I say that still I love you, but not in the ways in which you might imagine. I love you, but not the way I once did. I love you, but not enough to wish upon any star in the sky that things had worked out the way I had hoped them to before between us. But.....
.....I still love you. I love you for your presence in my life for I feel your presence has given me 'presents' I would never have received before. Presents of self love, confidence, pride, understanding and happiness. I love you for the life lessons that came wrapped up in not so pretty little packages. I love you for being my heartbreak-disguised as 'my love'. I still love you for the things each of you has taught me, be it directly or indirectly. I still love you because a part of each of you will live on in my spirit as I go forward in life, as a reminder of what I don't ever want to experience again. And I still love you, because you all helped me to love ME like I never did before. I love you because I finally love me more than I have ever loved any of you.
Thank you for all the time spent or lack thereof. Thank you for being my reason to continuously reassess and reevaluate my path so I can elevate and level up. Each disappointment, each heartache, each tear I didn't even have left to cry, opened my eyes to the type of person I want to be, need to be, and the type of person I know I deserve to one day have.
"The pain you caused was worth it. I needed to feel it, to teach me not to go back there again"
Check out To All the Boys I Loved Before, to catch up on Dro-in-da-wind, Choir Boy, and Red, before reading on.
These 3 guys stories are short and sweet. To bittersweet to give intimate detail. Although they have all impacted my heart, the below 3 touched my soul! Sometimes a little goes a long way! So, here's a little...
Magicman
Although it was a short lived fantasy romance - I gained a life long friend, confidant, laughing buddy and counselor lol. I was just moving back from living out of town for a few years and was introduced to Magicman just a few months before my move home. We talked every day. Video chatted often. It was a world-wind and I went down a wormhole. I think this is when it all truly started for me. I don't remember any guys prior to whom I gave more of me to them than I gave me to myself. My time, my money, my heart, and my body. Needless to say, he 'told me about myself' in order to help me see the mistakes I had been making, even with him. He'd often say, "You are a great catch, an amazing woman and any guy who gets the opportunity to be with you will be 1 lucky ass guy, but you've got to stop doing too much. Let him chase you". Still till this day he will do the same, but no matter what he is genuine. He gives me tough love, but I know it's love nonetheless and that if I need him, he will come through. If you ask him, he may... no he WILL tell you I am hardheaded and that I don't listen. And as hard as it is for me to admit, he's right. But I am ready and have been heeding warnings more so now. I am willing to listen to my instinct and my head more than my heart. Leading with my heart has only landed me on my ass. So to Mr. Magicman, thank you for allowing me to still love you, and thank you loving me in return, in your own way.
Fairfield
Where do I begin? Where do I start? How do I get through this one? And will it ever end?
May 1st, 2013 (when it started) August 17, 2018 (when it unofficially-officially ended)
For 5 years I devoted myself to Fairfield. Under the impression that once he had taken enough time to emotionally break free after the divorce, I'd have my chance. I unselfishly gave all I had even after I found out about the rest and realized I wasn't the only. Even when I gave what I didn't even have to give! I stuck around because I was a fool in love. And like they say, "fools rush in". Sharing details of this relationship and the times spent with each other will be a hard no for me at this point because I know it will bring up far too many memories. I could seriously write a novel series about these 7+ years with Fairfield. It would definitely be an Award Winning Novel Series no doubt. So I will save these juicy details, just in case I one day decide to write that book. Some of what you need to know about Fairfield is written all throughout Boring Black Girl. The times weren't always good. The times weren't always bad. But all-in-all they are damn sure rememberable. Unforgettable. Magical. Dangerous. Comical. Unpredictable. Saddening. Heartbreaking. Challenging. Beautiful. Sensual. An EXTRAORDINARY adventure. But all uncommitted adventure rides must come to an end---eventually.
BamaBoy
This one is still fresh. Not as long lived as the one before and I am damn sure glad of it. I couldn't allow myself to go through another life sentencing long ordeal without receiving what I needed in return again. Though some days I still feel the pain of aftermath, I hold my head up high and smile. Sometimes envisioning his smile, will put one on mine too. I played a major part in the demise of this one because I was clearly not ready to start something new. I should have taken more time for myself. No matter what happened or what the future holds or the lack thereof-my heart remains full. The little time we shared was amazing. Times that will stick with me. Habits that I needed to let go, I have let go. What-ifs are still what-ifs. However, I know God won't put me through anything I cannot handle. My future is still bright ahead. My heart is still full. My mind is refreshed. Missing you will one day fade, and this will all just be a time I can look back on and be proud of the changes I made to better myself and find my happiness. Maybe BamaBoy will also have a place in this novel I will one day write, lol. Everything happens for one reason or another. But in everything that happens, there is an opportunity to do better the next go round.
You can read more on the background of BamaBoy here: XI:XXX:XIX
I have truly become ME-5.0, because of you, in spite of you, and I will continue far after you.
To All the Boys I Loved Before....... I still love you! I love you because you taught me how to love ME!
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