Coming Home

Tears roll down my face as I physically and emotionally feel every. single. ounce. of. emotion..... from each character of the television show 'All American' on The CW Network. The lessons of patience, vulnerability, love, family, facing your past and admitting your wrongs, has brought an overwhelming sense of reality right to my doorstep. I am currently in a state of limbo, making more adjustments in my life, accepting on new things and welcoming new people into my life and this episode definitely hit home.

Episode(7) of season two is still tugging on my heartstrings. I feel someone somewhere is trying to get a message to me on the path in which I should follow now. I am not one who 'goes easily' or willingly makes changes in my life. It is usually a traumatic event that has occurred repetitiously over and over again that pushes me to make adjustments in my life. I am stubborn or a 'late bloomer' as my mother likes to refer to me as. I am learning as I get older, to not take so long in my transitions. I am pretty sure that I have prolonged a hell of a lot of blessings that would have come earlier in life had I been more obedient.

So...Where's the connection?

Spencer and Dillon have longed for their father their entire life and when they finally found him he disappeared once again. This is much like my story of finding my birth mother, only her decision for leaving me again was not because of an illness, it was because of fear, so I hear. Fear of what? I am unsure. Maybe fear of me rejecting her or asking questions she doesn't want to address because it would cause her to face decisions and life events of her past. I hope that my mom one day has the strength to accept her mistakes and attempt to make them right, like Spencer's mom, Grace, did by admitting the hurt she felt with their dad was pursuing his dreams and left her home alone caring for their sons. She felt alone in their marriage; neglected; for his love of football seemed far greater then his love and commitment to her. His mom was finally able to tell her truth, her story, not only to her boys, but also to her husband Corey James. I pray that one day my mom has the courage to stand on love and to stand on truth for her own healing as well as mine.

Vulnerability 

Vulnerability to most is weakness. It causes you to let down your guard and feel things you have suppressed - be it consciously or unconsciously. Life is all about perspective. It is how you allow yourself to view the world and the people in it. Vulnerability is not a weakness at all. It is a strength. It is what makes us compassionate, loving, courageous, and strong! Being able to listen to others and how they feel with an empathetic ear shows you value them and are kindhearted.

Just like you!

Losing a parent whether it is by death or absence is never an easy hurdle to cross. That yearning connection never seems to fade no matter how good your days. Further along in the episode, Spencer has a talk with Corey's other son and asked him this: "How was it like growing up with Corey?" Corey's son replied back and told Spencer about the times they had together, and lessons hCorey taught him, but ended by expressing to Spencer that he has all the best parts of his dad in him! Touching right! How could you be like someone you've never met or spent little time with? To me that is mind blowing.

Again, I felt like my story had been told and put on the 'Big Screen'. I have asked my brothers that very question. The first day I met KeeKee, he just couldn't stop starring at me. I felt uneasy about it at first, but then I asked him why he kept looking at me, he said 'cause you look just like momma.'
A few months ago on Labor Day, I visited my younger brother and his wife to spend some time. As I am minding my business chatting with his wife, then out of nowhere their cat comes reallllllly realllllly close to me and I got skittish. All I hear are giggles coming from my brother in the kitchen. So to him I asked 'whats so funny?' He says 'you are acting just like momma, she is afraid of cats too." Later on throughout the night he pointed out 3 more characteristics about me that reminded him of her. It blew us both away being that she and I have never seen one another face to face. Unsure if all the similarities are a good thing, however they make me who I am. And I am proud to be who I am, flaws and all!

All in all this was the most touching television series episode I have ever watched. It felt way too real. It hit way too close to home, but it opened my eyes to see there may still be hope! Love your loved ones and play a positive, active role in their lives, because your absence causes pain and that pain causes hurt..... and hurt people...HURT other people! 

To my mom:
Whenever you are ready, I will be right here waiting with an open heart and a gracious spirit.
                                                                                                         ~been loving you since '83


"Practicing patience, learning how to be at peace with the stillness, the silence"
                                                                                                         ~Corey James'