Unconventional Fairytale

Friday, February 9, 2018

All my life, I have dreamt of being in love. Laughing uncontrollably, smiling endlessly, loving unconditionally. Falling head over heels for a man who adores me and treats me like a queen. No matter how many failed relationships/situationships I have found myself in, I have still held onto the hope that one day, some day, I would be the princess in the story with the happy ending. Although this has always been both my conscious and subconscious dream, I have somehow always allowed a man to dictate what I meant to them and to myself and I lost sight (may have never even known) of who I was and who I could become.  I have always been a pleaser, meaning that in my past, I did almost any and everything to get a guy to be sweet on me and wanna  "wife" me up.  After approximately 14 years I have finally come tho the realization that I need no one to validate me or approve of the things that I do.

It is sad that it has taken me this long to get to this place, but I know for a fact that I would not have been able to get to this place without the help of you. It may seem minuscule or maybe a bit  farfetched, but it is true. When you came into my life, I was not looking for new friends and definitely not looking for a new man. I was happy being young, single, and free! But once the door to friendship opened up between us, it effected my life like no other male-female relationship had thus far. Throughout our friendship, I have had my own personal battles within myself that often spilled over into all of my relationships, especially the one with you. And although things were not always picture perfect, you have somehow managed to stick around longer than any man in my life to date. When I was feeling discouraged, sad, or angry with the world you're there for me (maybe not in the selfish ways I wanted you to), but you were there nonetheless. You did not allow me to feel pity for myself, belittle myself (even at my lowest) and although you may not have always complimented or uplifted me with your words, you did so with your actions (most of the time lol). We have sailed some rough waters together, but we have come out on top each and every time. Our journey has not been easy and not always fun, but what matters is that it has been a learning experience; a time of healing and growth; and it is not over yet.

Due to your tough love and your unwillingness to put up with my bullshit (as my mother says), I have grown as a woman, friend and as a mother. Without you I do not know where I would be at this point in life. You have given me the necessary tools I needed to reevaluate myself in my efforts to become a better person. For years I was in search of how to mend broken relationships, repair broken hearts, and rebuild burned bridges, but was unsuccessful because I did not have the right mindset and lacked the proper tools. 

I have never been a traditional girl, ask my mother, she'll tell you I have always had to 'experience things myself in order to learn the lessons', lol. A little heard headed brat if you ask me, but it is who I  am. But because of this I have learned to appreciate that my fairytale won't be traditional either. It won't be all peachy and it may take longer than normal; but it will happen and it will be the best damn fairytale ever told. I will be resilient, strong, happy, loving, kind, funny, caring, considerate, compassionate, and compromising. I will have struggles, there will be pain, grief, sadness, hardships, times of reevaluation and reflection. But I will survive and I will have one hell of a fairytale story to tell. I know now that  God didn't intend for my story to be simple. He didn't mean for my happiness/journey to love  to be easy so that I take it for granted. He meant for it to be just what it is now but I can appreciate it now. I know that when God lets me know 'he' is the man for me, that it will be and there will be nothing in the way of allowing it to come to fruition. I know that once I find that love, it will be endless and everlasting. It will be fulfilling and spectacular.

Because of the way I have always felt about love and being loved, it is sometimes difficult for me to keep my expression of love to myself. I am a lover who is known by her friends as a hopeless romantic who can't help but to love deep when I love someone, friend or otherwise. I know you have yet to be able to accept or give love again, and I truly understand your reasoning for that. But I can't deny the love in my heart. You mean the world to me as a friend and I can't lie... I would love for things to progress to the next level between us at some point...when you're ready...if I'm the one you choose. Just know I have chosen you! Only time will tell what will be, but I am hopeful and I am in no rush.

My fairytale isn't over, I have noblest hope and I will not give up. I am trusting in the Lord to send me my Prince Charming in his own time; a time when he feels I am ready. I am enjoying the friendship journey and the journey to finding myself to much for a title to cloud my view. I have learned that it is the small things that mean so much a make for a lasting relationship; no matter what type of relationship that may be. 

You will always and forever be in my heart even if we don't make it to the next level. I will cherish our friendship, good times and bad, for forever.


1 comment

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