It Was All A Dream..... Or Was It?

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Last night while lying peacefully in my warm comfy bed, I had a dream I was blogging. I didn't think anything strange about this dream because I have been blogging a lot the last few weeks. But this story about a dream takes a vivid, sharp turn deep into a valley of what appeared to be a subconscious effort to get answers to long awaiting unanswered questions.

Not sure if any of you have personally experienced sleep walking or witnessed another individual sleep walking in the wee hours of the morning or during the darkest hours of the night. I have witnessed an old friend do this a few years back and was blown away at the accuracy of normalcy she displayed subconsciously while preparing a sandwich from the ingredients she pulled from the fridge. She did this, all while conversing with someone that wasn't within her presence.

I too had a similar personal experience last night. But my dream actually became a reality simultaneously. What do I mean you may ask? My dream that I thought was just a dream, was more than a dream.... I actually performed my dream. I actually sent a text, which I thought was a blog entry I was typing on my computer, to BamaBoy.... in my sleep. And didn't realize it until I woke up to get ready for work this morning. This is what I wrote:

I've tried too much
I've tried too hard
I've left you alone
I've blocked your friend
I've been silent
And nothing changes

I've apologized
I've changed my ways
I've closed my mouth
I've told you I care
I've shown you care
I've asked for time
I've asked for attention
I've given you space
Nothing seems to work

I text you 'hi'
I've text 'how are you?'
I've text and asked 'what's up'
Never ever a single reply

I've given you too much
I've showed my hand
No matter what I do good or bad
You haven't once been man enough to stand up
You haven't once told me how you feel or what's up
You haven't once expressed your feelings or listened to mine

You've ignored me one too many times
Dismissed me one too many times
You've ghosted me far too many times
You've ignored my concerns
And you've paid me no attention
I am amazing
I am beautiful
I am successful
I am financially stable
I am educated
I am a great mother
I am a hustler
I am an entrepreneur
I am your greatest supporter
I believe in you
I would go hard for you
I would be there for you
But nothing I do, be it,  too much or too little, seems to be good enough for you. None of it seems to be what you want

I can't invest anymore into you cause you invest nothing into me
So it's high time I let you do what you want to do and let go of you
What I thought we could nourish is nothing that I now I want to flourish
So live your life free as can be and I pray One day you get what you deserve
But right now I know I deserve much more than you can give

Flaws and all
Too much And all
I'm loyal, kind, loving, caring, and supportive, even if I don't agree or understand
I may be missing out on you I may have messed up a great thing
But I know in my heart you're missing more in me than I could ever miss in you
I love hard, I love long
But when I give it's honest, true and genuine

What I have you will only find in a few and I hope that you find that one day when you're ready but I can no longer wait on you because you don't trust and believe in me because you can't forgive me and like me for me and with that you and I can never be

It was good while lasted And I enjoyed my time with you but If you can't trust and believe in me I can no longer give you any piece of me

Flaws and all I'm me and You're you
I gave you me and you never gave me any of you


Goodnight and goodbye

Normally after an epic failure of this extent, I would try and fix the situation. I would try and correct my wrong. I would lie and come up with some sort of plausible explanation and try to reason. Normally I would be beating myself up and replaying the events over and over in my head. But today I have accepted what was, what is, and what is coming in the future. I have no regrets, just learned lessons. I have no ill words to speak, only love to give.

Goodbyes are never easy but the pain won't last long.
I am STRONG and I won't allow anyone to hold me back from what God has planned for my life. I
will no longer get in his way or mine.

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