'Love' in Disguise

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

I gave my heart to the wrong one! I was seeking things I wanted and was blinded by what I didn't want to see. Looking back, I was so desperate for love that I did everything in attempt to gain it. Going above and beyond, giving more to him than I gave to myself, and I even went so far as to give wife privileges to a man (or lack there of) who couldn't even make me his 'Main' girl, let alone his actual girlfriend or wife!

Foolish right? Yes.... YES I know this. But at the time I was so wrapped up into what I was getting from him that I failed to realize he wasn't giving me anything at all. What I needed was substance. Someone to build with, be protected by, appreciated by, and loved by. Only to learn half a decade later what I was actually receiving was the bare minimum to keep me on his leash when it was convenient for him to entertain me.

Knowing what I know now, I feel ashamed. I feel used. I feel manipulated. At times I feel lonely and sad, afraid to move on, and down right angry other times. I cannot change the past but I do have regrets of the past and how long I spent living, loving and dwelling that big ole' pile of shit. I put a lot into him, into US; time, effort, love, a whole lotta money, and many other things, but all I am left with are memories that still flood my mind that won't cease, time spent that I can't get back and don't want to give to another, love given that keeps me at bay and won't go away, and a pain that I know will stay with me always (even if only a little).

Each day I grow, I realize what I thought I wanted, what I thought I had - wasn't mine, it wasn't for me. And quite frankly, despite the love still being in my heart I DON'T EVEN WANT HIM! I thought that when he found the right one (hoping it was me), he would settle down and be the man I needed him to be. Unfortunately I am NOT the one he chose. He is living his life with another woman, committed but not so committed for the last 15 months. The things he did that ruined his marriage, the things he was doing in between relationships/situationships with multiple women (which he so boldly liked to remind me of), he is currently still doing is new relationship....CHEATING, CONTROLLING and who knows what else.

I don't want that...... I really don't but I still love him. Why? Hell if I knew that answer don't you think by now I would have chosen not to! Such is life.....

I am well beyond being on the mend. I have come so far. I may relapse for a few hours here and there and daydream about what could have been. But this time I really backslid. I was keeping conversation at a minimum, and I wasn't making myself readily available to him, and often didn't reply at all. But he knows me all too well. He sneaks in the back door like Jodi-but only when uninvited. He tells me things to keep me dangling on that thin piece of string and reel me back in. And this time the little fishy in me took the bait....and here I am making this emotional post about things and feelings I was sure I had left in my past!

You see how he does? This selfish, insecure womanizer has done it again! And it's not all his fault.  I BIT THE BAIT!! But I am getting back on track and gonna stay in my lane, no more switching lanes. This rollercoaster of back and forth is killing my soul and I AIN'T DEAD!

I am bigger than this. I am stronger than this. I can overcome this. And after this post, I am going to do as KB advised. My mentor (KB) told me last week if you truly want to get off this ride you have to continue to do the work. He praised me for how far I have come, but reminded me that it's not over just yet. Setbacks = major comebacks. So I challenge myself to continue the work I have done and not to jeopardize the progress I have made for someone who never even deserved the first date! I have begun to learn myself far too much to go back....... to him and his bullshit, his games, his lies or his 'love' in disguise.

Here's my moment of clarity
I've been misleadin' you all, givin' you half of me
I've been blazin' a trail and leavin' casualties
~Joe Budden

The marathon continues....

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