From one extreme to another, driven by the desire to love and be loved. I drove myself in to a frenzy; dancing the same dance-round and round in circles; like living in Neverland-a never ending story.
I am not one to seek much attention from the universe-as I am somewhat timid and shy. Uncomfortable in the mist of unfamiliar territory and those individuals I do not know. Afraid of how others will view me, judge me and label me. I am different. Different in ways that so many people are unfamiliar with and afraid to even try to comprehend.
When in love, or heavy like, I tend to give that person all of me. Literally every drop, leaving myself with nothing. I've been down this road before; young and unaware of the consequences of an abusive relationship and landed myself in the chair of a therapist. Trying to sort out what went wrong and how to get through all the pain and feelings of worthlessness I was feeling. Yet fifteen years later I found myself back in the same scenario; different guy, deeper connection. And let me tell you, the aftermath of the fall out was the most traumatic event I have ever experienced in this short lifetime of mine....
Back in therapy during the middle of this relationship, or 'situationship', as it may better be referred to, due to wanting more than I was able to receive. I was hot one minute cold the next. The back and forth was literally changing who I was. He didn't recognize me and I didn't recognize myself. Rage filled me most days. Full of frustration and confusion. Full of love. Giving all of me to someone who at the time didn't deserve any part of me.
Then one day it was all over....
for GOOD!
Again, for the third time, I ended up in the care of yet another therapist, a psychologist-on the couch. I will say, I have grown enough in those fifteen year to acknowledge when I need to reach out to someone, other than a family member or a friend. I knew I needed more help than I was able to give myself and I made an appointment because self-care is important and I had definitely been neglecting myself putting someone else's wants and needs before my own.
Fast forward..... 6 or 7 months into talk therapy with my psychologist, I had a major breakdown. One where both my mind and my body shut down while driving that I had to pull over and call for help. I ended up admitting myself to the Emergency Room. After several hours of waiting laying on a hallway bed, a doctor came over asked me a few questions, handed me a bottle of anxiety pills, and sent me out the door. After returning to my counselor, she diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder (again), this time more specifically Type II because I do not have manic episodes-only hypomania. This was the last thing I wanted to hear, last thing I wanted to believe, last thing I wanted to own. So I denied the diagnosis. I was ashamed. I felt judged even though no one but my psychologist and myself knew at this point in time.
I WAS IN DENIAL...
of my diagnosis because I know that I do not show any signs of being Bipolar until I find myself in a one-way relationship that is filled with toxicity. I wondered why I kept being drawn to these men who end up hurting me. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. Through therapy I learned that I entertain men who are unavailable. This does not mean that they are married. They are just unavailable to me for other reasons. I also was able to admit to myself and my therapist that I give some men-the ones I am truly interested in- wife (girlfriend) privileges and amenities that they are undeserving of because they have not made me their girlfriend or their wife.
After a few conversations last month, with 2 people in particular, and releasing my frustrations; saying things to them I had been holding in for years, I felt immediate relief. I felt free. I was calm. I was happy and overflowing with joy. I was not regretful, as I had been able to let go of all the pain that had been consuming me for far, far too long. I continued therapy until my psychologist closed her practice the first of June of this year. It was a bittersweet farewell. She has truly helped me see the error in my ways, understand myself and others and taught me how to cope and how to treat myself going forward so that I do not continue in the toxic cycle I had been spinning in. I am really hard on myself and don't give myself credit for the positive or good things I have accomplished. I mentally and emotionally beat myself up. This has caused me trauma and the inability to have confidence in myself.
HAPPY AGAIN.....
Today, I am proud to say that I am happy again. I have regained my sense of self and my sense of humor. I have grown from the person I had become after the heartbreak/break up of a special friendship and loss of a lover. I have been and will continue to heal from this past year and toxic relationships of years past. My psychologist wanted me to have the assistance I needed before we parted ways so she referred me to a psychiatrist and asked to promise to try medication again. I kept my promise, saw the psychiatrist and willingly took a low dose of medication. I am currently taking a mood stabilizer and will begin counselings again at the new office. I would like to think the medication is helping me stay on track, coupled with my talk therapy, blogging, Cross-Fit, and positive self-talk.
Although I am still trying to wrap my head around being comfortable accepting and saying "I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II", it is becoming easier to view it as a diagnosis not a 'death wish'. My diagnosis does not define me, it only provides an explanation for my differences and how I handle myself and others in certain situations. I am no longer bothered by the jokes, immaturity, or ignorance others have of the disease or of me.
Hurt people, hurt people. We have to stop hurting one another, and we do that by healing ourselves.
Loving YOU is the best thing you can do for yourself and the world.
I share pieces of me, to touch the brokenness in you!
DON'T GIVE UP.....
DON'T GIVE UP.....
💙🏁The Marathon Continues💙🏁
~all my love~
Boring Black Girl
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