What Happens Now?

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Some call it desperation, others may call it hope, but there has always been 'something' inside of me that is immensely filled with love and hope. It is often an extremely overwhelming feeling. Because of the depth of love I feel, it often causes me to overdo and become overbearing. I want others to know and understand my genuine nature and judge me not for my mistakes or poor judgement.

Breaking the cycle of 'insanely loving' others is a habit I am learning to break. The way in which I give or show my love and appreciation comes in many ways, ways that not just any person is mentally able to receive or accept. I show my love by giving gifts, displaying physical affection, loyalty and being transparent about who I am. I do not like to waste time at this stage in my life so the last few years I have gone overboard with disclosing personal information about myself too quickly. I have also been known to share my personal trials and situations with far too many associates/friends/family members which I am also beginning to see is the wrong way for me to approach my life. I shared my life situations with so many others in order to gain advice and opinions of several individuals in order to help me make the best decision for me. In reality this was the worst decision I could have made. It only made me even more confused and furthermore to making more poor decisions. I was listening to everyone but myself. Not everyone who was giving me advice had my best interest at heart. I lost friendships because of disagreements pertaining to the advice I sought and thus created even more turmoil in my life.

Each day is a day to learn more and another opportunity to change the things you do not like about yourself, your life, and your circumstances. I have become more private in that I have chosen a select few who are closest to me and unbiased who give constructive criticism and sound advice in a manner that I am personally able to receive; in a manner that's build me up and instead of ripping me apart. It really feels amazing to have a trusted, select few I know I can count on when I need anything.

Everyday is not perfect, but I am definitely on my way to having more and more happy days. When it comes to dating, there is someone I am interested in with whom I have been given a second chance with. I vowed to myself that I would not repeat mistakes of my past and with past relationships. I have chosen to leave all of that toxicity, negativity and bad habits where they belong; IN MY PAST!
I want better for my love life and in order to get it I must do things differently. I have retracted this stupid theory in my head that in order for a guy to want to keep me around, I must remain in the forefront of his mind, which meant to me I needed to be in constant communication with him. I know now that was the dumbest theory and some crap I learned from my friends who were just nagging their significant others and not a trait I needed to adopt.

My goal in this lifetime is to be the best I can be, willing to change and grow with each coming day that the Lord blesses me with. I also want to leave a legacy for my daughter; not one of perfection, but one filled with determination, hard work, love, support, honesty, kindness, and the desire to be the best she can be.

Now that I am changing yet another aspect of my behavior/characteristics..... What happens next?
Guess we shall all find out in the next chapter of  The Diary Of A Boring Black Girl....

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