Happy Birthday to Me

October 01, 2018

Hello, October!! It is the FIRST of the month and the best day of the year....at least in my eyes. Thirty-five years ago today at 2:33 am- a tiny 5lb15oz baby girl was born; unknowing of what was to come of the path in which she may take in life. God had a HUGE plan for this sweet little lamb from the moment she was conceived. Life has definitely not been all roses and sunshine, but it also has not been shit and sandstorms.




The path that I have driven thus far, I can say has been one that I have have attempted to be in control of(often failing instead of suceeding), and not marched to the beat of anyone or anything but myself and what I wanted for myself. Now - don't follow my footsteps and by no means think you can tackle life all on your own. Never internalized the true meaning of it 'takes a village to raise a child  (and in my case, an adult) until I demanded to draw my own line in the sand and march to my own beat. But knowing what I know now, I know that even as an adult, you need people in your corner, by your side, and people who will call you out, tell you when you are wrong and put you in your place. I have been on this journey (for 5 years) to reclaim my life, making baby-step changes day by day to live the way the good Lord intended me to. And let me tell you, I have NOT gotten this far alone. 


'It Takes a Village (a strong village) to Raise a Child'


Today started out great, had a few bumps along the way, but it ended up being an okay day overall. I woke up to a text at 6:03 am from the 1 person I wanted to hear from the most, but  doubted I would.....'Fairfield' was the first happy birthday message I received today. It was a heartwarming surprise, and a sigh of relief. He didn't forget  about me and he didn't allow our toxic past to deter him from sending me birthday wishes. I was blown away and it made my day-at first. Then, hours later I got in my own head-got greedy and asked for more than I should have. I began the inevitable rants, questions asking if he would grant me one last wish; a birthday wish, to see him one last time (one last movie date). When I was hit with the 'I can't today, and idk if I can in the future' I was devastated. But what was different about today was I did not allow his response to COMPLETELY dictate how the remainder of my day would play out. I left him be and I let me be. I did respond emotionally a couple of times, but then I let it all go. I didn't want to be depressed on this special day.

 So let's cut to the chase....today marks MY 35TH DAY OF LIFE and what I am hoping will be the beginning of a new chapter. It is time to let go of the life I have lived/given away to the man I have loved for the last 4 years. I have my struggles and I have my ways, but today I will do more than I have in the past to change my future and not repeat my past. From this day forward, I choose to challenge myself to try new ideas, new methods, and new techniques to encourage, motivate and push me beyond limits I have allowed myself to tackle before. I am ready for change. With Brooks in my corner,  Daily Doses of Khandi in my medicine cabinet and the small host of my  'Conquer team' in place, I know I will climb mountains, cross moe-hills a swim across oceans to come out on the other side without losing my shit and falling apart. 

Soooo enough about him, I ran to the store, called up my BFF and caught up on the latest event in each of our lives. I did not make BIG plans to go out get wasted or get buck wild.  We swapped stories, laughed, shared the not so perfect, and kept it 100% real- as we always do with each other.  I then went and picked up my forever talking, never a breath between words 5 year old and headed home.




'Best friends are people who make your problems, their problems so you don't have to go thru them alone'

On my way home,I got a call from my aunt and she was shocked that I had no plans for my 35th and told me she was gonna grab my two favs-pizza and wine. So we all met at her house around 7 and celebrated my birthday.It was nice to bethought about and celebrated. It was nice to feel loved, especially at such n emotional time in my life. Not to mention I received more calls, texts, and Facebook posts that I have in years. I truly felt loved and not alone today. Its only been a little over 2 months since he decided he no longer wanted us to be friends on the level in which we had been the last several years. All in all -  I couldn't (well I could-but I won't) have asked for a better birthday. 




Thank you to all those who made my day a lot more special than I anticipated. 

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