Piece X Peace

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

After a long hiatus of not blogging and a lot of behind the scene reflection, I am back for another mental release. Over the last 14 months, I have gone through probably every emotion there is beyond the traditional 4 emotions/stages of grief everyone talks about. Through my time away from my blog I spent an immense time working on self. I am that girl... 'that emotional girl' that evaluates and reevaluates every little thing. I typically beat up on myself but this time I learned to love myself (for the 1st time eva). What doesn't break (kill) you, only makes you stronger!

Moving on is never easy but most definitely necessary. I am proud of myself on this journey and I'm the happiest I have been in my life hands down. I have begun traveling the world with a friend, continued therapy (with a new amazing therapist - my last one was amazing also but stopped practicing), lost more weight, and I have gained something I have never ever had before.....P.E.A.C.E.

Once you realize what you want in life and who you want in your life, things of the past become less and less important. You begin to focus on your future, your growth, and the positive things you have accomplished. It's one thing to be hard on yourself and be filled with regret, however learning from past mistakes makes you better for the future. Loving YOU is the best thing you can do for yourself and for those who experience you-be it strangers at the gas station or family and friends.

Fourteen months ago I could not see myself where I am today. There were times I didn't want to see the light of day, I was miserable. I pointed out every teeny tiny something I didn't like, didn't have, and believed I could never obtain. I lived in the past and pondered on everything I wish I could change or have a second chance at. No seriously! I spent 95% of my day wishing and praying I could redo my last relationship, rebuild it and find a way to live with someone who was not meant to be my person. It was dark and gloomy. Every. Single. Day.

Now that I have found peace within my soul, I smile all the time. I am enjoying so much more that life has to offer. I get out of the house more, I laugh more, I am far more productive and I am ADULTING once again (not sure that's fun-but necessary and something I was incapable of doing before). Oh, and I am much more financially stable because I am no longer giving my hard earned money away to others.

Peace looks good on me. It's my time to shine and trust me I am glowing!

Now since I am speaking truth to you all, I must be completely transparent. There are still days  I miss him, still days I wish we could be friends ONLY FRIENDS, but now I understand that at this time it is not possible and I am okay with that. When he reaches out, be it daily or once a month, I have the ability to respond or not respond when before I felt obligated to reply immediately..AND DID. But now, if or when I do decide to engage, it is much healthier communication. I do not bring up old shit, and I do not get emotional. I am at complete peace and beyond happy! Not only with how I engage with Fairfield, but also how I am just happier overall. I am fun again!

I am focused on me. Focused on my daughter. I do things that I enjoy and don't have time for negativity. No time to leave my self vulnerable to be hurt or let down by those who do not truly love me or have my best interest at heart. I cannot change my past, but I have certainly learned from it. I appreciate the lessons and the heartbreak. It was meant for me to go through in order to be where I am today. It's funny how all of that works don't you think?

I am ready for all of the great things that are near in my future and so grateful to God for allowing me to continue to walk through the darkness to get to the light!

'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.' Proverbs 3:5-6

And remember... you ARE more than enough!

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