hold dear, but the one thing that separated us throughout my lifetime was my nasty att-it-tude and my bouts with depression, which caused us to become more and more distant the older I became. I never understood why people didn't get where I was coming from and why they couldn't understand my feelings. Why was I so different form my family? But after finally finding out where I came from, it all began to make sense. The light bulb went off and I have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel ever since.



I have reached a pinnacle point my 'life of  transformation' that has opened my eyes to view my behavior from another perspective.  A perspective in which I have the ability to gain understanding of what I have been doing wrong. A perspective in which I am able to understand the way in which my actions and words have hurt others and in turn made it more difficult for them to forgive me and accept the changes I have made and am continuing to make. As I have been reflecting on all my past relationships, be it mother/daughter, friend to friend, cousins or a relationship of the opposite sex, I am uncovering the deeply rooted trauma that is the culprit of  my indiscretions. As I mentioned I have been undergoing this remolding of myself for about 5 years, but is has been within the last year that I feel I have made the most noticeable changes. How do I know this? Well, I know this because I feel different on the inside.  I have heard many powerful speakers give speeches with powerful messages that made sense to me, read articles that touch on the struggles I have gone through, and although they may have impacted me in some way or another, I never truly believed in my soul that the "Aha, I get it, I feel different on the inside" moment would ever happen to me. But when it did, I indubitably felt something shift inside me; it made me move in a different way. This is when I knew I had moved mountains on my journey to healing my heart, mending my mind, and soothing my soul.

One of the most monumental epiphanies I've had was last night, while on the phone getting my daily Doses of Khandi, when a vivid picture was painted in my mind of what my vile behavior has done to the ones I love most. I realized that my unstable behaviors and malicious words cut deeper than I knew. The awful things I have said to the people I love most, makess it harder for them to believe in my truth, more difficult to accept my positive changes, and less willing to trust me with their hearts again. I am working so hard to please not only myself, but my loved ones and friends, so that they can see the positive moves I am making. Before, I couldn't understand why they were so resistant to me blossoming (mom always did call me a late bloomer), but now I get it. It occurred to me last night that because of the hurt I caused them they are not in a place where they are able to trust that my evolution is permanent and not temporary. I have shown them before that I can have more of a favorable demeanor and be kinder, but when faced with confrontation or adversity, I retreated to my vindictive ways. Back and forth behavior like this is not healthy and can drain the life our of a person. It can take away their desire to be around you in a happy, loving way. It causes heartache over and over; each time hurting a little more than the last. The repetitious cycle of letting someone in your world only to be let down is traumatizing; and I have caused major trauma to far too many people that I love.
The most hurtful words I heard from a friend were
"I let you in and you let me down"


During my time of reflection, I thought back to the moments of all the nasty things I myself have said to my mom, my dad, my cousins, my friends, and my lover. I thought to myself, this is not the legacy I wish to leave behind. This is not how I want to be remembered when I am not longer of this earth. There are so many, many factors that have been placed on my mind and in my heart the last year (and very heavily the last 2 months) that have 'whipped me into shape' and molded this new found ME that is writing to you today. I want to be a light in someone else's life not a Debby Downer or Pitiful Paula. I want to be as kind to others as the good Lord wants me to be; as good to them as he's been to me. I want to make a difference in the lives of those suffering from depression, those who have lost their way, and those who are good people making unwise decisions that hurt others and themselves.


Being comfortable in my own skin and having those around me comfortable being around me is a goal I have set out to achieve. I want to rebuild the relationships I have damaged and restore them to their original state or better. I want to show my loved ones that I can change, I can do better, I can achieve my goals and do so with the utmost positivity and kindness never seen before.


To all of you whom I have hurt, I give you my deepest, most sincerest apology. I now know the pain I have caused and I am truly ashamed and resentful for what I have done to you. Please be patient with me as I continue to learn and grow. Please allow me to blossom before your eyes as I transform. It may be hard, but I ask you to not be so quick to condemn me or bring up my past mistakes as we move forward. I ask that you encourage me, support me, and ask me questions. If there is something I am doing wrong, let's have some constructive dialogue so it can be peacefully resolved without anyone being emotionally wounded. I give you my solemn promise that I am working on loving myself and loving you (each in your own way). Thank you for being in my life and for playing your role in my healing.



















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3 comments

  1. This is such a pure and honest post and I love that! It's great that your reflection allowed you to see the impact you had on others; as a society it's so common for people to think about themselves and only themselves so it's great that your journey is bigger than you! Wishing you the best!
    Tisha x

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  2. This is awesome and a great first step. It's hard to say sorry all you can is continue to work on yourself.

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  3. Wow, I feel like you were speaking my thoughts. That’s crazy! We constantly blame others for how we act with out criticizing ourselves first and foremost. This was a truly amazing post and you have inspired me. Thank you and be blessed my beautiful queen!

    V/R,

    Kierra

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