Friday, March 29, 2019

Being married is a dream I have had since I was a young girl. The older I got the more passionate I became about becoming a wife. Back in my college days, my friends and I would touch on the subject here and there, daydreaming of how we pictured our wedding day to be. I remember naively believing I would be married by the age of 25 and have all of my children (4 at the moment) by the time I turned 33. Now at the tender age of 35 in a half (yes I said and a half), I have become severely obsessed with the desire to be married and become Mrs. Anybody. 

Most of the guys I have dated for any extended period of time I dated with the intention of things growing serious and the possibility of marriage to be an option. Now, being that I did not want to scare any prospects away, I did not mention the idea of marriage at all to any of them. I was almost ashamed to verbalize the desire to date with the intention of marriage in fear men would tuck their tales and run. 

Over the years, I have either witnessed or caught wind that lots of my collegiate and high school friends had  'put a ring on it' and gotten married. Some of them are still together, but most of those marriages have been dissolved for one reason or another. This both encourages and discourages me to pursue my dreams of getting married. I often hear myself saying 'I wonder what it feels like to have been loved at least once in life, even if it doesn't last a lifetime'. I am a single mother of a sweet, loving 5 years old daughter who has never been loved by a man (other than my father) and have a dying desire to know how it feels. This desire has unconsciously caused me to run off the 1 man I convinced myself was the man meant to become my husband. 

The thought of becoming a wife has nearly consumed my life.

I swipe right and wonder if he's the one. 
I receive a nice compliment from a random guy while strolling the isles in Wal-Mart and think - could this be him.
I open a DM from an old classmate/friend and say to myself, why is he re-entering my life. is there a reason we meet again?

It's insane and down right pathetic!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

– Jeremiah 29:11

Everyday on social media I see photos of someone I know getting married or becoming engaged and wonder when it will be my turn. I torture myself  by watching shows like "Say Yes to the Dress', 'Married at First Sight', "Marriage Bootcamp" and so on (however this is not all of the tv I watch just a few shows, lol)

Unfortunately I am beginning to realize I that the unspoken insinuation that I am ok with physical intimacy and gratification only - has undoubtedly led to the demise of all my relationships thus far. I can't help but wonder what it feels like to be loved, valued, cherished, adored, and appreciated. I have been putting my worth into the hands of men instead of my own; dying for acceptance and a ring.

But my point is this, growing up in a happy home with two amazing parents who displayed to me and my brother what a happy home and marriage should look like, I grew up desiring just that and beating myself up for not meeting my own designated deadlines. When in fact, when I get married is not determined by me, but by the Lord above. I have been devoting my time-my life to finding a man instead of seeking God and allowing him to introduce my husband to me on HIS time. 

But for now, I have chosen to let go of my obsessive neediness to become a wife and focus on preparing myself to be an amazing person (mom, friend,boss,daughter-wife). It is time for my for forgive Summer Renay (that's me) and start living a life in which I love me more than anyone else!

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

❤️ BBG

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