There are often pages written in each chapter of our 'Book of Life' that are left blank. Many chapters that have questions that have yet to be answered. There are also an uncomfortable number of missed opportunities in love, failed attempts to successfully climb the ladder to that dream career, and the struggle to unscramble letters you are trying to combine together to form a complete well put together sentence, yet instead they just rattle off nasty words, (said and heard), remember that all of these things have written the chapters in our book whether written or that currently remain blank.
Is it who you are as a person on the inside that you feel is beyond repair because every friendship, every relationship you've ever had, has disintegrated right before your eyes, or maybe even behind your back? Is it the goodness in you that finds the goodness in others that somehow allows you to overlook how or why they fit into your puzzle; into your life and into your heart? Is it the toxicity of past and present that blinds you every step of the way and clouds your decisions and choices? You may have all the best intentions in mind but go into relationships with fear and that fear is what explodes and blows everything around you to smithereens. Is it fair to place all the blame on yourself when you give your all to everything and to everyone? I'm here to tell you NO! It is not fair to further destroy yourself when you have worked so hard to build up the parts of you so many people have torn down. It is however, your responsibility to acknowledge that you are human. You will make mistakes. You will overcome. You are a forever work in progress until the day you leave this earth. It is your responsibility to be more cautious of who and what you allow into your life.
I am Being Mary Jane. I am The Bold Type. For me, the women in these Television series are fierce, they are strong, they are corny, they are survivors, they are worthy and they are also women who don't always get it right. They are learning to climb their way out of bad 'spaces' physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They are constantly making poor decisions but learning each step of the way, constantly reevaluating and making positive changes to live by and stand on/for. Fighting their way through heartache and heartbreak, and trying to fit into every one else's box of "you're doing it wrong, or there are no second chances." These women, despite popular opinion, are women who have a voice and use it. It does not always go over smoothly the first, second -or maybe even the third time, but their intentions are always pure. Unfortunately, when they use that voice to express themselves they are called a bitch, labeled as too emotional, crazy, a hoe, needy, bull-headed, bossy, and too vocal. These are women who believe in each other and learning to believe in themselves.
"You're cute for a fat girl"
"You're too cute to be single"
"You're too pretty to have such a nasty attitude"
"Why do you always play victim?"
"You just want a pity party, and I'm not giving it to you!"
"You act like you're the only one who has been through or is going through something, you're not special!"
Thing is, all of the above are judgments...PRE-Judgments from others who either know a lot, very little or nothing at all about you. Some of us walk through life each and everyday carrying weight that others could not ever bare. And what they fail to realize is even if they may have been through the very thing you've been through, each of you process things in your own way. I have seen situations like these as opportunities to indulge in others opinions and to have open discussions. And midway through the conversation, I am nine times out of ten, been accused of wanting pity or playing victim, or only listening to reply and not listening to understand. None of this is true because my intentions are intended to get another persons perspective on things. To enlighten my knowledge. To learn. I listen to understand because, I want to understand, hence the reasons for initiating these conversations. Problem is I get called all sorts of names, and accused of things that I am not guilty of. Then I defend myself to people who clearly are not "listening to understand ME, and simply listening to reply themselves. I am passionate and I won't apologize for that. I don't need nor do I want anyones pity. I dont deserve to be shamed for my past or my present because I am living and learning each day, and the days prior (good or bad) have helped create who I am today. So me telling my story, is just that. I am telling my story. Not for likes, not for pats on the back, and most definitely not to be drug through the mud by someone who will never know what my life experiences have done to and for me. My problem is that I try too hard to get people to understand, failing to remember that they can not understand what they do not see or feel inside of me. I am not everyone and I do not handle things the way in which they do. I shouldn't care about convincing anyone of anything they have not experienced in my shoes, through my eyes. It is not my job to do so. It is my job to take care of me and not rely on others for validation, support, or love.
For centuries society has placed labels on people. Placed labels on Black people, White people, labels on men and labels on women. These labels in this day and time are being erased. They are being overturned. They are breaking rules that have not ever been broken before and I am here for it! Women are told when to have kids, what age we need to be married by and if we aren't in compliance with these time limits given to us, people assume there is something wrong with us. Ever heard 'you're too old to not have your finances in order? or that you are too old to act a certain way or wear certain clothing?' What we all need to learn is to STOP putting age limits on what others should do or have done by a specific age. Children would not have ever been born if we had let others decide for us that age 44 was to old have children. Some of us would never have owned our own businesses that have become total successes. So no, I will not internalize these limitations nor the age limits YOU put onto ME. Each in their own time, in their own way, and my time won't ever be your time. I am here to open myself up and speak up for the labels placed upon me. I am here to conquer the labels I have placed on myself. As a Black woman, I have been given limitations. I have had opportunities taken away from me. I have been deemed 'the bitter Black woman', and shamed for being emotionally unstable. Breaking out of all these labels to be unapologetically, authentically me, is hard enough as is. But when others, especially my own people, my own friends, colleagues, and male suitors 'come for me' it makes me want to seek shelter. Revert back to holding things in, beating myself up, second guessing who I am and how I feel about myself. It makes me angry to know I am not supported or encouraged to have a voice, a voice I have never had before. But it is still okay for them to have a voice and judge you for finding yours!
The world is already tough enough to live in. People make it hard for one another all the time. You do not have to be one of those people. Be kind, listen to understand. Listen to listen. Learn not to judge. Stop calling names, belittling others. Stop making assumptions and ridiculing another person for their decisions/choices. Make a conscious effort to always keep in mind, you don't know how someone else is feeling, what they have been through, or how they should get through it. Just be there if they need you. Be there because you want to. Get to know them because you want to. And if your intentions are not pure, choose not to be a part of their life. And if you do not support or agree with one another, do you both a favor and be kind anyways.
As I remind myself that some of the pages of my chapters in my "Book of Life" may be left unfilled, empty, blank, or unanswered, I am choosing to fill in as many pages of as many chapters as I can, while I can, with authenticity, truth, transparency, love and hope as I can....TBC
MY STORY IS NOT YOURS TO TELL!
1 John 3:18 - My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
❤️ BBG
~The Marathon Continues....
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